Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tomorrow is the Big 18

I just read through my posts from last year and WOW, I was angry! Not only was I angry, I was severly depressed. I have come so far. Yet, I am still not where I want to be. Are we ever? Will I ever feel whole again? My gut feeling is no! There will always and forever be a missing piece to my family.Yes, someday he may play a bigger part than he does now, but memories are lost and they can never be recaptured. New memories can be made, but the past is the past and as much as I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I can't. It sucks.

I am sitting here reading what I just wrote and it is so ironic to me, would I really want to change the past? Sure it sounds like a dream, the perfect answer, but to change the past would alter my future.....It would alter all things that have happened that are good up until now.

Blah! Think I will go work on M's big 18th birthday letter.

Goodnight ((hugs))

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Just a Rant

I don't even know how to title this post other than to say "Some laws really piss me off". F called me the other night after the homecoming game and asked if I would come and take him and some friends to the movies, buy their tickets for an "R" rated movie, drop them off and be on my way. I agreed after asking if the other boys had permission from their parents to see this movie. We get to the movie theater, I go in to purchase the tickets and to let the theater know that the boys have my permission to see it and I am told that "No, they can not sell the tickets to me for them unless I intend to purchase a ticket for myself and stay to watch it with them". Ok, first off, I DO NOT want to stay with a group of 16 yr old boys to watch a movie, Secondly, when did my parental judgement get taken away from me? If I say he can watch the darn movie, HE CAN watch the movie and to try and make me purchase a ticket and go sit for 2 hours with him is absurd. I could understand more if they wouldn't have allowed me to purchase the tickets for the other boys who were not mine, but to deny me the right to allow MY child to watch a movie that I was ok with??? WTF

I am trying to figure out who to contact for my next support payment on F, seems that someone else wants to parent him????

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's October!

If you know me, you know how dreaded this month has been for 18 years. This year is no different! He will be 18! Where has the time gone? What will this year bring? Will he be more open to contact now? Will things stay exactly as they are? So many questions, so few answers!

I haven't emailed him in a few months, he didn't respond to the last email and I hate feeling as if I am intruding. So, I wait. I will wait until his birthday and then I will try again. Rejection sucks! I just wish we could "connect" and I don't feel like we have. I continue to remind myself of how busy he is, but is he? Or am I kidding myself? Am I not being honest with ME? Should I accept that he doesn't want anything from me? I never got that from his emails, but the lack of response makes me think otherwise.

I am still waiting on the pics his mom said she would send....LMAO.....As if I am surprised! She has said many times she would do things she has never done, why would this be any different?

First post in forever and I am bitchy! Sorry!

Hugs to all!

Monday, July 14, 2008


WOW! I guess I am not very good at blogging? I get so darn busy!! I have random thoughts that I want to come here and blog about, I try to, but for whatever reason I get sidetracked and I never make it. Forgive me?

So, what has happened in 2 months? On the adoption front, NOTHING. I haven't pushed for anything, I know he has a lot going on with his girl moving off to college, football keeps him so busy and I am sure just enjoying his summer and anticipating his Senior year. I CAN NOT believe he is going to be a Senior, see, time just flies by! Ask me if I felt that 18 years has flown by, NOT! Seems like a lifetime has gone by since the last time I saw his little face :( I think I will drop him an email tomorrow just to let him know I am thinking of him, ya know sometimes those boys need a little "push".Ironically, he did NOT send his birth father an email on Father's Day, not sure what I think about that. Of course it made me feel special, but it makes me wonder why me and not him?

On the home front, so much has gone on! I had an abscessed tooth, I HATE DENTIST! Lots of pain and fun there, glad it is over. Hubby and I went through a rough patch, we are working on getting back on track, why do men have to be so stupid? I mean really, without going into detail tonight, why do they lie over the dumbest things? Especially mine, he knows he will get caught in the lie, he knows the lie is no big deal and if he would just tell the truth it would be so much easier? Yet, he takes the harder road. Stupid.Just. Stupid.

