Inside A Mother's Heart

It's been a long time

2010-07-19T19:40:00.003-04:00

WOW! Almost 2 years since I have been here. Life got in the way of me blogging and things aren't any slower now. I need a place to get things out, to remember, to process, to find some help and some support so I come back to the trusty old blog. I know many aren't still around but I sure hope to reconnect with some of my old friends.

I have read and kept up with many of you, new babies, new boyfriends, new grand babies...I can't top that but I sure can join in :) After The Bachelorette tonight I will be back here to give an update on the last 2 years of my life and what is going on with the "kid".

Glad to be home!!!

Tomorrow is the Big 18

2008-10-15T22:06:00.002-04:00

I just read through my posts from last year and WOW, I was angry! Not only was I angry, I was severly depressed. I have come so far. Yet, I am still not where I want to be. Are we ever? Will I ever feel whole again? My gut feeling is no! There will always and forever be a missing piece to my family.Yes, someday he may play a bigger part than he does now, but memories are lost and they can never be recaptured. New memories can be made, but the past is the past and as much as I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I can't. It sucks.

I am sitting here reading what I just wrote and it is so ironic to me, would I really want to change the past? Sure it sounds like a dream, the perfect answer, but to change the past would alter my future.....It would alter all things that have happened that are good up until now.

Blah! Think I will go work on M's big 18th birthday letter.

Goodnight ((hugs))

Just a Rant

2008-10-12T21:50:00.002-04:00

I don't even know how to title this post other than to say "Some laws really piss me off". F called me the other night after the homecoming game and asked if I would come and take him and some friends to the movies, buy their tickets for an "R" rated movie, drop them off and be on my way. I agreed after asking if the other boys had permission from their parents to see this movie. We get to the movie theater, I go in to purchase the tickets and to let the theater know that the boys have my permission to see it and I am told that "No, they can not sell the tickets to me for them unless I intend to purchase a ticket for myself and stay to watch it with them". Ok, first off, I DO NOT want to stay with a group of 16 yr old boys to watch a movie, no.no.no. Secondly, when did my parental judgement get taken away from me? If I say he can watch the darn movie, HE CAN watch the movie and to try and make me purchase a ticket and go sit for 2 hours with him is absurd. I could understand more if they wouldn't have allowed me to purchase the tickets for the other boys who were not mine, but to deny me the right to allow MY child to watch a movie that I was ok with??? WTF

I am trying to figure out who to contact for my next support payment on F, seems that someone else wants to parent him????

It's October!

2008-10-05T23:57:00.002-04:00

If you know me, you know how dreaded this month has been for 18 years. This year is no different! He will be 18! Where has the time gone? What will this year bring? Will he be more open to contact now? Will things stay exactly as they are? So many questions, so few answers!

I haven't emailed him in a few months, he didn't respond to the last email and I hate feeling as if I am intruding. So, I wait. I will wait until his birthday and then I will try again. Rejection sucks! I just wish we could "connect" and I don't feel like we have. I continue to remind myself of how busy he is, but is he? Or am I kidding myself? Am I not being honest with ME? Should I accept that he doesn't want anything from me? I never got that from his emails, but the lack of response makes me think otherwise.

I am still waiting on the pics his mom said she would send....LMAO.....As if I am surprised! She has said many times she would do things she has never done, why would this be any different?

First post in forever and I am bitchy! Sorry!

Hugs to all!

GAH! 2 MONTHS???

2008-07-14T00:35:00.003-04:00

WOW! I guess I am not very good at blogging? I get so darn busy!! I have random thoughts that I want to come here and blog about, I try to, but for whatever reason I get sidetracked and I never make it. Forgive me?

So, what has happened in 2 months? On the adoption front, NOTHING. I haven't pushed for anything, I know he has a lot going on with his girl moving off to college, football keeps him so busy and I am sure just enjoying his summer and anticipating his Senior year. I CAN NOT believe he is going to be a Senior, see, time just flies by! Ask me if I felt that 18 years has flown by, NOT! Seems like a lifetime has gone by since the last time I saw his little face :( I think I will drop him an email tomorrow just to let him know I am thinking of him, ya know sometimes those boys need a little "push".Ironically, he did NOT send his birth father an email on Father's Day, not sure what I think about that. Of course it made me feel special, but it makes me wonder why me and not him?

On the home front, so much has gone on! I had an abscessed tooth, I HATE DENTIST! Lots of pain and fun there, glad it is over. Hubby and I went through a rough patch, we are working on getting back on track, why do men have to be so stupid? I mean really, without going into detail tonight, why do they lie over the dumbest things? Especially mine, he knows he will get caught in the lie, he knows the lie is no big deal and if he would just tell the truth it would be so much easier? Yet, he takes the harder road. Stupid.Just. Stupid.

The kids are enjoying their summer, although Fred broke his thumb in a baseball game, UGH! Of course it couldn't just be a "break" it had to be a "BREAK", scheduled for surgery and everything, ended up not having to have surgery after they got him sedated they were able to move the bone back into place and cast it. We see the doctor once a week to make sure it is healing properly and as of last Thursday it looks like it might be moving a bit out of place, so surgery isn't completely out of the pic yet. He is pissed, wants to play fall baseball and it doesn't look promising. He seems to think, in his "I am invincible and way smarter than the doctor" 15 yr old attitude that he WILL be playing, we will see what the doc has to say about that! Here he is in his cast:

The other kids are doing well, baseball is over for the other boys and Katie will be starting Volleyball soon! School starts on the 13th of August and for the first time in 15 years I will be home alone with no children all day! What will I do with myself you ask? I don't know, but I am sure I will like it whatever it is :-)

So, that is all for tonight, just wanted to let you all know I am alive, just busy! I try to keep up on your blogs, so know that even though I am not commenting much I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best!

Miss you all!!

I have waited 17 LONG years for this............

2008-05-11T22:32:00.002-04:00

I got a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY email from M!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe it. It was a good day, I got to sleep in, got some awesome things from my kids, went to see my mom and have lunch with her and then come home to relax for the remainder of the day. Of course, the first thing I did was check my email, NOTHING, to say that I was bummed would be putting it mildly. I was angry and hurt. I know I am not his mom, but the first Mother's Day since reunion and I was hoping that he would send something. So, I focused on relaxing and being thankful for how awesome my parented children are (and of course my hubby too). After bedtime for the kids I come to my computer, start chatting with a friend, check email and there it is!! An email from M, he is busy, focusing on school, hopes I am doing well, he is, and wanted to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and will write again soon and as always his ending "Love, M". I cried, I cried for the past Mother's Days that we missed together, for the future ones I hope to be included in and for the present one that I was so angry about. He completed a perfect Mother's Day for me, don't get me wrong, my kids and my hubby made this day awesome, but for those who know what it feels like to have a child missing from your life on Mother's Day, well you know, it's all good now! There is peace in my heart tonight!

I love that kid so much!!

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T00:32:00.002-04:00

What a bittersweet day this is for me. I have 4 really great kids right here with me, who love me unconditionally, who have already given me homemade gifts, a rose, a new pair of jammies to wear all day on Mother's Day (LOL, I might need to get dressed to go to mom's) and who will have more gifts of love when I wake in the morning, yet I am sitting here sad tonight.

So sad that I can't even get it into words. I think there is 1 thing that may make all the difference in how tomorrow goes and how unfair to my children is that? I will make an effort to be happy tomorrow, I know how much it means to them. But dammit, it's hard.

I am off for tonight, maybe more tomorrow. Happy Mother's Day to you all, no matter how you came to be one, even if you won't get to spend the day with your child, you deserve to be honored, take care of you today!

((hugs))

How does Semi-Open Adoption benefit the Adoptee

2008-04-24T13:51:00.006-04:00

This post is in regards to TG'S Post as I felt that I couldn't really address it there without writing a book. So here we go!

I entered into a semi-open adoption with my birth son's parents for him. NEVER once was it about me, I had no desire to do anymore than sign the papers saying he would be theirs forever. After much talk between the agency and myself, I did decide it would be beneficial to him to have some sort of contact. How would writing to his mom be beneficial? I would keep her informed of the changes in my medical history, I would keep her updated on the things going on in my life, I would send pictures of myself for him to be able to look at over the years, I would be able to let her know where birth father was and how he was doing if the need ever came up because he did NOT want to be a part of their lives, I would be able to let her know that birth son had more siblings as they came along. So you ask, how is that beneficial to him? For one, he would never have to ask "Who do I look like?" He would never have to wonder "Why did she place me?" He would know why he has headaches that have now been diagnosed as Arachnoid cysts, He wouldn't have to spend countless hours and money to search if he so chose to do so and HE would have a say in how much contact we had as he grew up. Yes I suppose in OA he would also have the option of saying "this is to much for me, back off" but I feel that would be much easier to do in a semi-open adoption where it could be done via a letter versus having to sit down and look me in the face and say "I don't want you in my life right now" which IMO would be hard for a kid to do.

As a First mom in what was a Semi-OA, I can tell you, I cried, worried, stressed, got physically ill EVERY TIME I wrote a letter. Was I saying the right thing? Did I overstep my boundaries? Did I include enough info, too much? Can they read through my words how much I care and love him? Do they understand how important all of this is to me? No, I didn't have to physically leave him over and over again, but everytime I sent a letter it was a reminder of what I was missing. Everytime I received a letter about him hitting milestones it was a reminder of what I was missing. I didn't seem him face to face, but it was just as hard to see him through pictures knowing he was growing up without me. Seeing that big boy that he was becoming and knowing I had nothing to do with that, but also knowing that the older he got the more he "might" want to know more about me.

I am rambling, but I can tell you this, I DO NOT CARE what ANYONE in society belives, thinks about OA or Semi-OA but for this MOM it was never about me, not one time!

I am not totally sold on OA, although I know it is working out for some and I think that is great, but even today, 17 years later, I am not sure I could have done it or even would have done it. Maybe someday I will live to regret it, hell maybe I am now.

Invitation Accepted!!

2008-04-22T10:23:00.004-04:00

One of my cyber-sisters and a dear friend is having a rough time with the amom of her bdaughter and has invited some of her cyber friends to write a letter to amom, these will not be sent but it does our heart good to get it out so that we can continue to be supportive of her during these hard times. Others have written some really good letters, I do not write eloquently, but I wanted cyber friend to know that I gave it thought and put it in my words the best I can with her in my mind, so here it is.

