Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tomorrow is the Big 18

I just read through my posts from last year and WOW, I was angry! Not only was I angry, I was severly depressed. I have come so far. Yet, I am still not where I want to be. Are we ever? Will I ever feel whole again? My gut feeling is no! There will always and forever be a missing piece to my family.Yes, someday he may play a bigger part than he does now, but memories are lost and they can never be recaptured. New memories can be made, but the past is the past and as much as I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I can't. It sucks.

I am sitting here reading what I just wrote and it is so ironic to me, would I really want to change the past? Sure it sounds like a dream, the perfect answer, but to change the past would alter my future.....It would alter all things that have happened that are good up until now.

Blah! Think I will go work on M's big 18th birthday letter.

Goodnight ((hugs))

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Just a Rant

I don't even know how to title this post other than to say "Some laws really piss me off". F called me the other night after the homecoming game and asked if I would come and take him and some friends to the movies, buy their tickets for an "R" rated movie, drop them off and be on my way. I agreed after asking if the other boys had permission from their parents to see this movie. We get to the movie theater, I go in to purchase the tickets and to let the theater know that the boys have my permission to see it and I am told that "No, they can not sell the tickets to me for them unless I intend to purchase a ticket for myself and stay to watch it with them". Ok, first off, I DO NOT want to stay with a group of 16 yr old boys to watch a movie, Secondly, when did my parental judgement get taken away from me? If I say he can watch the darn movie, HE CAN watch the movie and to try and make me purchase a ticket and go sit for 2 hours with him is absurd. I could understand more if they wouldn't have allowed me to purchase the tickets for the other boys who were not mine, but to deny me the right to allow MY child to watch a movie that I was ok with??? WTF

I am trying to figure out who to contact for my next support payment on F, seems that someone else wants to parent him????

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's October!

If you know me, you know how dreaded this month has been for 18 years. This year is no different! He will be 18! Where has the time gone? What will this year bring? Will he be more open to contact now? Will things stay exactly as they are? So many questions, so few answers!

I haven't emailed him in a few months, he didn't respond to the last email and I hate feeling as if I am intruding. So, I wait. I will wait until his birthday and then I will try again. Rejection sucks! I just wish we could "connect" and I don't feel like we have. I continue to remind myself of how busy he is, but is he? Or am I kidding myself? Am I not being honest with ME? Should I accept that he doesn't want anything from me? I never got that from his emails, but the lack of response makes me think otherwise.

I am still waiting on the pics his mom said she would send....LMAO.....As if I am surprised! She has said many times she would do things she has never done, why would this be any different?

First post in forever and I am bitchy! Sorry!

Hugs to all!