The kids are enjoying their summer, although Fred broke his thumb in a baseball game, UGH! Of course it couldn't just be a "break" it had to be a "BREAK", scheduled for surgery and everything, ended up not having to have surgery after they got him sedated they were able to move the bone back into place and cast it. We see the doctor once a week to make sure it is healing properly and as of last Thursday it looks like it might be moving a bit out of place, so surgery isn't completely out of the pic yet. He is pissed, wants to play fall baseball and it doesn't look promising. He seems to think, in his "I am invincible and way smarter than the doctor" 15 yr old attitude that he WILL be playing, we will see what the doc has to say about that! Here he is in his cast:

The other kids are doing well, baseball is over for the other boys and Katie will be starting Volleyball soon! School starts on the 13th of August and for the first time in 15 years I will be home alone with no children all day! What will I do with myself you ask? I don't know, but I am sure I will like it whatever it is :-)

So, that is all for tonight, just wanted to let you all know I am alive, just busy! I try to keep up on your blogs, so know that even though I am not commenting much I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best!

Miss you all!!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I have waited 17 LONG years for this............

I got a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY email from M!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe it. It was a good day, I got to sleep in, got some awesome things from my kids, went to see my mom and have lunch with her and then come home to relax for the remainder of the day. Of course, the first thing I did was check my email, NOTHING, to say that I was bummed would be putting it mildly. I was angry and hurt. I know I am not his mom, but the first Mother's Day since reunion and I was hoping that he would send something. So, I focused on relaxing and being thankful for how awesome my parented children are (and of course my hubby too). After bedtime for the kids I come to my computer, start chatting with a friend, check email and there it is!! An email from M, he is busy, focusing on school, hopes I am doing well, he is, and wanted to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and will write again soon and as always his ending "Love, M". I cried, I cried for the past Mother's Days that we missed together, for the future ones I hope to be included in and for the present one that I was so angry about. He completed a perfect Mother's Day for me, don't get me wrong, my kids and my hubby made this day awesome, but for those who know what it feels like to have a child missing from your life on Mother's Day, well you know, it's all good now! There is peace in my heart tonight!

I love that kid so much!!

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

Happy Mother's Day

What a bittersweet day this is for me. I have 4 really great kids right here with me, who love me unconditionally, who have already given me homemade gifts, a rose, a new pair of jammies to wear all day on Mother's Day (LOL, I might need to get dressed to go to mom's) and who will have more gifts of love when I wake in the morning, yet I am sitting here sad tonight.

So sad that I can't even get it into words. I think there is 1 thing that may make all the difference in how tomorrow goes and how unfair to my children is that? I will make an effort to be happy tomorrow, I know how much it means to them. But dammit, it's hard.

I am off for tonight, maybe more tomorrow. Happy Mother's Day to you all, no matter how you came to be one, even if you won't get to spend the day with your child, you deserve to be honored, take care of you today!


Thursday, April 24, 2008

How does Semi-Open Adoption benefit the Adoptee

This post is in regards to TG'S Post as I felt that I couldn't really address it there without writing a book. So here we go!

I entered into a semi-open adoption with my birth son's parents for him. NEVER once was it about me, I had no desire to do anymore than sign the papers saying he would be theirs forever. After much talk between the agency and myself, I did decide it would be beneficial to him to have some sort of contact. How would writing to his mom be beneficial? I would keep her informed of the changes in my medical history, I would keep her updated on the things going on in my life, I would send pictures of myself for him to be able to look at over the years, I would be able to let her know where birth father was and how he was doing if the need ever came up because he did NOT want to be a part of their lives, I would be able to let her know that birth son had more siblings as they came along. So you ask, how is that beneficial to him? For one, he would never have to ask "Who do I look like?" He would never have to wonder "Why did she place me?" He would know why he has headaches that have now been diagnosed as Arachnoid cysts, He wouldn't have to spend countless hours and money to search if he so chose to do so and HE would have a say in how much contact we had as he grew up. Yes I suppose in OA he would also have the option of saying "this is to much for me, back off" but I feel that would be much easier to do in a semi-open adoption where it could be done via a letter versus having to sit down and look me in the face and say "I don't want you in my life right now" which IMO would be hard for a kid to do.