Dear AM, There are so many things that I think you need to know about me, things I wish I could have communicated over the phone to you but you were to busy to make the time to do what you said you would do. You have left me no other choice than to tell you in this email what I think you may not know. First, I am here, for life, not for you not for me but for M. This is not about you or me, it is about M. If you will keep M and her best interest at heart at all times, we will have no need to continue having this conversation over and over until she reaches the age in which she can make the decisions on her own, without your negative vibes influencing her. Now that I have reiterated that M is the only one that matters here and that I am not going anywhere, I would like to discuss what it is we are going to do to ensure that M knows that I am a part of her and that I love her and that I will always be here for her in whatever way she needs me to be. You can not be trusted AM, you have proven this to me by your lack of response to the things that are important to me concerning M. The card I sent for her B-day, why did you not acknowledge that? You knew that was important to me, yet you dismissed it as if it were nothing. The busy excuse just doesn't work for me anymore, I am busy as well but I make time for the important things in my life, M is important to me. Did you give her the card? I want this to be her decision, not yours, we have been making decisions for her for 16 years, don't you think it is time she has some input? I was hoping to hear that you handed her the card (as it was for her) and let her choose whether or not she wanted to open it or stuff it in a drawer for a later date, when she was ready, not when you are ready. I am not some stranger that sent a card to your daughter, I am the reason she is yours to begin with and if she sees me as a stranger I can thank you for that. Children learn by example, I hope that M doesn't see how flaky you are through other actions in your life since surely she doesn't know you told me you would call and then were to "busy" to do so. I have dreams and hopes for M, I have had those since the day she was born and I am sure you have to, I just wonder if we have those same hopes and dreams for her? I hope she is happy, loved, secure in who she is and where she came from. I worry that you hope she is happy, loved and remembers who made her who she is and I don't think you include me in these thoughts.

I am sad for how things are turning out, again, not for me, but for M. I hope soon, we can work this all out for M.

Cyber friend and sista~ I love ya and I am so sorry that things are the way they are. Keep being who you are and doing what you do, your love for your daughter shines through it all! (((hugs))

I've been Tagged.......

2008-04-21T21:17:00.010-04:00

Apparently since I have been silent about my weight loss and elliptical progress a dear sweet cyber friend Becky decided this would be a great way to hear from me, so she wants to hear 6 random things about me, here we go!

1) I love to read! Janet Evanovich is my fav author and life stops when she publishes a new book. She is a very talented writer and her books are absolutely hilarious to read. Love, Love, Love her. I once stood at Barnes & Noble for 5 hours just to meet her and get an autographed copy of one of her books!

2) I love being at home. There is alot of truth to what Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz said "There's no place like home". My friends all like to go out, shop, meet for lunch, meet for girls day out but me, I like being home. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE TO SHOP, but for the most part, home is good! I even married a homebody like me, we just love being at home.

3) I love reality TV! The Bachelor, Big Brother, American Idol, are among the many shows I really like to watch. Maybe it is because I can visually see that dysfunction doesn't just live in my house...LMAO!!!

4) In general, I do not like women! I have had such bad experiences with girlfriends,the backstabbing, 2-faced kind. My heart is very guarded when it comes to making friends with females.However, with that said, I am VERY fortunate to have some awesome cyber girlfriends that I wouldn't trade for the world!!

5) I like to bowl and I am pretty good at it. Hubby and I bowl in a league once a week, this is our night out, see I told you we are exciting people..LOL

6) And the 6th random thing about me.....I really wanted 6 kids when I was younger. I have 5, parent 4 and can NOT imagine life with 6 kids. What was I thinking????

OK, there you have it. You can now officially say you know one of the most boring people in the world. I am going to TAG.....Michellebecause I think she forgot how to blog ! Leigh because she needs more fun in her life :-) Jennabecause having 2 kids isn't keeping her busy enough and last but not leastB because like Jenna she just isn't busy enough!!

DRUMROLL~~~~5LBS!

2008-04-13T23:23:00.002-04:00

In 1 week I have lost a total of 5 lbs. WHOOOOO!!! OK, so I know I won't lose that every week, but man I needed to see that on the scales today. Late night desires for snacks are still getting to me, I don't give in, but sure do want to! So that is my biggest battle right now.I am on the second week of my walking regimen, started today.It is hard. My legs are so sore tonight and my family has had much fun at my expense. I also took pics today for later comparison. I am a visual person, so I will need to be able to look back and see the weight gone! OK, gotta get to bed seems to be the easiest way to stay away from snacking..LOL

Brown~ 20 minutes on the elliptical today~~GO ME!

Day 3 Feeling Good!

2008-04-08T23:53:00.002-04:00

Ok, NO this will not turn into a blog about my new healthy life. BUT, for now, yep that is what it is! Today I walked twice, once this morning and again this evening. It relaxes me, gives me time to think about things and a welcomed break from the kids being home on Spring Break. I drank 80 oz. of water today and wrote down all of what I ate for the day. I will share.....small bagel with tsp. cream cheese for breakfast, broccoli with butter salt for lunch, some grapes in between lunch and dinner, 4oz. steak, baked potato with a tsp. butter and more broccoli for dinner. I feel totally full and have yet to feel the need to run grab the bag of Doritos..LOL. I need suggestions for what I am going to do on Thursday when it rains all day??? I will not walk in the rain (yes, I would melt, I am made out of sugar ya know). I have an Elliptical machine, isn't that for hanging clothes on though?? No, really, I hate it! My feet hurt when I am on it, it seems so long and boring, so help me! OK, so maybe a little pain and extra time would be OK, or not?

Day 2 of Getting Healthy

2008-04-08T01:03:00.002-04:00

I love this program! It totally motivates me to get my butt moving. I also found someone to do it with me, that makes it sooo much easier. What I like best is that I walk a total of 20 minutes... walk 5 minutes, stop, do 15 of these exercises, walk 10 minutes, stop, do 30 exercises, walk 5 more minutes getting you home. Once your home you do 1 minute of "reeds" and your done! Of course that is this week and next week gets harder, still only 20 minutes of actual walking, continuing the exercises I am dong and add in squats, the third week even harder. But I am determined and I will post my weight loss once a week. I am drinking my water, watching what I eat and trying to steer clear of snacking to much. I already feel better, just knowing I am doing something. Maybe I won't dread summer and bathing suit season quite so much :-)

Getting Healthy

2008-04-07T00:09:00.002-04:00

I don't talk about this often, but today I am going to. My weight is such an issue for me. I am heavier right now than I have ever been in my life. So while standing in the check-out line at the grocery, I saw a magazine called "First" and in big bold letters it said "Walk OFF 96% More Fat" Well let me tell you, 5 years ago I had some left over "baby" weight and to get it off I start walking 2 miles a night. It worked! I lost inches, weight and I felt so good about me and then I began to get depressed over M and I gained it all back and then some, er, alot. So, today, I vowed to get to steppin...I am going to get the weight off, be healthier for my kids and hubby and feel better about me. I am following the article in the magazine versus walking my usual 2 miles as it makes more sense to do what it says. Kim Lyons from "The Biggest Loser" outlines how to do this 3 week walking, exercise program to boost your metabolism and help you lose weight and tone your muscles as you are doing it.

Now, this is where you all come in, I NEED SUPPORT! I really need an accountability person, but since you all are not here and I could lie to you, LOL, just an occasional pop in would help greatly. I love food! Really love it! So, the walking and exercise will not be a problem however, passing on the foods that are bad for me and the stress eating that I do, will be. Anyone have any suggestions on how to keep from eating when I am stressed, pass them on.

Oh food. Go Away. Just for a little while??

Dale Jr. 88

2008-04-06T01:34:00.002-04:00

Oh Dale! For those that don't know, I LOVE Dale Jr. Nascar is ok, but I love me some Dale. You may ask, What is it about Dale that I love? Well, it isn't that he is HAWT, because really, he isn't what I consider HAWT, rather I think he is just so damn cute I could, uhm, well, I love him! The past 6 years have been tough for Dale, with the loss of his daddy and then having to deal with his witch of a step-mom and all things dealing with DEI, I am so glad that he is now with Hendricks where he WILL succeed. He has the pole for tomorrow, sure would love to see him give Hendricks their first win of the year!! If you don't know anything about him, check him out. You don't have to like Nascar to love Dale,just a good guy, a guy you would be proud for your daughter to bring home to you. GO #88!!!! WHOOOOO!

I am OK, is that a bad thing?

2008-04-06T01:15:00.003-04:00

So, I have been thinking alot about why I am so calm about the lack of contact from M. Surely I should be upset and devestated that I have not heard from him since C-mas, right? Now, don't get me wrong, I think about it, I make up crazy reasons in my mind as to why there is a lack of contact, I even get upset occasionally, but I work hard at not letting it consume my daily life. But, but, then I get upset that I am not upset, that there are days when it just doesn't matter, that it is what it is. I reflect back on the 10 years of not knowing if he was dead or alive, I remember that there were days that I was devestated and then there were days where "it is what it is" so maybe it is a way of protecting myself? Maybe it is my way of dealing with it? But I worry so much about becoming emotionally unattached to it all and honestly, some days, I just get tired of caring. It hurts. Maybe it always will. I know he is young, I know he is consumed with all the things kids his age are supposed to be consumed with, maybe that is why I am ok most days, because I finally know that he is alive, healthy, and doing what he is suppose to be doing at this time in his life. So, with all this knowledge I claim to have, why do I still feel guilty for being ok? Not that I want to go back to being the whine bag that I was when I didn't know where he was, but will I grow cold? Will my heart learn to live without him and be ok with it? I don't want to be ok, being ok seems to say "I don't care" and I do care. I do.

So, tonight, I miss him, I love him and I want to remind myself that 17 yrs ago I said I would always care, I would always be here and I will. I Promise.

Feb 19, my last post, OMG...

2008-03-30T22:57:00.003-04:00

How does time go so fast? How do I spend so many hours on this computer and yet never seem to make time to blog? I have TONS of thoughts running inside my head, lots to talk about and yet I don't make the time to come here and get them out. So much is going on that I don't think I even know where to begin. Hubby being laid off has caused alot of stress over here, financial stress sucks! Thankfully our marriage is strong enough to handle it, but I tell you, the toll it is taking on me physically is awful. I am in the 3rd week of pain in my shoulder. I know it is tension and stress, icy hot helps for a brief time but I need the pain to go away.for good. The ex continues to be an ass, could careless to help out during this time, thinks his child support is enough. M hasn't made contact with me since C-mas, kinda irritated about that. I dropped him an email at the first of Feb., no response. I did find out that his sister is having a wonderful relationship with her birth family and is contemplating moving to the state in which they live, so wonder if that may have something to do with him not contacting me. Is his mother having a hard time dealing with J's new found relationship and M doesn't want to add to it? I sure hope he isn't taking on that responsibility, but I can understand if he is.

F has his first game tomorrow night, he has worked hard. I hope they win! He has done well dealing with the loss of his friend, however he did mention him tonight. I think he is afraid to "forget" him, poor kids, I hate that they have had to deal with something this tragic at such a young age.

