Safe Haven

Well I know you will be shocked to hear that this is another topic that makes me want to beat my head against a wall!! First let me say that anyone of us that would judge another person, whether it be adoption related or not, is wrong. Who are we to say what, when, or how when the situation does not pertain to us and when we have not walked a mile......

I personally think that the Safe Haven laws are a good thing. Does it leave out the First Father? Yes, I guess it does. Do I believe that First Father's should have the same rights to their child as a First Mom does? I sure do! On the other hand, a first mom live 9 months of a pregnancy taking care of, making plans for, worrying about, the child that they are carrying. If the first father of an unborn child wants those same rights that she has he needs to take care of, make plans for, worry about the unborn child. Some may say "what if he isn't given the chance"? I say, that is an easy way out, he was strong enough to lay down and make a baby, he needs to be strong enough to step up to the plate, find out if the girl he slept with is pregnant (even if that includes some detective work). If he wants rights, he must do what is right!

As for the child, are they left without the possibility of knowing their first parents? Yes, I guess they are but the alternative of being left in a dumpster, canal, toilet, etc. gives them no chance at a life. So if we are talking about the best interest of the child, I think Life comes at the top of what would be best! No medical background, no knowledge of first parents, sucks, but the chance to be alive and functioning within a family that would love them and raise them as their own must count for something.

No Revoke Period~ What are your thoughts?

I am frustrated to say the least. I have been reading the forums and come across a thread about first parents changing their minds ONE day after signing the papers to place their child and whether or not an adoptive parent would give the child back or not. Thus far a couple of adoptive mom's have said NO WAY! I am so torn on how I feel about that, since I don't feel like I can be honest about my feelings there without causing a war, I will do it here on MY blog, If I offend you, Sorry, but this is where I try to make sense of my feelings and get it out!

I can understand that "instant" love that aparents speak of with the child that still isn't theirs until TPR, I felt that same love with my child without ever having seen him, even before I could feel him in there. So I can imagine it would be hard to believe that the child you thought was going to be yours ends up not being yours. I can also understand that there are laws to protect both first parent and adoptive parents, but I don't think I could live with myself if I was holding onto a child that a first parent really wanted to keep. Now I do not believe that months later a first parent can change their minds and get their placed children back, But I DO believe there needs to be longer revocation periods, or maybe what I REALLY feel is that more expectant parents need to be counseled on their rights, one of which I didn't know, and that was that I didn't have to sign the papers at 48 hours. I could have waited for a whole week, a month, however long I would have needed to make that life altering decision, but I was not informed of that. 48 hours to the hour after my son was born I was brought the papers in my hospital room to sign, never once was I asked if I was ready to sign.

I am rambling, still trying to make sense of all of the feelings I am having. I will revisit this topic in the coming days.

Processing My Emotions..........

I was looking at my bson's sister's Facebook account tonight and happened across a post from her to her cousin and she mentioned going to meet her bfamily (her words) in Tennessee! The wave of emotions that came over me are hard to explain. I felt excited, I felt scared, I felt disappointed, just to name a few. How does her meeting with her bfamily impact me you ask? Well, let's begin with the fact that I am excited to find out that she is going to meet them, that she has a desire to meet them and that they are also apparently open to the meeting. That says alot to me, I know that it does not necessarily mean that my bson will want the same from me but one can hope. I am scared that if things do not work out for her and her bfamily then how will that impact his desire to search and reunite with me? I am disappointed that we even have to have a "reunion", that what we had was taken away from us 10 years ago and that now I sit here with so many emotions that I can hardly process it all. I wonder how her mom is feeling about this? I wonder what impact it is having on my bson right now? Is he wishing he could know me? Is he thinking about me at all? So many questions, so few answers!!!

We Went, We Saw, We HATED Chicago

We are back! I wouldn't live in Chicago for all the money in the world! Now, I am not saying that the people there were not friendly, they were. But the TRAFFIC, OMG, It was awful! I have never seen so many people speed, weave in and out of traffic, and fight to be first at the toll as I did this weekend. The streets are funky and I got lost more times than I care to share with you all! I should mention that the person reserving our rooms for the team managed to find the furthest hotel from the baseball field, so I am sure that the fact we had to drive clear across the freaking world to get there played a part in the "getting lost" and "hating the way people drive" feeling from me. The boys had a great time! They won the first game, lost the next 2 and that sent us home and praise Jesus it did. I could not have spent another night there. We didn't see much more than a few stores, restaraunts and the inside of our hotel room. We swam, sat in the hot tub, ate some pretty good food and watched the boys run through the halls annoying other guests.

