I DO have other children

I find myself blogging so much about M and adoption that I forget that I have other children. Well I don't forget, I remember when they need money, I remember when they need clean clothes or a ride to a friends house but I forget to write more about them here. So I will include them tonight. Kaytlynn who is almost 13 plays Volleyball and I am her coach, she is awesome! She listens so well and really tries hard to do well and she has shown such improvement in the last year. WE had a game tonight, and won!! I try so hard not to emphasize winning and how to be good losers but darn it feels good to win! All of the girls were on their game tonight and it made me feel good.

Fred is almost 15 and has little time for us people he calls family, LOL. He is such a social bug, lots of friends and extremely concerned about being the best at everything he does and being healthy. He has a wonderful sense of humor and I am actually starting to like him again. You may say "how can you not like your kid" and I say "do you have a teenager?" LOL, I love him with every ounce of me, but liking him during the "teenage raging hormones" stage makes it hard some days. We are managing and he is becoming more pleasant daily. If you have older teenager and are wanting to tell me that he will grow 2 heads again at 16, save it, I like my fantasy world. HA! Fred plays baseball and plays very well I might add. He is a 2nd baseman, shortstop and a pitcher and again he works hard to excel at them all!! Mama thinks he is pretty awesome. This is actually off season for him right now so you can find him at the local gym working out to keep himself in shape!The picture above is him going to his first homecoming dance.

Quinton is 10. He will forever be 5 to me if he doesn't start growing soon! Honestly he is so little, weighs all of 53 lbs. He also plays baseball and infact plays the same positions as his big brother. He made the travel team this year and played well over 60 games and has decided it may be a few years before he does that again. It was an exhausting year for the little guy, but he did enjoy it while he did it. Quinton is very laid back, not to much bothers him and he lets most everything roll of his back. He makes friends so easily and has never been a shy kid. He has the sweetest personality and loves his little brother James, irritated by the older siblings and would probably rather sell them for more Wii games than call them siblings.


And then there was James. He is 6 yrs old and just started Kindergarten this year. I have never seen a kid love school as this one does. He REALLY loves it. He goes in the afternoon, has to be there at 12:40, by 9 am he is already asking if he can go to school. He is learning so much and I am so proud of him. They told us when he was born that he would not make it through the night, he fooled all of them. They then told us he would be severely delayed, again they were wrong. He is a VERY healthy kid, active, plays baseball as well as the other 2 and it learning just as quick as the other 3 did at this age. This is the last one and I have enjoyed each one of them with their similarities as well as their differences. I wouldn't change anyone of them even when I feel like I live in a zoo!!!

Mom loves you kids!!!!!

Happy Birthday M!!

17 years ago today I gave birth to you. The emotions I had on that day are present in my thoughts today. I was scared to give birth to you, not because of the pain but because I knew you were going to leave the hospital without me and me without you. In the past 17 years many things have happened in my life as well as yours, some good, some not so good. I am at peace with my decision but that doesn't mean that some days I don't wish it could have been different. I should have been your mommy, the one to rock you in the night, the one to watch your first steps, dry your first tears, kiss your little fingers and toes but I wasn't. I wasn't there for all of that, but know that I dreamed of all those things, many nights crying myself to sleep. I don't know that you would need to hear of the regrets I have but I want you to really understand the love I have for you, I had many dreams of how I wanted your life to be. For the most part that is your reality now. From afar I can see that your life is full, for that I am happy. It is what I wanted for you. There are so many what if's in this life, I try not to dwell on them. Sometimes though I think , What if someone had told me that I would parent another child in 2 short years, What if someone would have known that you would lose your dad at such a young age, What if I would have tried it as a single mom if your First dad had decided to leave, oh the what if's. We can't live in hindsight though so we move on, move forward,continue to remind ourselves that the path of all of our lives would have been different and to wonder what it would have been like versus what it is would be wasted energy. I hope that we can reunite someday and share what life has bestowed upon us, good and bad.

For today though, I will praise God that you are alive and well. This time last year I still didn't know if you were alive, I had just as many emotions then as I do now. They were different though, worried whether you were ok, and if you were ok, if you were happy. I thought of what you might be doing for that magical 16th birthday. I wondered if you had a new car, a girlfriend, what kind of person you were turning out to be, all the questions I should have had answers to but didn't. Then I found you, well I didn't but a dear friend of mine helped to find you. I had my answers, you may think that I didn't have that right to search you out and look at your myspace but I needed something, anything. The hurt was so intense, the not knowing was more than I could stand, so I took the information given to me and set out to find you. I am happy with what I found, with the exception of your dad's passing. I am sure you miss him today as I miss you, know that I cared deeply for him and that I am truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are as scattered as this post, I feel so many things today but my deepest feelings come from the love I have for you, the love I will ALWAYS have for you. I miss you. Happy Birthday Son!