K, Q, & J are all doing well. I am blessed to have such wonderful kids, but don't let them fool you, they all have their days...LOL

Well, for tonight that is all I have. So much more I could ramble about, especially if we want to talk adoption and stereotypes, but ahh for tonight I am too tired.

Hope everyone is well!

Prayers for my son

2008-02-19T23:26:00.002-05:00

This blog entry isn't about M, it is about Fred. The prayers are for him and for the friend he lost yesterday. Prayers are needed for 2 parents who will bury their dear son on Thursday, a life lost at the tender age of 15. My hurt aches tonight for my son, for all of his friends that are feeling the loss, for the parents of this child. I can't fathom having to deal with my child committing suicide, infact, it is killing me to think about it. Have I always said the right things? Do my kids know that no problem is to big to come to me with? Have I instilled in them the value of life? Do they know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how devestating suicide is to those of us left behind in this world? I love my children, this is a huge fear! Unfortunately not a fear I think about daily, until this happened. Now, here I sit, worrying, not because I am not an awesome mom, I am, I know that. But did B's mom think the same thing? Did she think that it couldn't happen to her child? Were there signs she missed? He left a note, he failed a random drug test (all of our athletes have them randomly done) he was afraid what his parents would do to him, does my Fred think that? He passed his, but I am not naive enough to believe that it might not just be a failed random drug test, it could be the break up of a girlfriend, it could be being cut from the baseball team, a number of things push our kids of today to think that they can't handle life and for some, the answer is suicide, HOW do I keep it from being one of mine? I love them with all I have, I try to reiterate that I am always here and that no problem is to big that together as a family we can't get through, but is it enough?

Thursday will be a tough day for Fred, this is the first friend he has ever lost and it breaks my heart that he has lost him at 15. 15, too young...please keep everyone in your prayers!!

For M

2008-02-04T13:37:00.001-05:00

My Dearest M,

In my previous emails I have tip-toed around all the things I really want to say to you, so today I will put it all out there.

Son, I have loved you from the day I knew you were in my womb. There hasn't been a day in 17 years that I haven't thought of you, longed to hear your voice, to see your face, to tell you how very much you are loved by your first mom. Yes, I went on to have other children, I love them with all of my heart, just the same as I love you, the difference is that I didn't know I could have parented you, that the intense love for you that drove me to place you, was enough. I was so worried that you wouldn't have the best of the best in material things that I didn't realize that the sound of a familiar voice, the intense love that I have for you, the bond we had from you living in utero for 9 months would have been enough while I was trying to get it together. I simply didn't want you to suffer, not for one minute, so I made the plan and I cried a million tears, today I still cry those same tears. 17 years ago those tears were for what I knew I was going to miss, today they are tears for what I KNOW I have missed. You have grown into such a wonderful young man and from the few emails I have receieved thus far, you have a good heart. I am very proud of who you have become, but I wish you would give me a chance to show you who I have become. I am much the same person I was 17 years ago, though I do see things much differently today than I did then. I love you now, I loved you then, make no mistake about that, but today, today I realize just how big the mistake of placing you was. There is a hole in my heart that may never be filled, a hole that I created by not raising you. I am glad that you had a good life, but it isn't anything I couldn't have given you, it would have just been a different life, good, but different. I don't own a million dollar company, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't live in a half a million dollar home, but in this house there is so much love that I am very wealthy! I am blessed to have 4 children who love me without boundaries, with the same intense love I have for them and for you. The chance for us to find that love was taken away from us, by your mom, from her insecurities.See, we could have built this relationship for the last 17 years, she took that away from us. I am having a hard time forgiving her for that, I will, but it is hard. I have always respected her, always respected her as your mom, she didn't have the same respect for me. She feared me, feared I would try and take you back.....she wouldn't be wrong in thinking that I loved you so much that I longed to have you back with me, where she was wrong was in thinking that I would have ever caused you the pain of having to go through something so awful, aside from the fact that legally there was nothing I could have done 7 years post placement of you. I made that awful decision, I regret it to this day, but I would never disturb your life, I love you that much that I continue, 17 years later to sacrifice my heart and my feelings for you to be happy.

I want you to know......I loved you then, I love you now and there is nothing I can do to change the past, I am here when you need me, still loving you.

Forever your first mom,
Michelle

FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS......I will NOT be sending this, but it was theraputic to write it out!

Could it be that she is pregnant???

2008-02-04T00:54:00.000-05:00

So, I checked out M's girlfriends myspace and although it is private I did see her headliner. It says and I quote "Mrs.D Loves Mr.D equals Haley Nathan". Now, I don't know about you, but that reeks of baby names to me and it scares the shit out of me. They are 17 years old, still in HS and so close to what my situation was when I made that agonizing decision 17 years ago. I so hope this is just a girl playing grown up, thinking about being married to him and having his babies and choosing names, but I sure wish I knew if that were the case.

Maybe I should summons the ex to ask in his next email, since they are such good buddies now? ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I am here!

2008-02-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

I really can't believe it has been almost a month since I posted last. I guess other than the normal "mom" stuff that I do, nothing much has been post worthy, until tonight.

First I must say "Eli Manning ROCKS!!" I am so excited for The Manning family, how proud the parents of Eli and Peyton must be. So, while we were celebrating the win of the Giants tonight and talking amongst ourselves in this house, thousands of miles away my first son was thinking of his first father and corresponding on how awesome it is that the Manning boys had back to back MVP's and Superbowl wins! Am I jealous? Damn straight I am! Am I still pissed off that I was the one to do the "leg" work in finding him and making contact with his mom so that I could try and build some type of relationship with him, only for first father to have what I long for? Absolutely I am! I am crushed tonight. I am sick and tired of being crushed, I am tired of being patient, I am tired of doing the right thing only to be smacked in the face.

I have emailed him, I have been patient, I am tired. I hate adoption today, I hate ex most everyday, and right now, I am hating myself for making such a stupid decision almost 18 years ago, that is still affecting me today. So, if you pray, pray for me. Pray that God will give me guidance ( DO NOT PRAY FOR ME TO HAVE MORE PATIENCE...LOL)
Pray that he will see me through this and that I can stay strong in my faith that he is going to carry me through this.

(((hugs)))) Hope you are all well!

I am Blessed!

2008-01-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

I come here to vent alot about M and the adoption but believe it or not I do know how blessed I am. I have a life outside of adoption. A wonderful husband, 4 really great kids, good friends, all in all a great life. So this post will be about 1 of those 4 great kids.

Fred~ I am so blessed to have a 15 year old teenager that still thinks I am wonderful despite my nagging and the punishments I had out. I have always known that he thinks I "rock" but some days it hits me how much he really thinks of me and how lucky I am to have such a good boy. This morning, like all mornings, he was cranky. He is like his mamma in the sense that he does not do mornings. But today, in his rush to get up and get ready and out the door in under a half an hour, he remembered to hug me tight and tell me he loved me and hopes I have a good day.....this makes my heart feel so full!!I know alot of teenagers, hell, I was one, some are like mine, more aren't. He has such a good heart, my Fred, and I am sooo proud to be his mom and so proud that he is my son!

I love you Son!

Where does the time go?

2008-01-09T10:10:00.000-05:00

I seriously thought I had posted a New Year Post, but maybe in the midst of all the "holiday" crap I forgot? Sounds good enough, Ha! Or maybe it is because I have nothing to post about, no emails from M or his mom! He is 17, yadda yadda yadda, I know this....I know that he has a life, that he doesn't sit around obsessing over me, that he doesn't sit around searching adoption sites and giving advice, he is living his life, isn't that what I wanted? SO why the moaning and groaning from me? I just want an email, it isn't to much to ask, he said he would write, so write dammit. I want to know he is ok, not ok in the sense of alive and well but in the sense that he is ok since having heard from me. I need to know that I haven't completely turned his world upside down, that he isn't angry at me and if he is let me try to help. GAH! I don't know, this reunion shit isn't as easy as I was hoping. All the research, all the listening, all the preparation for reunion did not make me ready for this, can you really ever be ready? I don't think so! So I sit and I wait, and I hope he is well!

Quick Praise

2007-12-26T00:59:00.000-05:00

I have waited 17 years to receive anything from my first son and today, I got it. He emailed me this morning to say Merry Christmas and that he hoped me and my family had a good day, that he would write again soon...The best part of his emails to me are the end, where he says "Love, M" See, he doesn't have to say love, in fact most 17 year old boys that I know, wouldn't. It would be something like "talk to you soon , M" or "Later, M" but he chose Love and it sure feels good! Does it mean he "loves" me, maybe not, but it means something, something good and I LOVE it and I love him! I am so blessed this Christmas and I give all the glory to GOD!

I feel so complete this year, my children, ALL of my children gave me something special this year. Merry Christmas again everyone!!!

Merry Christmas!!

2007-12-23T20:43:00.000-05:00

Ya, Ya, I know, it isn't Christmas yet. We will be so busy the next 2 days though and I wanted to make sure everyone knows how much I appreciate them! This year has been amazing and I plan to recap alot of it before the year ends. Today I have had a few moments of weakness, I am happy. I am. But my emotions are all over the place, whoever said that reunion was hard, nailed it on the head. I haven't received an email yet, I am hoping for a Christmas email...that would be the BEST gift I could get, so Santa if your reading, that is what I want.

Ok, So let me post what I intended to post here. For all of you, you know who you are, that have cried with me, listened to me bitch, encouraged me and rejoiced with me, THANK YOU! I have been so blessed to have each of you in my life, I couldn't have gotten as far as I have without you girls. Many miles separate each of us, but I know I can count on all of you to be there for me anytime I need you and I am so grateful for that. In turn, I hope that each of you know that you can count on me to always be there for you as well. I love you all and I hope that each and everyone of you have a Merry Christmas and that the New Year brings good things for all!!

Chooo FREAKING Choooo! LOL

2007-12-13T23:17:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been almost 2 weeks since that first email from M. I have sent another email to him and I am waiting for his next response. I know he is busy and 17 which likely means I will be patiently waiting for sometime, that is ok. I am OK. Life feels really good right now. I do have to admit that I worry that this email will come and it won't be as good as the last one, it might say "Hey I can't handle this" and I need to prepare for that. But I can't. I will continue to enjoy the feeling I have for now, enjoy this first Christmas with contact and Praise God for it! He has been with me through all of this, he will not forsake me now.

I do feel guilty. Why? Well this will seem contradictory to my previous posts, but I feel guilty that I have contact and I haven't told the ex about it. I want to. I have in the past, and it has come back to bite me. But I know how I have felt in the past, not having contact, and if he feels that pain........Well I just can't wish that pain on my worst enemy and I don't want it for him either. So, I am THINKING of telling him, but I am scared. Scared that he will do something stupid, scared that he will try to email M and scare him off from both of us and then his pain will cause me pain again *sigh* I am still thinking about all of this, I just know that as much of a jerk as I think he has been, he very well may be the reason I have what I have.

