Processing My Emotions..........

I was looking at my bson's sister's Facebook account tonight and happened across a post from her to her cousin and she mentioned going to meet her bfamily (her words) in Tennessee! The wave of emotions that came over me are hard to explain. I felt excited, I felt scared, I felt disappointed, just to name a few. How does her meeting with her bfamily impact me you ask? Well, let's begin with the fact that I am excited to find out that she is going to meet them, that she has a desire to meet them and that they are also apparently open to the meeting. That says alot to me, I know that it does not necessarily mean that my bson will want the same from me but one can hope. I am scared that if things do not work out for her and her bfamily then how will that impact his desire to search and reunite with me? I am disappointed that we even have to have a "reunion", that what we had was taken away from us 10 years ago and that now I sit here with so many emotions that I can hardly process it all. I wonder how her mom is feeling about this? I wonder what impact it is having on my bson right now? Is he wishing he could know me? Is he thinking about me at all? So many questions, so few answers!!!

Are First Mom's Really "Made" to place?

In light of a recent conversation on the forums I belong to, I have been thinking of this all day. I was not forced, per say, to place my son. However, looking back on the events that led me to place, I believe that society made me feel pressured to place. I was not married, I did not have a job, I was young, I was led to believe that money was what it took to be a good mom and to raise a happy child. How wrong those thoughts are! I know love doesn't put food on the table, but there are ways to make sure they are fed, clothed and a roof over there heads. There are services out there for single mom's to make it. You don't have to be wealthy to parent your child, they don't have to have the best of the best. Now I am not saying that we don't obviously want the best of the best for our children, we want (or should want) to be able to provide for our children without the services of the government, but to know that it is temporary help and that most times it is that "extra help" that can really get us on our feet and on our way to parenting our children the way we are conditioned by society to do.

The second issue of the conversation is that "we" as First Parents are blaming our parents, others, for having to place our children. I don't blame anyone except the agencies that these young women go to and are not given adequate info to make an informed choice. I have blogged about this, I have beaten my head against a wall a million times over about this. If agencies were made to tell these girls that X and Y are available to you, that most times financial issues are temporary, that even young girls can make good mom's, that you will grieve, not for a year but possibly for the rest of your life over what you will miss, I believe that we may have less women coming back years after placement regretting what they didn't know, what they weren't informed of.

I made a "choice" I made a "decision" I did it all by myself, I could have made another choice, another decision, but when I went to the only place I knew to get help, I was told "You should consider adoption, it is a wonderful option for you" "He will grow up in a nice home, with a nice family, with everything he needs" "It is nearly impossible for a single young girl to parent a child, unless you put him in daycare and let them raise him".......BLAME? I blame them, the agency for making my choice for me, they painted it rosey, they made me believe I couldn't do it, and made me believe he would have a better life with out me........BULLSHIT!

No Guarantee's

In this last week I have come to realize that there are no guarantee's in this life. Now you may say "Michelle, you are 36 years old and you are just realizing that?" The truth is, I have always "known" it but it kinda kicked me in the ass when a fellow first mom friend found out some things about her daughter and her daughter's adoptive parents. You see, I also had this revelation last year when, after 10 years, I finally found my son and his adoptive parents. How excited I was to find him, yet so sad to find out things weren't as I had hoped and planned for, for him. His adoptive dad passed away in 2003 from a brain tumor and from what I have read via his myspace he and his mom have a shitty relationship. This was a shocker to me, as I also lost my dad in 2000 of a brain tumor. At 36 it was hard for me to handle, I cant imagine at 13 what it did to him, and it breaks my heart to think of it. I placed for 2 reason's and 2 reason's only. 1. Because I wanted my son to be raised in a 2 parent home and 2. Because I didn't have the financial means to raise him alone. 16 years later I can now tell you that those are NOT good enough reasons to place a child. First, he is now without a father figure, in what I feel is the most crucial time to need a dad, he has no relationship with his mom. She is 61 years old, has a new boyfriend and apparently a social life more like a teenager and from what I have seen and read, has no idea what her son is doing ie...having sex with the g/f of3 years, possibly smoking weed and claims to be an atheist which KILLS me. That was something that I talked about deeply with his parents before choosing them, I explained how important I thought it was for my child to have God in his life, they assured me they would raise him in church, it appears that this didn't happen ( I could be wrong and maybe he is now mad at God over the death of his dad, but it hurts to think that she didn't help him keep his faith if in fact he was raised in the church).
His First Father and I went on to marry and have 3 other children, we could have parented him with some direction from someone.

Financially, what a joke that is. It wasn't until I had my 2nd child that I realized that babies don't require a whole lot and there are so many programs out there to help with the things they do require. They don't have to be dressed from "The Gap" and they don't need toys for a while to come, but within a year and half, I could have provided all of those things for him. Not one person ever said " This could be temporary" "Let me help you find the resources to parent" or even "go search here, before making a life altering decision" Instead all I heard was " You are so good to think of the well being of your child" "He will grow up happy and loved", UM, excuse me, he would have been happy and loved with me as well.

So, Nope there are no guarantee's in this life. Life happens, things change, circumstances change and we need to be telling expectant mom's this before we ever even discuss adoption with them.