As a First mom in what was a Semi-OA, I can tell you, I cried, worried, stressed, got physically ill EVERY TIME I wrote a letter. Was I saying the right thing? Did I overstep my boundaries? Did I include enough info, too much? Can they read through my words how much I care and love him? Do they understand how important all of this is to me? No, I didn't have to physically leave him over and over again, but everytime I sent a letter it was a reminder of what I was missing. Everytime I received a letter about him hitting milestones it was a reminder of what I was missing. I didn't seem him face to face, but it was just as hard to see him through pictures knowing he was growing up without me. Seeing that big boy that he was becoming and knowing I had nothing to do with that, but also knowing that the older he got the more he "might" want to know more about me.

I am rambling, but I can tell you this, I DO NOT CARE what ANYONE in society belives, thinks about OA or Semi-OA but for this MOM it was never about me, not one time!

I am not totally sold on OA, although I know it is working out for some and I think that is great, but even today, 17 years later, I am not sure I could have done it or even would have done it. Maybe someday I will live to regret it, hell maybe I am now.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Invitation Accepted!!

One of my cyber-sisters and a dear friend is having a rough time with the amom of her bdaughter and has invited some of her cyber friends to write a letter to amom, these will not be sent but it does our heart good to get it out so that we can continue to be supportive of her during these hard times. Others have written some really good letters, I do not write eloquently, but I wanted cyber friend to know that I gave it thought and put it in my words the best I can with her in my mind, so here it is.

Dear AM, There are so many things that I think you need to know about me, things I wish I could have communicated over the phone to you but you were to busy to make the time to do what you said you would do. You have left me no other choice than to tell you in this email what I think you may not know. First, I am here, for life, not for you not for me but for M. This is not about you or me, it is about M. If you will keep M and her best interest at heart at all times, we will have no need to continue having this conversation over and over until she reaches the age in which she can make the decisions on her own, without your negative vibes influencing her. Now that I have reiterated that M is the only one that matters here and that I am not going anywhere, I would like to discuss what it is we are going to do to ensure that M knows that I am a part of her and that I love her and that I will always be here for her in whatever way she needs me to be. You can not be trusted AM, you have proven this to me by your lack of response to the things that are important to me concerning M. The card I sent for her B-day, why did you not acknowledge that? You knew that was important to me, yet you dismissed it as if it were nothing. The busy excuse just doesn't work for me anymore, I am busy as well but I make time for the important things in my life, M is important to me. Did you give her the card? I want this to be her decision, not yours, we have been making decisions for her for 16 years, don't you think it is time she has some input? I was hoping to hear that you handed her the card (as it was for her) and let her choose whether or not she wanted to open it or stuff it in a drawer for a later date, when she was ready, not when you are ready. I am not some stranger that sent a card to your daughter, I am the reason she is yours to begin with and if she sees me as a stranger I can thank you for that. Children learn by example, I hope that M doesn't see how flaky you are through other actions in your life since surely she doesn't know you told me you would call and then were to "busy" to do so. I have dreams and hopes for M, I have had those since the day she was born and I am sure you have to, I just wonder if we have those same hopes and dreams for her? I hope she is happy, loved, secure in who she is and where she came from. I worry that you hope she is happy, loved and remembers who made her who she is and I don't think you include me in these thoughts.

I am sad for how things are turning out, again, not for me, but for M. I hope soon, we can work this all out for M.

Cyber friend and sista~ I love ya and I am so sorry that things are the way they are. Keep being who you are and doing what you do, your love for your daughter shines through it all! (((hugs))

Monday, April 21, 2008

I've been Tagged.......

Apparently since I have been silent about my weight loss and elliptical progress a dear sweet cyber friend Becky decided this would be a great way to hear from me, so she wants to hear 6 random things about me, here we go!

1) I love to read! Janet Evanovich is my fav author and life stops when she publishes a new book. She is a very talented writer and her books are absolutely hilarious to read. Love, Love, Love her. I once stood at Barnes & Noble for 5 hours just to meet her and get an autographed copy of one of her books!

2) I love being at home. There is alot of truth to what Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz said "There's no place like home". My friends all like to go out, shop, meet for lunch, meet for girls day out but me, I like being home. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE TO SHOP, but for the most part, home is good! I even married a homebody like me, we just love being at home.

3) I love reality TV! The Bachelor, Big Brother, American Idol, are among the many shows I really like to watch. Maybe it is because I can visually see that dysfunction doesn't just live in my house...LMAO!!!