Christmas is coming, I think I will send them a Christmas card. His mom still hasn't replied to my email to her, just don't know what to make of that. I want to have a relationship with her, maybe she doesn't feel the same way. I find it somewhat sad, I think it would be much easier on him if we could develop "something" anything, to know that his First Mom and his Mom get along sure seems like it would ease his fears, if he has any, of having a relationship with me.

Well, it is late, I am off to bed. Best wishes for everyone and I hope Santa brings good things to all of you!

Could it really be a positive post????

2007-12-04T23:22:00.000-05:00

We have contact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I received an email from M tonight. He is so sweet!! He said he is sure we will talk again soon and that he hopes to hear from me soon and then he said.....
LOVE, M(his name). I can not even begin to say how completely happy and relieved I am! 17 years of waiting for this and honestly it is about 8 years earlier than I ever dreamed of. I will post more tomorrow, I am gonna go read and re-read and re-read my email.......LOL

Love to all of you who have helped see me through all of this!!!

My child is NOT a gift to be given away like a pair of socks!

2007-12-03T23:41:00.000-05:00

It has been a long night. Not sure if I can even form a coherent post, but I will give it a try. I checked the ex's myspace tonight and found this:

This has been the best birthday ever , I got a wish and prayer answered after 17 years , A new promotion a great church family and great friends and the best kids ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I found this:

I feel that Adoption is the most wonderful gift for one couple, and the most heartbreaking reality for another, Giving a gift to a couple that otherwise would not be able to have a child, is a selfless act. But by giving them up out of LOVE , is knowing the child will have a brighter future. Eventhough the choice is a very hard one, the child welfair is the main goal. Although the reality is knowing there a child out there that your heart will alway yern for always.

And some times the couple try to stay together but no amount of true love can keep them together!!!! because the feeling and heartbreak of having a child and giving up a child you start to blame the other person !!! It took two people to sign to give up the child (but if one person said no maybe the other one could have changed there mind? The couple that loved, laugh, cried ,and where soul mate forever IS NO MORE ??!!??

First off, let's agree he can not spell or write, mmmmmk! Next let's look at what I see wrong with both sets of "thoughts" from Wonder Daddy. When I read the first one about his best birthday ever, I got a funny feeling that he was in contact with M and it really pissed me off. SO I call him, ask him if he has made contact with M (already knowing that he did a couple months ago) He played dumb, repeated my question, and we played this game for a few minutes before he finally confessed that he did contact him and that M had emailed him back. To say that I am hurt is putting it mildly, as I sit here waiting for a return email from M myself. Then to know that Wonder Daddy didn't share this email with me hurts me as well, because, well, I shared all the information that I worked 10 long years, all by myself to get ,with him. How I long to see his words even in typed formation, and he couldn't share that with me??? I am devestated, I did it the right way, I contacted his mom and she in turn was able to ask him if he wanted to hear from me. I put him in the driver's seat, his bfather disregarded all the right things and went in head strong and he comes out with an email. Can someone tell me what is wrong with this picture??

The second thing, MY child was not a gift to J&D. He wasn't a cool pair of shoes, he wasn't a cute pair of socks, HE WAS A BABY in need of a home. I hate that, but it is the truth. Wonder Daddy thinks this is the best thing he has ever done, he is a hero. He gave a childless couple a baby (though he forgets they already had adopted one and J had 2 kids from a previous marriage, or hmm, maybe he didn't know that since he wouldn't get to know them or meet them) HE gave them a gift. Funny, I didn't feel like I was giving them a gift, I felt like I had just ripped my heart out and handed it to them.

Apparently now, in his tiny little brain, he blames me. If one person had said no, then maybe the other would have changed their mind? Hmmm, funny, The way I see it was, Maybe if someone had taken responsibility for their actions, stepped up to the plate and been the dad M needed him to be, I wouldn't have been scared to death that I would have to raise a child on my own. Neither here nor there, but I didn't do it alone and neither did he, sure seems like he wants me to take the blame.

Not today Wonder Daddy, Not TODAY.

Fresh out of Patience

2007-12-03T00:28:00.000-05:00

I have been patient for 10 years. I have waited for the right time to contact my bson and he decided now was the time, so I did, and what has it done to me? It has made me crazy, crazier than I was, hush. I wake up looking for an email, I constantly check email all day long, I sit here night after night, knowing he is online, waiting for something, anything. I have nothing. Wait, I have something, I have anger.

I am angry at his mom. For the last 10 years I told myself "she did not do this intentionally" and now, I know that she did do it intentionally. I would be content with saying "No biggie, stuff happens, we can move on now" IF she would do the right thing now, and she isn't. I emailed her the same day I emailed M, he hasn't responded becasuse 1. He is 17 2. He is 17 and 3. he is 17. She is 60, what is her excuse? I don't want to hear "busy", "scared", "guilty" I just don't. I am a mother to 4, a wife, a secretary, a moderator for a very busy adoption site, a cabbie, need I go on...and I make time to email her. It would be nice to have gotten an email from her letting me know how M "dealt" with my email to him, but then she isn't looking like such a nice person these days.

I am also angry because this is her fault. We wouldn't have this big "reuinion" if she had kept her word. She didn't. I can not change it. But, sheesh, can you try to right a wrong? *sigh( What is she teaching him? That you can deceive people and it is ok? That you can hurt people and it is no big deal? That you do what you have to, to get what you want and it doesn't matter who you hurt along the way??

I am frustrated tonight, I am going to bed. Pray for me, pray she will dig deep and find some compassion and at least let me know how he is dealing with all of this.

It has been 4 days....

2007-11-30T09:18:00.000-05:00

Since I wrote and sent the email to M. I knew he wouldn't return a response very quickly, but now I am allowing myself to go places in my mind that I don't need to go. What if he just wanted to hear from me, he might not write back. What if he isn't handling it well? I don't want to be a source of pain for him, it was never my intentions. I know he got it, he has read it and he has logged into Myspace every morning before school since he got it, could he be composing a return email? Could he be re-reading it, trying to read something that isn't there? Did I say to much? Did I not say enough?? I was thinking yesterday that I wish I had invited him to be friends on Myspace but now I feel it is to late, I don't want to push him. I just wish he would give me something, and I guess he kinda did. He and K (his girlfriend) both changed their pics, so I got to see new ones, that was nice. But I want so badly to hear from him, for him to tell me he is ok, to tell me I haven't completely ruined his life by my dreams of being a part of it.

I need Starbucks, I need a freaking EMAIL from a 17 yr old kid who probably has not thought about me since he read it on Monday....*sigh*

Santa has come to visit...............ME!!

2007-11-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

I do believe this could be written as one of the best days of my life thus far!! I received an email on Thanksgiving from M's mom. She was somewhat cold and distant, I was disappointed. Basically she said that she had intentionally let the P.O.Box go out of fear. 7 years after the adoption is finalized and she became fearful of losing him? I don't understand it, but it is what it is. I must admit I was angry, she took a lot away from us in these past 10 years. I will not go any further with these thoughts because I have good news now.................................

He wants contacts!!!!!!!!!!! I received another email today from his mom, she was much nicer and more sincere in this email. She said that they had talked about me and that while he is not ready for f2f contact he would like to correspond with me via My space. OMG, I can not even begin to tell you how excited I am about this. This opens up so many possibilities, I am scared, I am happy, I am FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do I say, where do I begin????? I can not wait to email him, I can not wait for him to email me back!!

CHOOO FREAKING CHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Pain Is Worse Than Yours.........

2007-11-20T23:07:00.000-05:00

This gets so old. Pain is pain, plain and simple. To invalidate someone else's pain to make one feel better does a disservice to all involved. The pain I feel after having my semi-open adoption closed is no more painful than a First mom who has an open adoption with issues. Some may say, well at least an open adoption with issues still means First mom gets to see her child, have communication, mine being closed I get nothing so that must mean my pain is worse. I disagree, I can't feel the pain of the open adoption First mom, I do not walk in her shoes. I acknowledge her pain, empathize with her and just allow her to feel what she feels. In turn, she acknowledges my pain, though she has no idea what my pain feels like, she empathizes and lets me feel what I feel.

How hard is this people? We can all have pain without comparing who's pain is worse. I can only imagine that being infertile must bring some kind of pain for some. I can only imagine that being adopted must bring some kind of pain for some, I will not diminish their pain by trying to convince them that because I hurt they should walk a mile in my shoes and know what real pain is, their pain is real TO THEM, and that is all that matters.

We need to find more compassion in this world, we do. I don't want to feel an adoptive mother's pain, I don't want to feel an adoptee's pain and I wouldn't wish my pain on any one of them. What I do want, I want to acknowledge them, lift them up when I can, give a hug and tell them I don't live their pain but I wish good things for them. WWJD?

What I am Thankful for.......

2007-11-12T00:19:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I don't have that I easily forget what I do have. I am so thankful first off for my Savior Jesus Christ, without him I wouldn't be where I am today. There have been many trials and tribulations in my life, he sees me through them all. I am thankful for my husband, without his unconditional love and support I couldn't be the wife and mother that I am . He is a blessing not only to me but to my children. How many men at the age of 24 would take on 3 kids that don't belong to them and love them as if they were his own? He is a wonderful father to our son and an awesome step-dad to our children. I am thankful for my children, they are my life. They keep me on my toes, teach me things I never knew they could teach me and I am so very proud of each one of them. It is a blessing to be their mom. I am thankful for my mom, takes a strong woman to raise 2 kids after a divorce. She did it, she struggled, she sacrificed, she worked a lot and today she would tell you that if she could do it all over there are things she would have done differently, I think she did ok. I am proud of my mom.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the knowledge of my First son's whereabouts. To know he is alive and well gives me more than I could ever ask for. I lived 10 years with so many thoughts as to what could have happened to him and his family and now I have the peace of mind of knowing he is right where I left him, with his mom and his sister, alive and well. I am thankful for his family, even in these days that I think they have done me wrong, they have done what I asked them to do, raise him,love him,and make him part of their family....can I really ask for more than this?

There is so much to be thankful for, all we have to do is look around.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!

I have to see this movie!

2007-11-10T01:16:00.000-05:00

August Rush
I found this through Jenna's blog and I am telling you, I need to see it. The trailer moved me to tears, I can only imagine what the movie as a whole will do.

It comes out in theaters November 21st, go see it and let's talk about it.

Finding Peace

2007-11-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

Things happen in our lives that sometimes require us to find peace. For me that comes in the form of adoption, particularly the placement of my first son. I thought I had found it, then this past month I realized I hadn't. I am not at peace with it, I regret it, I hate it, not because I regret the parents I chose for him but because I wasn't in a place to parent him. I am not going to talk about my regrets though, if you know me you know my thoughts on that. I want to talk about peace.

