Breast Cancer Awareness Month

As we go into October, which is a very hard month for me, I hope we all remember that it is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. I have changed my blog PINK for the month in support of all those who have had to deal with the dreaded disease. A fellow First Mom and friend has just found out that her mom has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, please keep her in your prayers and feel free to hit me up if you have a prayer request as well.

Here are some great Breast Cancer Websites
http://cms.komen.org/komen/index.htm
Share your stories here:
http://pinkforoctober.org/share/

Educate yourself on this disease, support the mothers, sisters, friends, daughters that this disease affects every year. Also, keep in mind for every 100 women it affects it affects 1 man, we need to find a cure!

God Bless you all!!

When you want to be there, but can't!

I have found out that M had an emergency appendectomy on Monday. Today I am having an emotional meltdown over it. I can't stop the tears, my chest feels tight and I am sick with worry. As most of you know I get what little info I have from his Myspace account, so most of the time I get no details. *sigh* I do not know if he is home, still in the hospital, did it rupture? did they get it in time before it caused major infection? SO many unanswered questions and 1 more reason I am pissed that we do not have open communication as agreed upon. I am not his everyday mom but let me tell you this mama is sick with worry and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am frustrated, I am sad, I am pissed off. For now, I will pray that God will heal him, that he will be ok. I know it is just his appendix and it could be much worse, but when you can't be there to comfort the child you love it is a huge deal. I hurt for him today. I love him with all I have.

Gosh...It has been awhile!!

Anyone wonder where I have been?? LOL Never very far from my computer, but sometimes gosh darn it I just don't feel like writing. So much has been going on though since my last post! The kids have started school and everyone is doing great. James started kindergarten and I am now home alone for a whole 3 hours a day. I have waited for this moment for 14 years. I love my kids, and I am glad I have had the opportunity to be home but I have craved some "me" time for a couple of years. I have it now, and guess where you can still find me most days? You got it, right here!!

My old computer crashed, so I had to go buy a new one. Big purchases always hurt us over here in the land of one income, but neither I nor the kids could do without it. The 2 oldest kids use it alot for school and of course this is the only "entertainment" I get..ha!

Not much going on in the adoption world as of late. I guess there is always something to debate on the forums but sheesh, I get sick of trying to educate some days. When will people get it that it is simply about respect and that no 2 situations are ever gonna be the same?!

So, that is it for now, I will be back tomorrow night my "baby" freshman is going to the Homecoming dance, I will have pics and lots of whining about how he has grown up too fast!!

Safe Haven

Well I know you will be shocked to hear that this is another topic that makes me want to beat my head against a wall!! First let me say that anyone of us that would judge another person, whether it be adoption related or not, is wrong. Who are we to say what, when, or how when the situation does not pertain to us and when we have not walked a mile......

I personally think that the Safe Haven laws are a good thing. Does it leave out the First Father? Yes, I guess it does. Do I believe that First Father's should have the same rights to their child as a First Mom does? I sure do! On the other hand, a first mom live 9 months of a pregnancy taking care of, making plans for, worrying about, the child that they are carrying. If the first father of an unborn child wants those same rights that she has he needs to take care of, make plans for, worry about the unborn child. Some may say "what if he isn't given the chance"? I say, that is an easy way out, he was strong enough to lay down and make a baby, he needs to be strong enough to step up to the plate, find out if the girl he slept with is pregnant (even if that includes some detective work). If he wants rights, he must do what is right!

As for the child, are they left without the possibility of knowing their first parents? Yes, I guess they are but the alternative of being left in a dumpster, canal, toilet, etc. gives them no chance at a life. So if we are talking about the best interest of the child, I think Life comes at the top of what would be best! No medical background, no knowledge of first parents, sucks, but the chance to be alive and functioning within a family that would love them and raise them as their own must count for something.

No Revoke Period~ What are your thoughts?