4) In general, I do not like women! I have had such bad experiences with girlfriends,the backstabbing, 2-faced kind. My heart is very guarded when it comes to making friends with females.However, with that said, I am VERY fortunate to have some awesome cyber girlfriends that I wouldn't trade for the world!!

5) I like to bowl and I am pretty good at it. Hubby and I bowl in a league once a week, this is our night out, see I told you we are exciting people..LOL

6) And the 6th random thing about me.....I really wanted 6 kids when I was younger. I have 5, parent 4 and can NOT imagine life with 6 kids. What was I thinking????

OK, there you have it. You can now officially say you know one of the most boring people in the world. I am going to TAG.....Michellebecause I think she forgot how to blog ! Leigh because she needs more fun in her life :-) Jennabecause having 2 kids isn't keeping her busy enough and last but not leastB because like Jenna she just isn't busy enough!!

Sunday, April 13, 2008


In 1 week I have lost a total of 5 lbs. WHOOOOO!!! OK, so I know I won't lose that every week, but man I needed to see that on the scales today. Late night desires for snacks are still getting to me, I don't give in, but sure do want to! So that is my biggest battle right now.I am on the second week of my walking regimen, started today.It is hard. My legs are so sore tonight and my family has had much fun at my expense. I also took pics today for later comparison. I am a visual person, so I will need to be able to look back and see the weight gone! OK, gotta get to bed seems to be the easiest way to stay away from snacking..LOL

Brown~ 20 minutes on the elliptical today~~GO ME!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Day 3 Feeling Good!

Ok, NO this will not turn into a blog about my new healthy life. BUT, for now, yep that is what it is! Today I walked twice, once this morning and again this evening. It relaxes me, gives me time to think about things and a welcomed break from the kids being home on Spring Break. I drank 80 oz. of water today and wrote down all of what I ate for the day. I will share.....small bagel with tsp. cream cheese for breakfast, broccoli with butter salt for lunch, some grapes in between lunch and dinner, 4oz. steak, baked potato with a tsp. butter and more broccoli for dinner. I feel totally full and have yet to feel the need to run grab the bag of Doritos..LOL. I need suggestions for what I am going to do on Thursday when it rains all day??? I will not walk in the rain (yes, I would melt, I am made out of sugar ya know). I have an Elliptical machine, isn't that for hanging clothes on though?? No, really, I hate it! My feet hurt when I am on it, it seems so long and boring, so help me! OK, so maybe a little pain and extra time would be OK, or not?

Day 2 of Getting Healthy

I love this program! It totally motivates me to get my butt moving. I also found someone to do it with me, that makes it sooo much easier. What I like best is that I walk a total of 20 minutes... walk 5 minutes, stop, do 15 of these exercises, walk 10 minutes, stop, do 30 exercises, walk 5 more minutes getting you home. Once your home you do 1 minute of "reeds" and your done! Of course that is this week and next week gets harder, still only 20 minutes of actual walking, continuing the exercises I am dong and add in squats, the third week even harder. But I am determined and I will post my weight loss once a week. I am drinking my water, watching what I eat and trying to steer clear of snacking to much. I already feel better, just knowing I am doing something. Maybe I won't dread summer and bathing suit season quite so much :-)

Monday, April 7, 2008

Getting Healthy

I don't talk about this often, but today I am going to. My weight is such an issue for me. I am heavier right now than I have ever been in my life. So while standing in the check-out line at the grocery, I saw a magazine called "First" and in big bold letters it said "Walk OFF 96% More Fat" Well let me tell you, 5 years ago I had some left over "baby" weight and to get it off I start walking 2 miles a night. It worked! I lost inches, weight and I felt so good about me and then I began to get depressed over M and I gained it all back and then some, er, alot. So, today, I vowed to get to steppin...I am going to get the weight off, be healthier for my kids and hubby and feel better about me. I am following the article in the magazine versus walking my usual 2 miles as it makes more sense to do what it says. Kim Lyons from "The Biggest Loser" outlines how to do this 3 week walking, exercise program to boost your metabolism and help you lose weight and tone your muscles as you are doing it.