To me, peace is accepting what happened, accepting that I can not change the situation, accepting that God has a hand in it all and a plan yet to come. I am not there, I am not at peace. I want to be, I really do, but things aren't where I need them to be to allow my heart a chance to heal. Promises were broken, trust was shattered, friendships were dissolved, anger and hurt are still prevelant, I need to let it go. I can't. I fear becoming bitter and my heart becoming hard, I fear the walls that have been up for years may never come down. Until I can get rid of this anger and hurt I will not find peace in anything that pertains to my adoption journey. I fear that if I continue on the path that I am on I will only suffer more. M will find a First Mom that is bitter and I have spent to many years on trying not to be. This last month and all that has transpired has taken it's toll on me, but it won't win. I will overcome it, I have to.

sigh They say we should "Suck it Up"

2007-11-03T22:50:00.000-04:00

I should preface this with "most" of the time people are very supportive of my feelings and emotions surrounding the placement of my First Son. Then sometimes I come across a few that think I need to "suck it up" and deal with it. You see, it was my decision, I had a choice, If I couldn't or wouldn't parent my child then I should just be thankful that someone did.

Well let me tell you this, BALONEY! Choice, what a funny word. Yes I had a choice, in fact I had 3. I could parent, I could place, I could abort. Abortion was out of the question, my heart doesn't allow it, my religion is against it and so that eliminates that choice for me. Parenting was an option, yet one that when I sought out help in my crisis pregnancy, no one encouraged me to do. I was told that my baby deserved the best possible life he could have and since I was single and didn't have tons of money adoption was a wonderful option. Wonderful option for who? For me, I live with the regret of placing him and a year and a half later being in a completly different place in my life and able to be a great parent to him. For him? Maybe, who really knows, he has a good life but who is to say his life wouldn't have been just as wonderful with me and his siblings?

My decision, well last I checked I am not the Virgin Mary and there was no immaculate conception. So that would mean there was another party involved in this decision, the First Father. Some may say "Well if he didn't want to parent, you still could have" and that seems like a simple solution. But again, I heard the voices of the agency workers saying "your child deserves the best", "your child deserves 2 parents that are married and stable", so while it was my decision, I felt like I had no right to make any other decision than the one I made.

As for being "Thankful" for the people who did raise my child when I chose not to or could not? I am thankful that my son was able to be placed into a loving home and to grow up into the man he is becoming. Thankful can go 2 ways here, I could say "The a-parents should be thankful I was able to place my child with them, they may not be parents without me" I would have been far more thankful had someone told me there were resources to help me parent my child for that year and a half I struggled, or if one person had encouraged me to try to parent when I was sobbing and telling them if I held my son I would never be able to let him go, but they didn't. SO tell me, why should I be thankful that my son isn't here with his me and his bio siblings today??

So, you see "suck it up" and deal with it, I have. 17 LONG years of sucking it up and dealing with it and for those of you that can't muster up a bit of compassion for those who felt like they did the best they could and have some hard days emotionally I say , Shame on you!

10 years of Patience, Do I have any left???

2007-11-03T15:21:00.000-04:00

So, I sent the letter to D, kept it short and sweet and sent via email. Today is Saturday and that was Tuesday and I haven't heard a word. Not.A.Word. Not a, "Sorry, I am busy will write soon", not a "Sorry, M doesn't want me to talk to you", just nothing. It brings back 10 years ago when I was waiting for a return letter from her and never received one. This time though, I have more info. I know they are ok, I know that there is a possibility that M doesn't want anything to do with me at this time, what I don't know is why it is so hard to drop a quick email to let me know something. I feel the same way about 10 yrs ago, why was it so hard then to drop a letter in the mail explaining that life was hard and when things calmed down she would reconnect. It sucks to be left hanging, it really does. I feel hopeful that she will write but my patience is gone, just gone!

It's My Birthday!

2007-10-26T21:55:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday and I am so glad it is almost over. Not because it is a bad thing, age doesn't affect me much, but because this means that the end of October is very near. I hate this month, I do. I am doing better, I am realizing that I can not change the things that my ex has done, I can not make Mark want to meet me, I can not undo the past. What I can do? Be the best mom and wife to my family right here, be healthy emotionally and physically in case Mark ever wants to meet me, Love them all with everything I have. I am not spending any more negative energy on trying to make things be the way I want them to be. It is what it is and I can't do a darn thing about it.

All that said, we went to a Halloween party with my youngest boys tonight (the older 2 had a teen party to go to). We had fun and it felt good to focus my thoughts and time on them. Life is looking up, keep praying for me. Thanks!

2007-10-24T00:24:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing in around you? Have you ever felt the weight of an elephant on your chest? Have you ever felt like everything was against you? This is no pity party, DO NOT pity me, pray for me. I can not get through this alone without God, I can't and I won't even pretend that I can. I need him more now than ever and I know he has been by my side through it all, but the pain is so intense right now. Every time I sit down at this computer I get more bad news, what is he trying to convey to me? I want to hear him but I don't, maybe I need a 2x4 upside the head, cause GOD I am not getting your message clearly.

I am on my knees, I don't feel like it can get any worse. Some of you may think that I am over-dramatizing it all but let me tell you, this pain isn't any kind of pain I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't see past the moment, tomorrow looks so bleak, I have GOT to get it together. I have kids here that need me, a hubby that needs me but I can't quit thinking about what I have lost and how long it may be before I "might" get it back.

I want to be positive, I want to keep reminding myself that this is just another obstacle that I will overcome, but I am tired. I am worn down. I have so far to go. Life sucks right now!!

I need sleep, I need a nerve pill, I need my son to want to know me.

Well it keeps getting worse!!!!

2007-10-23T23:52:00.001-04:00

M has made his Myspace private! I would like to say a public THANK YOU to my ex, thanks for a whole lot of NOTHING. What little I had has been taken from me in the blink of an eye all because that impatient bastard couldn't wait for M to make the first move. How dumb can one person be?? Better yet I think the word is SELFISH, he was only looking out for himself. He didn't care about M, Me, or our parented children. Now I have nothing! I know he is alive and that is all I know. I feel like I am right back where I was a year ago. I am so sorry that I shared anything with him, so sorry. Shame.On.Me. I hate that I seem to have to learn every lesson in my life the hard way. I hate him. I really do.

The World Feels Different Today

2007-10-22T20:58:00.000-04:00

I remember this feeling, it was 17 years ago this month that I felt exactly what I feel right now. I am having a hard time breathing, I can't seem to get anything into perspective and I feel like I will never be the same again. My world will never be the same again. At midnight last night I lost all the hope I had that I would reunite with my bson. My fantasy of him sitting around daydreaming of me was taken away from me by a very selfish man, my ex. I know this probably wasn't healthy but it has gotten me through the last 10 years and I am so mad that I have to face my reality before I am ready. But alas, I do and I will but it is killing me. He isn't sitting around fantasizing about me and my kids, he has the life that I wanted for him but I think someone forgot to tell him that I wanted to be included in that life. I didn't place him so that someone could raise him and then I could waltz in and reclaim him (someone said this to me today) but when I placed him I was promised that I would always be included, I didn't sign up for this. Initially I didn't think I could handle knowing how he was but anyone who "knows" me knows that didn't last long. I wanted to be there for him, and they took that away from me, after they closed the adoption completely I wanted to wait here for him, my ex took that away from me. I will still be here waiting, not sure if it will do me any good but I will be here, always. In the meantime, I have a family that needs a healthy wife and mom and I have to get myself together, how do I do that? How?

M has no desire for Reunion

2007-10-22T12:13:00.001-04:00

Yep, you read it right. The dumb ass ex emailed J (M's sister) and told her that we wanted to meet M. She told him that when she reunited with her birth family M told her that he didn't want to meet his. I am devestated. I wasn't ready for this, I needed more time to come to that point. Thanks to the ex though I didn't get that, with is head-strong attitude he had to go forward with trying to get things his way instead of allowing M to take the lead and now everyone will suffer for it. I am so lost, I know things may change as he gets older, but today it hurts. Today I feel like all hope is gone. I feel rejected and I can't even write, so you know where I am if you need me.

We love this time of year!!!!

2007-10-21T20:39:00.000-04:00

Fall is my favorite time of year! The leaves are changing, everything is so beautiful and it is cool, ok, normally it is cool. We have had a hard time getting our fall weather this year, we have had some pretty warm days compared to years past, but we are getting there. Tonight was one of those cool nights. My mom gave me my birthday present early, it is a gas fire pit. Are you excited? I was!! There is nothing better than sitting around a fire pit with the hubby and the kids and roasting marshmallows and that is exactly what we did tonight. Lil James decided he doesn't like the "black stuff" on his marshmallows so he sat around most of the night trying to "pick" it off...LOL. Fall means Halloween to my kids. They are anxiously awaiting for mom to take them costume shopping and I am procrastinating like nothing you have ever seen. Why you ask? Have you seen the prices of costumes? I am not Martha Stewart so there will be no sewing done here in the Sutton house, I will "suck"it up and go buy them sometime this week, Blah! I didn't mind it when they were younger as they continued to play dress-up with their costumes and I felt like it was money well invested, however, now that most of them are older it just seems crazy to spend that kind of money on a few hours. But I will. I will.

Hubby made a couple of coffins for the yard and decorated. He has done an awesome job of making sure every kid in the neighborhood is scared to death of coming to my house, haha! My oldest wants to sit in between the 2 coffins and pretend to be a fake person, jumping up when someone comes up to get candy. Tis the fun of Halloween for my kids, but I do worry about the "wee" ones and how I can get candy to them without scaring them to death. But really, it is all in fun.

ALERT!! ALERT!!! THIS IS A NASTY POST

2007-10-19T11:05:00.000-04:00

Stop reading here if you can't handle pure, raw emotions and lots of cussing.

I am so FUCKING pissed off right now I could kill my ex-husband..aka.. THE SPERM DONOR my son will call birthdad. He invited my bson's sister to be his friend on MYSPACE...WTF!! After 10 years of sitting at this computer searching day and night to find him, guess who is going to get contact first???? He doesn't deserve it, he hasn't done anything to try to find him. He didn't even fucking want to know whether he was a girl or boy and has lived in denial for 16 years, now because it is easy and the hard work is done he wants to waltz in and make everything right. WHO DOES HE FUCKING THINK HE IS, and don't tell me "he is the birth father" cause I know that and I don't fucking care. How many nights did he lose sleep on the computer, ZERO, I tell you ZERO!!!! He wasn't there to see him born, he never wanted to meet his parents, he didnt want anything until now, now that he is almost grown and I did the work of finding him, NOW, NOW he wants to be a part of his life.