Losing my mind

My ex is at it again. The man is insane! I have a tracker on my MySpace, tonight I saw that he had visited it so I went to visit his, what do you think I found????? Pictures of our bson that he downloaded from our bson's MySpace. I swear if he screws this all up before I get a chance to get it started I will kill him. I am not sure that statement is made with any humor at all, I am seriously pissed right now. Who does he think he is, does he really think he can waltz in and be daddy??? He can't even be the kind of dad his kids need right now let alone to the son he wanted to place for adoption. M has a dad, he died of a brain tumor a few years ago, and I think my ex has this grand idea that he might "need" him since his dad has died. I just want to scream "Educate yourself dumb ass" He has never read the first thing about adoptees, reunion, adoption. He has lived 17 years in denial and now all of a sudden he wants to be a dad to him. I want to put something on my MySpace that says "If anyone comes across my ex's MySpace, nothing he has done or said has any bearing on me and his opinions are his own along with his stupidity"

*SIGH* I have talked to him before, this is not the first time he has done something this stupid. How do I make him understand that he could jepordize the relationship before it ever happens?? I understand that this is hard for him too, I do. But how dare he after 17 years of not giving a shit think that he can just come in now, after all the hard work of finding him is done, and do whatever he wants to make contact. I.AM.SO.MAD.I.COULD.SPIT.

17 years ago today.......................

This was my due date. It was a Tuesday and I was due to give birth, but apparently he wasn't ready to come into this world. To be completely honest, I wasn't ready for him to come either. Everyday that he stayed in my womb was one more day he was with me. I remember like it was yesterday, I was swollen, I was miserable, I wanted to "get it over" and at the same time I wanted him to stay forever. Everything was in place, he had a new home to go to when he got here, his parents had his room ready, but this wasn't the day he was going to make his grand entrance. I went to the doctor and he was breech, the doctor told me to go home and put a radio on my stomach closer to my pelvic area and that he would turn and I would go into labor soon. I did just that, he did turn but he still wasn't coming out of there. We continued on for 2 more weeks and then I was scheduled to be induced on October 16th, I knew that would be a day etched in mind forever and one of the saddest days of my life. I prayed the days would go slow, but they did not. It came so fast, everything was ready for him to be here, but I wasn't. I talked to him, I told him that I was sorry that when he got here he would have to leave me, I told him that I would always love him, and I do. I do.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

As we go into October, which is a very hard month for me, I hope we all remember that it is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. I have changed my blog PINK for the month in support of all those who have had to deal with the dreaded disease. A fellow First Mom and friend has just found out that her mom has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, please keep her in your prayers and feel free to hit me up if you have a prayer request as well.

Here are some great Breast Cancer Websites
http://cms.komen.org/komen/index.htm
Share your stories here:
http://pinkforoctober.org/share/

Educate yourself on this disease, support the mothers, sisters, friends, daughters that this disease affects every year. Also, keep in mind for every 100 women it affects it affects 1 man, we need to find a cure!

God Bless you all!!

When you want to be there, but can't!

I have found out that M had an emergency appendectomy on Monday. Today I am having an emotional meltdown over it. I can't stop the tears, my chest feels tight and I am sick with worry. As most of you know I get what little info I have from his Myspace account, so most of the time I get no details. *sigh* I do not know if he is home, still in the hospital, did it rupture? did they get it in time before it caused major infection? SO many unanswered questions and 1 more reason I am pissed that we do not have open communication as agreed upon. I am not his everyday mom but let me tell you this mama is sick with worry and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am frustrated, I am sad, I am pissed off. For now, I will pray that God will heal him, that he will be ok. I know it is just his appendix and it could be much worse, but when you can't be there to comfort the child you love it is a huge deal. I hurt for him today. I love him with all I have.

Gosh...It has been awhile!!

Anyone wonder where I have been?? LOL Never very far from my computer, but sometimes gosh darn it I just don't feel like writing. So much has been going on though since my last post! The kids have started school and everyone is doing great. James started kindergarten and I am now home alone for a whole 3 hours a day. I have waited for this moment for 14 years. I love my kids, and I am glad I have had the opportunity to be home but I have craved some "me" time for a couple of years. I have it now, and guess where you can still find me most days? You got it, right here!!

My old computer crashed, so I had to go buy a new one. Big purchases always hurt us over here in the land of one income, but neither I nor the kids could do without it. The 2 oldest kids use it alot for school and of course this is the only "entertainment" I get..ha!

Not much going on in the adoption world as of late. I guess there is always something to debate on the forums but sheesh, I get sick of trying to educate some days. When will people get it that it is simply about respect and that no 2 situations are ever gonna be the same?!

So, that is it for now, I will be back tomorrow night my "baby" freshman is going to the Homecoming dance, I will have pics and lots of whining about how he has grown up too fast!!