I am frustrated to say the least. I have been reading the forums and come across a thread about first parents changing their minds ONE day after signing the papers to place their child and whether or not an adoptive parent would give the child back or not. Thus far a couple of adoptive mom's have said NO WAY! I am so torn on how I feel about that, since I don't feel like I can be honest about my feelings there without causing a war, I will do it here on MY blog, If I offend you, Sorry, but this is where I try to make sense of my feelings and get it out!

I can understand that "instant" love that aparents speak of with the child that still isn't theirs until TPR, I felt that same love with my child without ever having seen him, even before I could feel him in there. So I can imagine it would be hard to believe that the child you thought was going to be yours ends up not being yours. I can also understand that there are laws to protect both first parent and adoptive parents, but I don't think I could live with myself if I was holding onto a child that a first parent really wanted to keep. Now I do not believe that months later a first parent can change their minds and get their placed children back, But I DO believe there needs to be longer revocation periods, or maybe what I REALLY feel is that more expectant parents need to be counseled on their rights, one of which I didn't know, and that was that I didn't have to sign the papers at 48 hours. I could have waited for a whole week, a month, however long I would have needed to make that life altering decision, but I was not informed of that. 48 hours to the hour after my son was born I was brought the papers in my hospital room to sign, never once was I asked if I was ready to sign.

I am rambling, still trying to make sense of all of the feelings I am having. I will revisit this topic in the coming days.

Processing My Emotions..........

I was looking at my bson's sister's Facebook account tonight and happened across a post from her to her cousin and she mentioned going to meet her bfamily (her words) in Tennessee! The wave of emotions that came over me are hard to explain. I felt excited, I felt scared, I felt disappointed, just to name a few. How does her meeting with her bfamily impact me you ask? Well, let's begin with the fact that I am excited to find out that she is going to meet them, that she has a desire to meet them and that they are also apparently open to the meeting. That says alot to me, I know that it does not necessarily mean that my bson will want the same from me but one can hope. I am scared that if things do not work out for her and her bfamily then how will that impact his desire to search and reunite with me? I am disappointed that we even have to have a "reunion", that what we had was taken away from us 10 years ago and that now I sit here with so many emotions that I can hardly process it all. I wonder how her mom is feeling about this? I wonder what impact it is having on my bson right now? Is he wishing he could know me? Is he thinking about me at all? So many questions, so few answers!!!

We Went, We Saw, We HATED Chicago

We are back! I wouldn't live in Chicago for all the money in the world! Now, I am not saying that the people there were not friendly, they were. But the TRAFFIC, OMG, It was awful! I have never seen so many people speed, weave in and out of traffic, and fight to be first at the toll as I did this weekend. The streets are funky and I got lost more times than I care to share with you all! I should mention that the person reserving our rooms for the team managed to find the furthest hotel from the baseball field, so I am sure that the fact we had to drive clear across the freaking world to get there played a part in the "getting lost" and "hating the way people drive" feeling from me. The boys had a great time! They won the first game, lost the next 2 and that sent us home and praise Jesus it did. I could not have spent another night there. We didn't see much more than a few stores, restaraunts and the inside of our hotel room. We swam, sat in the hot tub, ate some pretty good food and watched the boys run through the halls annoying other guests.

While on my trip (remember my mom went with us) I learned a few things;
1. Apparently I can not drive at 37 (this said because my mother was constantly reminding me of my speed, to watch out!, and be careful!)
2. She knows more than I and isn't afraid to tell me despite embarassing me in front of 13 other couples.
3. Kids do not care if you are sitting in the hot tub trying to relax, they will still enjoy throwing cold water from the pool in on you and try to get the funniest reaction possible.
4. That it is possible to put 13 boys together and have a good time even when you lose your games!

I am so glad Q had the opportunity to travel with this team, we have a great group of boys who played well in the games and were good losers! Baseball is over now until the end of August when we start Fall Baseball, we will gain some new kids, lose a few, but for now I am just gonna sit back and enjoy the next 4 weeks!!