WHY THIS FUCKING WEEK, the week is hard enough with his bday and all that comes with that, now I get to deal with more emotions as to why the ex thinks he can do the stupid shit he does. I hate him, I DO.

I DO have other children

2007-10-17T23:32:00.000-04:00

I find myself blogging so much about M and adoption that I forget that I have other children. Well I don't forget, I remember when they need money, I remember when they need clean clothes or a ride to a friends house but I forget to write more about them here. So I will include them tonight. Kaytlynn who is almost 13 plays Volleyball and I am her coach, she is awesome! She listens so well and really tries hard to do well and she has shown such improvement in the last year. WE had a game tonight, and won!! I try so hard not to emphasize winning and how to be good losers but darn it feels good to win! All of the girls were on their game tonight and it made me feel good.

Fred is almost 15 and has little time for us people he calls family, LOL. He is such a social bug, lots of friends and extremely concerned about being the best at everything he does and being healthy. He has a wonderful sense of humor and I am actually starting to like him again. You may say "how can you not like your kid" and I say "do you have a teenager?" LOL, I love him with every ounce of me, but liking him during the "teenage raging hormones" stage makes it hard some days. We are managing and he is becoming more pleasant daily. If you have older teenager and are wanting to tell me that he will grow 2 heads again at 16, save it, I like my fantasy world. HA! Fred plays baseball and plays very well I might add. He is a 2nd baseman, shortstop and a pitcher and again he works hard to excel at them all!! Mama thinks he is pretty awesome. This is actually off season for him right now so you can find him at the local gym working out to keep himself in shape!The picture above is him going to his first homecoming dance.

Quinton is 10. He will forever be 5 to me if he doesn't start growing soon! Honestly he is so little, weighs all of 53 lbs. He also plays baseball and infact plays the same positions as his big brother. He made the travel team this year and played well over 60 games and has decided it may be a few years before he does that again. It was an exhausting year for the little guy, but he did enjoy it while he did it. Quinton is very laid back, not to much bothers him and he lets most everything roll of his back. He makes friends so easily and has never been a shy kid. He has the sweetest personality and loves his little brother James, irritated by the older siblings and would probably rather sell them for more Wii games than call them siblings.

And then there was James. He is 6 yrs old and just started Kindergarten this year. I have never seen a kid love school as this one does. He REALLY loves it. He goes in the afternoon, has to be there at 12:40, by 9 am he is already asking if he can go to school. He is learning so much and I am so proud of him. They told us when he was born that he would not make it through the night, he fooled all of them. They then told us he would be severely delayed, again they were wrong. He is a VERY healthy kid, active, plays baseball as well as the other 2 and it learning just as quick as the other 3 did at this age. This is the last one and I have enjoyed each one of them with their similarities as well as their differences. I wouldn't change anyone of them even when I feel like I live in a zoo!!!

Mom loves you kids!!!!!

Happy Birthday M!!

2007-10-16T08:01:00.000-04:00

17 years ago today I gave birth to you. The emotions I had on that day are present in my thoughts today. I was scared to give birth to you, not because of the pain but because I knew you were going to leave the hospital without me and me without you. In the past 17 years many things have happened in my life as well as yours, some good, some not so good. I am at peace with my decision but that doesn't mean that some days I don't wish it could have been different. I should have been your mommy, the one to rock you in the night, the one to watch your first steps, dry your first tears, kiss your little fingers and toes but I wasn't. I wasn't there for all of that, but know that I dreamed of all those things, many nights crying myself to sleep. I don't know that you would need to hear of the regrets I have but I want you to really understand the love I have for you, I had many dreams of how I wanted your life to be. For the most part that is your reality now. From afar I can see that your life is full, for that I am happy. It is what I wanted for you. There are so many what if's in this life, I try not to dwell on them. Sometimes though I think , What if someone had told me that I would parent another child in 2 short years, What if someone would have known that you would lose your dad at such a young age, What if I would have tried it as a single mom if your First dad had decided to leave, oh the what if's. We can't live in hindsight though so we move on, move forward,continue to remind ourselves that the path of all of our lives would have been different and to wonder what it would have been like versus what it is would be wasted energy. I hope that we can reunite someday and share what life has bestowed upon us, good and bad.

For today though, I will praise God that you are alive and well. This time last year I still didn't know if you were alive, I had just as many emotions then as I do now. They were different though, worried whether you were ok, and if you were ok, if you were happy. I thought of what you might be doing for that magical 16th birthday. I wondered if you had a new car, a girlfriend, what kind of person you were turning out to be, all the questions I should have had answers to but didn't. Then I found you, well I didn't but a dear friend of mine helped to find you. I had my answers, you may think that I didn't have that right to search you out and look at your myspace but I needed something, anything. The hurt was so intense, the not knowing was more than I could stand, so I took the information given to me and set out to find you. I am happy with what I found, with the exception of your dad's passing. I am sure you miss him today as I miss you, know that I cared deeply for him and that I am truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are as scattered as this post, I feel so many things today but my deepest feelings come from the love I have for you, the love I will ALWAYS have for you. I miss you. Happy Birthday Son!

Losing my mind

2007-10-07T23:01:00.000-04:00

My ex is at it again. The man is insane! I have a tracker on my MySpace, tonight I saw that he had visited it so I went to visit his, what do you think I found????? Pictures of our bson that he downloaded from our bson's MySpace. I swear if he screws this all up before I get a chance to get it started I will kill him. I am not sure that statement is made with any humor at all, I am seriously pissed right now. Who does he think he is, does he really think he can waltz in and be daddy??? He can't even be the kind of dad his kids need right now let alone to the son he wanted to place for adoption. M has a dad, he died of a brain tumor a few years ago, and I think my ex has this grand idea that he might "need" him since his dad has died. I just want to scream "Educate yourself dumb ass" He has never read the first thing about adoptees, reunion, adoption. He has lived 17 years in denial and now all of a sudden he wants to be a dad to him. I want to put something on my MySpace that says "If anyone comes across my ex's MySpace, nothing he has done or said has any bearing on me and his opinions are his own along with his stupidity"

*SIGH* I have talked to him before, this is not the first time he has done something this stupid. How do I make him understand that he could jepordize the relationship before it ever happens?? I understand that this is hard for him too, I do. But how dare he after 17 years of not giving a shit think that he can just come in now, after all the hard work of finding him is done, and do whatever he wants to make contact. I.AM.SO.MAD.I.COULD.SPIT.

17 years ago today.......................

2007-10-03T10:06:00.000-04:00

This was my due date. It was a Tuesday and I was due to give birth, but apparently he wasn't ready to come into this world. To be completely honest, I wasn't ready for him to come either. Everyday that he stayed in my womb was one more day he was with me. I remember like it was yesterday, I was swollen, I was miserable, I wanted to "get it over" and at the same time I wanted him to stay forever. Everything was in place, he had a new home to go to when he got here, his parents had his room ready, but this wasn't the day he was going to make his grand entrance. I went to the doctor and he was breech, the doctor told me to go home and put a radio on my stomach closer to my pelvic area and that he would turn and I would go into labor soon. I did just that, he did turn but he still wasn't coming out of there. We continued on for 2 more weeks and then I was scheduled to be induced on October 16th, I knew that would be a day etched in mind forever and one of the saddest days of my life. I prayed the days would go slow, but they did not. It came so fast, everything was ready for him to be here, but I wasn't. I talked to him, I told him that I was sorry that when he got here he would have to leave me, I told him that I would always love him, and I do. I do.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2007-09-29T22:59:00.001-04:00

As we go into October, which is a very hard month for me, I hope we all remember that it is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. I have changed my blog PINK for the month in support of all those who have had to deal with the dreaded disease. A fellow First Mom and friend has just found out that her mom has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, please keep her in your prayers and feel free to hit me up if you have a prayer request as well.

Here are some great Breast Cancer Websites
http://cms.komen.org/komen/index.htm
Share your stories here:
http://pinkforoctober.org/share/

Educate yourself on this disease, support the mothers, sisters, friends, daughters that this disease affects every year. Also, keep in mind for every 100 women it affects it affects 1 man, we need to find a cure!

God Bless you all!!

When you want to be there, but can't!

2007-09-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

I have found out that M had an emergency appendectomy on Monday. Today I am having an emotional meltdown over it. I can't stop the tears, my chest feels tight and I am sick with worry. As most of you know I get what little info I have from his Myspace account, so most of the time I get no details. *sigh* I do not know if he is home, still in the hospital, did it rupture? did they get it in time before it caused major infection? SO many unanswered questions and 1 more reason I am pissed that we do not have open communication as agreed upon. I am not his everyday mom but let me tell you this mama is sick with worry and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am frustrated, I am sad, I am pissed off. For now, I will pray that God will heal him, that he will be ok. I know it is just his appendix and it could be much worse, but when you can't be there to comfort the child you love it is a huge deal. I hurt for him today. I love him with all I have.

Gosh...It has been awhile!!

2007-09-22T00:28:00.000-04:00

Anyone wonder where I have been?? LOL Never very far from my computer, but sometimes gosh darn it I just don't feel like writing. So much has been going on though since my last post! The kids have started school and everyone is doing great. James started kindergarten and I am now home alone for a whole 3 hours a day. I have waited for this moment for 14 years. I love my kids, and I am glad I have had the opportunity to be home but I have craved some "me" time for a couple of years. I have it now, and guess where you can still find me most days? You got it, right here!!

My old computer crashed, so I had to go buy a new one. Big purchases always hurt us over here in the land of one income, but neither I nor the kids could do without it. The 2 oldest kids use it alot for school and of course this is the only "entertainment" I get..ha!

Not much going on in the adoption world as of late. I guess there is always something to debate on the forums but sheesh, I get sick of trying to educate some days. When will people get it that it is simply about respect and that no 2 situations are ever gonna be the same?!

So, that is it for now, I will be back tomorrow night my "baby" freshman is going to the Homecoming dance, I will have pics and lots of whining about how he has grown up too fast!!

Safe Haven

2007-08-25T19:53:00.001-04:00

Well I know you will be shocked to hear that this is another topic that makes me want to beat my head against a wall!! First let me say that anyone of us that would judge another person, whether it be adoption related or not, is wrong. Who are we to say what, when, or how when the situation does not pertain to us and when we have not walked a mile......

I personally think that the Safe Haven laws are a good thing. Does it leave out the First Father? Yes, I guess it does. Do I believe that First Father's should have the same rights to their child as a First Mom does? I sure do! On the other hand, a first mom live 9 months of a pregnancy taking care of, making plans for, worrying about, the child that they are carrying. If the first father of an unborn child wants those same rights that she has he needs to take care of, make plans for, worry about the unborn child. Some may say "what if he isn't given the chance"? I say, that is an easy way out, he was strong enough to lay down and make a baby, he needs to be strong enough to step up to the plate, find out if the girl he slept with is pregnant (even if that includes some detective work). If he wants rights, he must do what is right!

