Finding Peace

Things happen in our lives that sometimes require us to find peace. For me that comes in the form of adoption, particularly the placement of my first son. I thought I had found it, then this past month I realized I hadn't. I am not at peace with it, I regret it, I hate it, not because I regret the parents I chose for him but because I wasn't in a place to parent him. I am not going to talk about my regrets though, if you know me you know my thoughts on that. I want to talk about peace.

To me, peace is accepting what happened, accepting that I can not change the situation, accepting that God has a hand in it all and a plan yet to come. I am not there, I am not at peace. I want to be, I really do, but things aren't where I need them to be to allow my heart a chance to heal. Promises were broken, trust was shattered, friendships were dissolved, anger and hurt are still prevelant, I need to let it go. I can't. I fear becoming bitter and my heart becoming hard, I fear the walls that have been up for years may never come down. Until I can get rid of this anger and hurt I will not find peace in anything that pertains to my adoption journey. I fear that if I continue on the path that I am on I will only suffer more. M will find a First Mom that is bitter and I have spent to many years on trying not to be. This last month and all that has transpired has taken it's toll on me, but it won't win. I will overcome it, I have to.

*sigh* They say we should "Suck it Up"

I should preface this with "most" of the time people are very supportive of my feelings and emotions surrounding the placement of my First Son. Then sometimes I come across a few that think I need to "suck it up" and deal with it. You see, it was my decision, I had a choice, If I couldn't or wouldn't parent my child then I should just be thankful that someone did.

Well let me tell you this, BALONEY! Choice, what a funny word. Yes I had a choice, in fact I had 3. I could parent, I could place, I could abort. Abortion was out of the question, my heart doesn't allow it, my religion is against it and so that eliminates that choice for me. Parenting was an option, yet one that when I sought out help in my crisis pregnancy, no one encouraged me to do. I was told that my baby deserved the best possible life he could have and since I was single and didn't have tons of money adoption was a wonderful option. Wonderful option for who? For me, I live with the regret of placing him and a year and a half later being in a completly different place in my life and able to be a great parent to him. For him? Maybe, who really knows, he has a good life but who is to say his life wouldn't have been just as wonderful with me and his siblings?

My decision, well last I checked I am not the Virgin Mary and there was no immaculate conception. So that would mean there was another party involved in this decision, the First Father. Some may say "Well if he didn't want to parent, you still could have" and that seems like a simple solution. But again, I heard the voices of the agency workers saying "your child deserves the best", "your child deserves 2 parents that are married and stable", so while it was my decision, I felt like I had no right to make any other decision than the one I made.

As for being "Thankful" for the people who did raise my child when I chose not to or could not? I am thankful that my son was able to be placed into a loving home and to grow up into the man he is becoming. Thankful can go 2 ways here, I could say "The a-parents should be thankful I was able to place my child with them, they may not be parents without me" I would have been far more thankful had someone told me there were resources to help me parent my child for that year and a half I struggled, or if one person had encouraged me to try to parent when I was sobbing and telling them if I held my son I would never be able to let him go, but they didn't. SO tell me, why should I be thankful that my son isn't here with his me and his bio siblings today??


So, you see "suck it up" and deal with it, I have. 17 LONG years of sucking it up and dealing with it and for those of you that can't muster up a bit of compassion for those who felt like they did the best they could and have some hard days emotionally I say , Shame on you!

10 years of Patience, Do I have any left???

So, I sent the letter to D, kept it short and sweet and sent via email. Today is Saturday and that was Tuesday and I haven't heard a word. Not.A.Word. Not a, "Sorry, I am busy will write soon", not a "Sorry, M doesn't want me to talk to you", just nothing. It brings back 10 years ago when I was waiting for a return letter from her and never received one. This time though, I have more info. I know they are ok, I know that there is a possibility that M doesn't want anything to do with me at this time, what I don't know is why it is so hard to drop a quick email to let me know something. I feel the same way about 10 yrs ago, why was it so hard then to drop a letter in the mail explaining that life was hard and when things calmed down she would reconnect. It sucks to be left hanging, it really does. I feel hopeful that she will write but my patience is gone, just gone!