While on my trip (remember my mom went with us) I learned a few things;
1. Apparently I can not drive at 37 (this said because my mother was constantly reminding me of my speed, to watch out!, and be careful!)
2. She knows more than I and isn't afraid to tell me despite embarassing me in front of 13 other couples.
3. Kids do not care if you are sitting in the hot tub trying to relax, they will still enjoy throwing cold water from the pool in on you and try to get the funniest reaction possible.
4. That it is possible to put 13 boys together and have a good time even when you lose your games!

I am so glad Q had the opportunity to travel with this team, we have a great group of boys who played well in the games and were good losers! Baseball is over now until the end of August when we start Fall Baseball, we will gain some new kids, lose a few, but for now I am just gonna sit back and enjoy the next 4 weeks!!

You GAVE me a title and NOW you tell me how I FEEL???

I am on a rampage this week, ignorance is following me and I am not sure why? Not only have I been told what title I hold and what I should be called in reference to my fisrt born son, but now I am being told that there is NO way that I should feel as I do, NO way that I could have possibly been made to feel like I had to place. Um, Excuse me, were you there? Have you been there? NO! I was not FORCED to place my child in the way that you force something, no one took my hand and signed the papers, BUT, Society told me along with the agency that my child needed a 2 parent home, with financially stable parents and what a great person I was to think of him first and do what was best for him. I was best for him, I just didn't know it, know why I didn't know it, I had no one telling me so. YOu have heard me preach it a million times over, ONE PERSON, JUST ONE, to have told me that I could have done it, but they didn't, they encouraged me, not MADE me but encouraged me and they used wonderful words like, Gift, happy, healthy, loving families, better life,etc. So for those that say "No one can make you do something you don't want to do" I say think again and look around ya, it happens EVERYDAY!

Chicago~Here we come!

We are leaving in the morning to go to Chicago! Q has a baseball tournament, we will return on Sunday if he loses and if he wins we will stay and play in the Championship game on Monday, I am Excited! I am excited because it is "family time" we will also be doing other things besides baseball and I am always happy to show the kids new places. As a child my mom took us to The Sears Tower, we shopped, we loved Chicago! I will be able to share that not only with my children and hubby this weekend, but Mom will be joining us as well, FUN! Sooooo, this brings me to my favorite subject.....ADOPTION. My son will not share this weekend with me, I will not be able to say "we went to Chicago and had a great time" with him, I have never seen him play baseball (though I do have an awesome picture of him in his uniform) . I am saddened by this realization, it is just another "family" activity where I feel a part of my "family" is missing, I always have and I always will miss him more during these special moments. My thoughts during this weekend as I watch my children in the excitement of Chicago, will wander back to "what he is doing" "Where he is for the weekend" I love him and I miss him, OH I LOVE HIM!

First mom, Natural mom, Birth mom, Real mom, Biological mom, what do you want to be?

Titles! It seems that no matter what you call yourself in this world of adoption someone is pissy about it. There is much controversy right now about the term First mom. I prefer it, haven't always but I do now, why you ask? I was labeled a birthmom when I placed my son for adoption, a label I didn't ask for, a label I was given. Yes I gave birth to him, but before I gave birth I made decisions based on what was in the best interest of him, making sure that I stayed healthy, so he stayed healthy, making sure that when he made his arrival into this big world he would have every opportunity to be the best that he could be, even if that meant it wasn't with me. I made the FIRST parental decision for him and that was to find a family to raise him,love him and provide for him, I was told my love wasn't going to be enough. So I did what any caring mother would do for her child, I made a plan, a plan for him to be adopted by people who could do what I was told I couldn't. I was the FIRST to see him, I was the FIRST to love him, I was the FIRST to touch him, I was the FIRST to make a decision concerning him, does any of this mean that his mom is unimportant or 2nd best? Never! She has her own set of firsts with him, and I completely respect that, when I speak of her it is never with a qualifier, she is his MOM. It honestly saddens me that I need a qualifier of First mom, as I am his mom as well, but to make things simpler I do.

Birth mom doesn't work for me anymore and it never will again, No one can make me feel like the only thing I did for my child was give him life, I provided him with life and gave him the opportunity to have a life. I was the FIRST to make that happen.

To the adoptive parents out there that I have offended by this post, reach a little deeper within yourselves and find some security in your ability to be a parent, a mom, a dad to your child. What I want to call myself should have no affect on you if you are secure in your role as a parent. I do not wish to be called First mom because I think your second, or that I am better than you. It is because I was not an incubator, I did what I felt I had to do at that time out of PURE LOVE for my unborn child, my child for 9 months, I was his First Mom and I will always be his FIRST MOM, not his only, not his last, but his FIRST!!!!