As for the child, are they left without the possibility of knowing their first parents? Yes, I guess they are but the alternative of being left in a dumpster, canal, toilet, etc. gives them no chance at a life. So if we are talking about the best interest of the child, I think Life comes at the top of what would be best! No medical background, no knowledge of first parents, sucks, but the chance to be alive and functioning within a family that would love them and raise them as their own must count for something.

No Revoke Period~ What are your thoughts?

2007-08-11T22:51:00.000-04:00

I am frustrated to say the least. I have been reading the forums and come across a thread about first parents changing their minds ONE day after signing the papers to place their child and whether or not an adoptive parent would give the child back or not. Thus far a couple of adoptive mom's have said NO WAY! I am so torn on how I feel about that, since I don't feel like I can be honest about my feelings there without causing a war, I will do it here on MY blog, If I offend you, Sorry, but this is where I try to make sense of my feelings and get it out!

I can understand that "instant" love that aparents speak of with the child that still isn't theirs until TPR, I felt that same love with my child without ever having seen him, even before I could feel him in there. So I can imagine it would be hard to believe that the child you thought was going to be yours ends up not being yours. I can also understand that there are laws to protect both first parent and adoptive parents, but I don't think I could live with myself if I was holding onto a child that a first parent really wanted to keep. Now I do not believe that months later a first parent can change their minds and get their placed children back, But I DO believe there needs to be longer revocation periods, or maybe what I REALLY feel is that more expectant parents need to be counseled on their rights, one of which I didn't know, and that was that I didn't have to sign the papers at 48 hours. I could have waited for a whole week, a month, however long I would have needed to make that life altering decision, but I was not informed of that. 48 hours to the hour after my son was born I was brought the papers in my hospital room to sign, never once was I asked if I was ready to sign.

I am rambling, still trying to make sense of all of the feelings I am having. I will revisit this topic in the coming days.

Processing My Emotions..........

2007-08-04T23:14:00.000-04:00

I was looking at my bson's sister's Facebook account tonight and happened across a post from her to her cousin and she mentioned going to meet her bfamily (her words) in Tennessee! The wave of emotions that came over me are hard to explain. I felt excited, I felt scared, I felt disappointed, just to name a few. How does her meeting with her bfamily impact me you ask? Well, let's begin with the fact that I am excited to find out that she is going to meet them, that she has a desire to meet them and that they are also apparently open to the meeting. That says alot to me, I know that it does not necessarily mean that my bson will want the same from me but one can hope. I am scared that if things do not work out for her and her bfamily then how will that impact his desire to search and reunite with me? I am disappointed that we even have to have a "reunion", that what we had was taken away from us 10 years ago and that now I sit here with so many emotions that I can hardly process it all. I wonder how her mom is feeling about this? I wonder what impact it is having on my bson right now? Is he wishing he could know me? Is he thinking about me at all? So many questions, so few answers!!!

We Went, We Saw, We HATED Chicago

2007-07-30T13:55:00.000-04:00

We are back! I wouldn't live in Chicago for all the money in the world! Now, I am not saying that the people there were not friendly, they were. But the TRAFFIC, OMG, It was awful! I have never seen so many people speed, weave in and out of traffic, and fight to be first at the toll as I did this weekend. The streets are funky and I got lost more times than I care to share with you all! I should mention that the person reserving our rooms for the team managed to find the furthest hotel from the baseball field, so I am sure that the fact we had to drive clear across the freaking world to get there played a part in the "getting lost" and "hating the way people drive" feeling from me. The boys had a great time! They won the first game, lost the next 2 and that sent us home and praise Jesus it did. I could not have spent another night there. We didn't see much more than a few stores, restaraunts and the inside of our hotel room. We swam, sat in the hot tub, ate some pretty good food and watched the boys run through the halls annoying other guests.

While on my trip (remember my mom went with us) I learned a few things;
1. Apparently I can not drive at 37 (this said because my mother was constantly reminding me of my speed, to watch out!, and be careful!)
2. She knows more than I and isn't afraid to tell me despite embarassing me in front of 13 other couples.
3. Kids do not care if you are sitting in the hot tub trying to relax, they will still enjoy throwing cold water from the pool in on you and try to get the funniest reaction possible.
4. That it is possible to put 13 boys together and have a good time even when you lose your games!

I am so glad Q had the opportunity to travel with this team, we have a great group of boys who played well in the games and were good losers! Baseball is over now until the end of August when we start Fall Baseball, we will gain some new kids, lose a few, but for now I am just gonna sit back and enjoy the next 4 weeks!!

You GAVE me a title and NOW you tell me how I FEEL???

2007-07-26T22:05:00.000-04:00

I am on a rampage this week, ignorance is following me and I am not sure why? Not only have I been told what title I hold and what I should be called in reference to my fisrt born son, but now I am being told that there is NO way that I should feel as I do, NO way that I could have possibly been made to feel like I had to place. Um, Excuse me, were you there? Have you been there? NO! I was not FORCED to place my child in the way that you force something, no one took my hand and signed the papers, BUT, Society told me along with the agency that my child needed a 2 parent home, with financially stable parents and what a great person I was to think of him first and do what was best for him. I was best for him, I just didn't know it, know why I didn't know it, I had no one telling me so. YOu have heard me preach it a million times over, ONE PERSON, JUST ONE, to have told me that I could have done it, but they didn't, they encouraged me, not MADE me but encouraged me and they used wonderful words like, Gift, happy, healthy, loving families, better life,etc. So for those that say "No one can make you do something you don't want to do" I say think again and look around ya, it happens EVERYDAY!

Chicago~Here we come!

2007-07-26T14:33:00.001-04:00

We are leaving in the morning to go to Chicago! Q has a baseball tournament, we will return on Sunday if he loses and if he wins we will stay and play in the Championship game on Monday, I am Excited! I am excited because it is "family time" we will also be doing other things besides baseball and I am always happy to show the kids new places. As a child my mom took us to The Sears Tower, we shopped, we loved Chicago! I will be able to share that not only with my children and hubby this weekend, but Mom will be joining us as well, FUN! Sooooo, this brings me to my favorite subject.....ADOPTION. My son will not share this weekend with me, I will not be able to say "we went to Chicago and had a great time" with him, I have never seen him play baseball (though I do have an awesome picture of him in his uniform) . I am saddened by this realization, it is just another "family" activity where I feel a part of my "family" is missing, I always have and I always will miss him more during these special moments. My thoughts during this weekend as I watch my children in the excitement of Chicago, will wander back to "what he is doing" "Where he is for the weekend" I love him and I miss him, OH I LOVE HIM!

First mom, Natural mom, Birth mom, Real mom, Biological mom, what do you want to be?

2007-07-26T00:20:00.000-04:00

Titles! It seems that no matter what you call yourself in this world of adoption someone is pissy about it. There is much controversy right now about the term First mom. I prefer it, haven't always but I do now, why you ask? I was labeled a birthmom when I placed my son for adoption, a label I didn't ask for, a label I was given. Yes I gave birth to him, but before I gave birth I made decisions based on what was in the best interest of him, making sure that I stayed healthy, so he stayed healthy, making sure that when he made his arrival into this big world he would have every opportunity to be the best that he could be, even if that meant it wasn't with me. I made the FIRST parental decision for him and that was to find a family to raise him,love him and provide for him, I was told my love wasn't going to be enough. So I did what any caring mother would do for her child, I made a plan, a plan for him to be adopted by people who could do what I was told I couldn't. I was the FIRST to see him, I was the FIRST to love him, I was the FIRST to touch him, I was the FIRST to make a decision concerning him, does any of this mean that his mom is unimportant or 2nd best? Never! She has her own set of firsts with him, and I completely respect that, when I speak of her it is never with a qualifier, she is his MOM. It honestly saddens me that I need a qualifier of First mom, as I am his mom as well, but to make things simpler I do.

Birth mom doesn't work for me anymore and it never will again, No one can make me feel like the only thing I did for my child was give him life, I provided him with life and gave him the opportunity to have a life. I was the FIRST to make that happen.

To the adoptive parents out there that I have offended by this post, reach a little deeper within yourselves and find some security in your ability to be a parent, a mom, a dad to your child. What I want to call myself should have no affect on you if you are secure in your role as a parent. I do not wish to be called First mom because I think your second, or that I am better than you. It is because I was not an incubator, I did what I felt I had to do at that time out of PURE LOVE for my unborn child, my child for 9 months, I was his First Mom and I will always be his FIRST MOM, not his only, not his last, but his FIRST!!!!

Lesson's Learned

2007-07-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

This is a song by Carrie Underwood, for me, the words hit home.

"There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get threw the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past.
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons leanred.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get through the night,
From Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

I can't change the past, I can only move forward and learn from the mistakes I have made. I have. It is hard to come to terms with some of the things I have done, but I have. Each and every "mistake" I have made, I have learned something from, each and every situation has molded me into who I am. Are there still things I am working on, sure, but I know that God has led me down this path for a reason and I know that he will carry me when I am not strong enough to do it on my own, I know it because he told me so.

Missing dad!

2007-07-16T01:43:00.001-04:00

It has been 7 years today since my dad passed away. I miss him! We had a rough relationship, many years of anger and resentment coming from both sides. But 2 short years before he passed away, we made amends. I truly attribute the mending of our relationship to God. I believe he knew that I could not go on in this world after my dad passed away if things had not been "right" between us. I forgave him for his shortcomings and he forgave me for mine, I am thankful and I am blessed to have had the last 2 years of his life with him. My biggest regret in it all is that my children really never knew grandpa, and grandpa really never got to be the grandpa to them that he wanted to be. I do tell them stories about him from my younger days, I tell them that even though he didn't live long enough to make many memories, I know he loved them and is looking down on them with a smile.

My brother got married last Saturday for the first time, it was bittersweet, but Dad was missing from it. It was never discussed, but I know that my brother was thinking of him too. My dad wasn't invited to my wedding, at the time he was being hard-headed (hmm..wonder where I get it?) Funny how it wasn't until my brother's wedding that it hit me how stupid we were, how much we missed out on, how short life can be. He is gone now, and nothing I can do will bring him back, or change the past. What I can do is learn from our mistakes,I will do everything humanly possible to keep my relationship with my children the way God intended for it to be. I will keep the doors of communication open, I will cherish them, I will make memories and I will always be there!

Dad, I love you and I miss you!

Are First Mom's Really "Made" to place?