It's My Birthday!

Today is my birthday and I am so glad it is almost over. Not because it is a bad thing, age doesn't affect me much, but because this means that the end of October is very near. I hate this month, I do. I am doing better, I am realizing that I can not change the things that my ex has done, I can not make Mark want to meet me, I can not undo the past. What I can do? Be the best mom and wife to my family right here, be healthy emotionally and physically in case Mark ever wants to meet me, Love them all with everything I have. I am not spending any more negative energy on trying to make things be the way I want them to be. It is what it is and I can't do a darn thing about it.

All that said, we went to a Halloween party with my youngest boys tonight (the older 2 had a teen party to go to). We had fun and it felt good to focus my thoughts and time on them. Life is looking up, keep praying for me. Thanks!

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing in around you? Have you ever felt the weight of an elephant on your chest? Have you ever felt like everything was against you? This is no pity party, DO NOT pity me, pray for me. I can not get through this alone without God, I can't and I won't even pretend that I can. I need him more now than ever and I know he has been by my side through it all, but the pain is so intense right now. Every time I sit down at this computer I get more bad news, what is he trying to convey to me? I want to hear him but I don't, maybe I need a 2x4 upside the head, cause GOD I am not getting your message clearly.

I am on my knees, I don't feel like it can get any worse. Some of you may think that I am over-dramatizing it all but let me tell you, this pain isn't any kind of pain I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't see past the moment, tomorrow looks so bleak, I have GOT to get it together. I have kids here that need me, a hubby that needs me but I can't quit thinking about what I have lost and how long it may be before I "might" get it back.

I want to be positive, I want to keep reminding myself that this is just another obstacle that I will overcome, but I am tired. I am worn down. I have so far to go. Life sucks right now!!

I need sleep, I need a nerve pill, I need my son to want to know me.

Well it keeps getting worse!!!!

M has made his Myspace private! I would like to say a public THANK YOU to my ex, thanks for a whole lot of NOTHING. What little I had has been taken from me in the blink of an eye all because that impatient bastard couldn't wait for M to make the first move. How dumb can one person be?? Better yet I think the word is SELFISH, he was only looking out for himself. He didn't care about M, Me, or our parented children. Now I have nothing! I know he is alive and that is all I know. I feel like I am right back where I was a year ago. I am so sorry that I shared anything with him, so sorry. Shame.On.Me. I hate that I seem to have to learn every lesson in my life the hard way. I hate him. I really do.

The World Feels Different Today

I remember this feeling, it was 17 years ago this month that I felt exactly what I feel right now. I am having a hard time breathing, I can't seem to get anything into perspective and I feel like I will never be the same again. My world will never be the same again. At midnight last night I lost all the hope I had that I would reunite with my bson. My fantasy of him sitting around daydreaming of me was taken away from me by a very selfish man, my ex. I know this probably wasn't healthy but it has gotten me through the last 10 years and I am so mad that I have to face my reality before I am ready. But alas, I do and I will but it is killing me. He isn't sitting around fantasizing about me and my kids, he has the life that I wanted for him but I think someone forgot to tell him that I wanted to be included in that life. I didn't place him so that someone could raise him and then I could waltz in and reclaim him (someone said this to me today) but when I placed him I was promised that I would always be included, I didn't sign up for this. Initially I didn't think I could handle knowing how he was but anyone who "knows" me knows that didn't last long. I wanted to be there for him, and they took that away from me, after they closed the adoption completely I wanted to wait here for him, my ex took that away from me. I will still be here waiting, not sure if it will do me any good but I will be here, always. In the meantime, I have a family that needs a healthy wife and mom and I have to get myself together, how do I do that? How?