2007-07-13T22:56:00.000-04:00

In light of a recent conversation on the forums I belong to, I have been thinking of this all day. I was not forced, per say, to place my son. However, looking back on the events that led me to place, I believe that society made me feel pressured to place. I was not married, I did not have a job, I was young, I was led to believe that money was what it took to be a good mom and to raise a happy child. How wrong those thoughts are! I know love doesn't put food on the table, but there are ways to make sure they are fed, clothed and a roof over there heads. There are services out there for single mom's to make it. You don't have to be wealthy to parent your child, they don't have to have the best of the best. Now I am not saying that we don't obviously want the best of the best for our children, we want (or should want) to be able to provide for our children without the services of the government, but to know that it is temporary help and that most times it is that "extra help" that can really get us on our feet and on our way to parenting our children the way we are conditioned by society to do.

The second issue of the conversation is that "we" as First Parents are blaming our parents, others, for having to place our children. I don't blame anyone except the agencies that these young women go to and are not given adequate info to make an informed choice. I have blogged about this, I have beaten my head against a wall a million times over about this. If agencies were made to tell these girls that X and Y are available to you, that most times financial issues are temporary, that even young girls can make good mom's, that you will grieve, not for a year but possibly for the rest of your life over what you will miss, I believe that we may have less women coming back years after placement regretting what they didn't know, what they weren't informed of.

I made a "choice" I made a "decision" I did it all by myself, I could have made another choice, another decision, but when I went to the only place I knew to get help, I was told "You should consider adoption, it is a wonderful option for you" "He will grow up in a nice home, with a nice family, with everything he needs" "It is nearly impossible for a single young girl to parent a child, unless you put him in daycare and let them raise him".......BLAME? I blame them, the agency for making my choice for me, they painted it rosey, they made me believe I couldn't do it, and made me believe he would have a better life with out me........BULLSHIT!

Want a baby.....apparently 18,000.00 might get you one!

2007-07-04T00:24:00.000-04:00

I am so pissed off right now I could spit!! It seems that there is a "person", I will not call her a woman as she isn't fit to be anything in society if you ask me, that claims she wants to adopt, yet the agency she gave her money to is lying and keeping her from it. So tonight I come across a post from her stating that she has offered her best friends cousin $18,000.00 to adopt her baby and she will graciously pay all legal fees on top of that.

WTF! She goes on to say she doesn't know the sex of the baby, but who cares, and maybe the money would sound good to this expecting mom.

OMG, I can not even put into words what I am thinking about this......I mean, baby buying??? That goes against everything we have worked so hard to dispel in the myths of adoption. She has degraded all 3 sides of the triad. Children are not to be bought and sold, they aren't possesions at a garage sale. What would this child grow up and think if he/she found out that there was a price tag hanging from their toe?

I am sick, disgusted and appalled!

More Adoption talk

2007-07-02T01:01:00.000-04:00

OK, So I love reading other opinions on adoption and reform. While reading B's blog, I came across this http://www.quietlymothering.com/?cat=28 . This is something I have thought about for many years. She is talking about "parental notification" when a child is considering placement of a child. I think this would be a step in the right direction toward more ethical adoptions.

That brings me to my own situation. I was 19 (an adult, by state law, yet still a scared kid in my heart), facing an unplanned pregnancy, a boyfriend who didn't know his head from a hole in the wall and no family close by. Once the boyfriend and I decided that adoption was something to consider, I called the agency, went alone and discussed it with them. I told them that we had told no one and that b/f never wanted to tell his parents or anyone for that matter. I was afraid to tell my mom for fear that she would want to help me raise him and I wanted a better life for him than one where my mom and I would be arguing over what was best for him and her trying to be mom, etc...I was so confused and really looking back now, I was to overwhelmed to make any life altering decisions at that time. But as I continued to talk to the agency they convinced me that I was doing what was in his best interest and that he deserved the best chance at life that I could give him and adoption was a great option.

Years later it occurred to me that had I gone to my mom, or any family member (or hell, even a friend) I may not be his First Mom and would be his "mommy", but no one encouraged me to tell my family, it was my choice and I was an adult. What they failed to tell me is that without the support of others I didn't make an informed choice rather a hasty decision out of sheer fear and love for my unborn child.

I guess it is a fine line in the world of a 19 year old adult, I am not saying by any means that a woman should need parental permission and no one should be forced to tell anyone that they don't want to tell, but everyone has a right to know there are people out there that may be willing to help and that the fear of the unknown can cause us all to do things we may regret.

So if by chance you are reading this blog and experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, don't hang your head in shame, find some support and make an informed decision, decide if with a little help (sometimes very temporary help) you could and want to raise your child.

Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

2007-06-30T00:41:00.000-04:00

My ex-husband is the most insensitive ass I think I know. Now, for those of you who don't really know the situation, he is the father of my bson and 3 of my children that I parent. He is currently remarried and has a son who is almost 2. I am often angry at him but for some reason today has me really pissed off! Probably because his stupidity today happens all to often, hence the reason he is an ex.

Quinton plays travel baseball, he tried out, made the team, and absolutely loves the sport of baseball. His world revolves around it, that is how much it means to him, in turn that means our world revolves around it, kinda. However, Daddy wonderful, thinks that it is only important to come when it is convenient to him. To help you understand how unreliable he is, every time the phone rings and it is him Q says "Wonder what his excuse is today?"

So, today the phone rings, it is his weekend to have the kids but because he couldn't manage to be able to get Quinton to his game on Saturday , I switched weekends and have this this weekend. He asks to speak to Q and I give him the phone, I hear "ya", "Uh huh", "why" "ok" "bye" "love you" After he hangs up I ask, whats up. He says well dad won't be at this game he has to take some needy people to the food pantry at the church.

So, to say I am pissed is an understatement! When is this man going to grow up and be the dad these kids need him to be? When are they going to come first? What makes him think that paying child support and coming to an occasional activity makes him super daddy? When is he going to realize that it takes more than being "fun time" daddy to earn their respect?

No Guarantee's

2007-06-28T00:33:00.000-04:00

In this last week I have come to realize that there are no guarantee's in this life. Now you may say "Michelle, you are 36 years old and you are just realizing that?" The truth is, I have always "known" it but it kinda kicked me in the ass when a fellow first mom friend found out some things about her daughter and her daughter's adoptive parents. You see, I also had this revelation last year when, after 10 years, I finally found my son and his adoptive parents. How excited I was to find him, yet so sad to find out things weren't as I had hoped and planned for, for him. His adoptive dad passed away in 2003 from a brain tumor and from what I have read via his myspace he and his mom have a shitty relationship. This was a shocker to me, as I also lost my dad in 2000 of a brain tumor. At 36 it was hard for me to handle, I cant imagine at 13 what it did to him, and it breaks my heart to think of it. I placed for 2 reason's and 2 reason's only. 1. Because I wanted my son to be raised in a 2 parent home and 2. Because I didn't have the financial means to raise him alone. 16 years later I can now tell you that those are NOT good enough reasons to place a child. First, he is now without a father figure, in what I feel is the most crucial time to need a dad, he has no relationship with his mom. She is 61 years old, has a new boyfriend and apparently a social life more like a teenager and from what I have seen and read, has no idea what her son is doing ie...having sex with the g/f of3 years, possibly smoking weed and claims to be an atheist which KILLS me. That was something that I talked about deeply with his parents before choosing them, I explained how important I thought it was for my child to have God in his life, they assured me they would raise him in church, it appears that this didn't happen ( I could be wrong and maybe he is now mad at God over the death of his dad, but it hurts to think that she didn't help him keep his faith if in fact he was raised in the church).
His First Father and I went on to marry and have 3 other children, we could have parented him with some direction from someone.

Financially, what a joke that is. It wasn't until I had my 2nd child that I realized that babies don't require a whole lot and there are so many programs out there to help with the things they do require. They don't have to be dressed from "The Gap" and they don't need toys for a while to come, but within a year and half, I could have provided all of those things for him. Not one person ever said " This could be temporary" "Let me help you find the resources to parent" or even "go search here, before making a life altering decision" Instead all I heard was " You are so good to think of the well being of your child" "He will grow up happy and loved", UM, excuse me, he would have been happy and loved with me as well.

So, Nope there are no guarantee's in this life. Life happens, things change, circumstances change and we need to be telling expectant mom's this before we ever even discuss adoption with them.

I love this kid!

2007-06-27T01:03:00.001-04:00

This is my last "baby". He will be starting kindergarten this year and he cracks me up! He is the sweetest, funniest kid. Today though, he gave me one of those "proud" mom moments, you know them, the ones that make you want crawl under a table and never come out. Well I guess it wasn't quite that bad since no one but me heard him, however as he said it I instantly thought "Ogmygosh, what if he would have been in school".

So he comes into my room and says "Mom, Quinton just kicked that ball at me and hit me in the nut"
I say" In the what?"
"The nut" he says, I explain to him, of course while trying not to die, that we do not call them nuts, they are private parts. He says" yea that".

Off to try and find Fred , cause I am sure that is where he learned "NUTS" Little do they know, they drive me NUTS...LOL

2007-06-24T22:46:00.000-04:00

I have to share this picture of James from vacation Bible School~ He looks like Gilligan.HA!

It is small, cause I am still learning how to do this crap! Hang with me, I will eventually get it.

Baseball!

2007-06-24T21:53:00.000-04:00

Tonight was Qman's first playoff game and they lost. We have had such poor coaching this year and it is very frustrating for the kids. We had a coach who favored his kid, thought he was an All Star player and in the end it caused them to lose the playoff game. Now, before you tell me that one kid can not lose the game for an entire team, I know that. I teach my children that it takes a team to win and a team to lose, but honestly the coaches poor decision making caused them to lose the game. His kid is NOT a pitcher, however he continues to allow him to try. I think every child should have the opportunity to do what he wants to do, but I also think it is up to us as parents to see our children's abilities and inabilities and encourage their strengths and help them to be the best they can be at it. To continue to make them to do something they aren't good at only encourages low self esteem. As I continue to think about it as the evening has passed, he still could have pitched without the feeling that he "lost" the game for them, but his dad wanted to try and make him the hero that closed out the game with a win, instead his son allowed so many walks that we ended up losing and he was down on himself for it. *sigh* I am rambling on about a kids baseball game but it just frustrates me when parents live vicariously through their children instead of allowing their children to enjoy being a kid and being what they want to be.

Here I am

2007-06-24T00:16:00.001-04:00

Well, here I am. I will make an attempt to get with the blogging world. I hope not to bore you to much. I will talk about many things, adoption, my children, my husband and if you know me, lots of baseball. I have 4 children that I parent and 1 that I placed in a semi-open adoption. 3 of the 4 play baseball and it consumes our life most of the time, so lots to talk about there. My birthson was born in October of 1990 and placed with his parents 2 days later. I will share that story at some point and discuss often the battles I face with being a birthmom. Glad your here!