Now, this is where you all come in, I NEED SUPPORT! I really need an accountability person, but since you all are not here and I could lie to you, LOL, just an occasional pop in would help greatly. I love food! Really love it! So, the walking and exercise will not be a problem however, passing on the foods that are bad for me and the stress eating that I do, will be. Anyone have any suggestions on how to keep from eating when I am stressed, pass them on.

Oh food. Go Away. Just for a little while??

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Dale Jr. 88

Oh Dale! For those that don't know, I LOVE Dale Jr. Nascar is ok, but I love me some Dale. You may ask, What is it about Dale that I love? Well, it isn't that he is HAWT, because really, he isn't what I consider HAWT, rather I think he is just so damn cute I could, uhm, well, I love him! The past 6 years have been tough for Dale, with the loss of his daddy and then having to deal with his witch of a step-mom and all things dealing with DEI, I am so glad that he is now with Hendricks where he WILL succeed. He has the pole for tomorrow, sure would love to see him give Hendricks their first win of the year!! If you don't know anything about him, check him out. You don't have to like Nascar to love Dale,just a good guy, a guy you would be proud for your daughter to bring home to you. GO #88!!!! WHOOOOO!

I am OK, is that a bad thing?

So, I have been thinking alot about why I am so calm about the lack of contact from M. Surely I should be upset and devestated that I have not heard from him since C-mas, right? Now, don't get me wrong, I think about it, I make up crazy reasons in my mind as to why there is a lack of contact, I even get upset occasionally, but I work hard at not letting it consume my daily life. But, but, then I get upset that I am not upset, that there are days when it just doesn't matter, that it is what it is. I reflect back on the 10 years of not knowing if he was dead or alive, I remember that there were days that I was devestated and then there were days where "it is what it is" so maybe it is a way of protecting myself? Maybe it is my way of dealing with it? But I worry so much about becoming emotionally unattached to it all and honestly, some days, I just get tired of caring. It hurts. Maybe it always will. I know he is young, I know he is consumed with all the things kids his age are supposed to be consumed with, maybe that is why I am ok most days, because I finally know that he is alive, healthy, and doing what he is suppose to be doing at this time in his life. So, with all this knowledge I claim to have, why do I still feel guilty for being ok? Not that I want to go back to being the whine bag that I was when I didn't know where he was, but will I grow cold? Will my heart learn to live without him and be ok with it? I don't want to be ok, being ok seems to say "I don't care" and I do care. I do.

So, tonight, I miss him, I love him and I want to remind myself that 17 yrs ago I said I would always care, I would always be here and I will. I Promise.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Feb 19, my last post, OMG...

How does time go so fast? How do I spend so many hours on this computer and yet never seem to make time to blog? I have TONS of thoughts running inside my head, lots to talk about and yet I don't make the time to come here and get them out. So much is going on that I don't think I even know where to begin. Hubby being laid off has caused alot of stress over here, financial stress sucks! Thankfully our marriage is strong enough to handle it, but I tell you, the toll it is taking on me physically is awful. I am in the 3rd week of pain in my shoulder. I know it is tension and stress, icy hot helps for a brief time but I need the pain to go away.for good. The ex continues to be an ass, could careless to help out during this time, thinks his child support is enough. M hasn't made contact with me since C-mas, kinda irritated about that. I dropped him an email at the first of Feb., no response. I did find out that his sister is having a wonderful relationship with her birth family and is contemplating moving to the state in which they live, so wonder if that may have something to do with him not contacting me. Is his mother having a hard time dealing with J's new found relationship and M doesn't want to add to it? I sure hope he isn't taking on that responsibility, but I can understand if he is.

F has his first game tomorrow night, he has worked hard. I hope they win! He has done well dealing with the loss of his friend, however he did mention him tonight. I think he is afraid to "forget" him, poor kids, I hate that they have had to deal with something this tragic at such a young age.

K, Q, & J are all doing well. I am blessed to have such wonderful kids, but don't let them fool you, they all have their days...LOL

Well, for tonight that is all I have. So much more I could ramble about, especially if we want to talk adoption and stereotypes, but ahh for tonight I am too tired.

Hope everyone is well!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Prayers for my son

This blog entry isn't about M, it is about Fred. The prayers are for him and for the friend he lost yesterday. Prayers are needed for 2 parents who will bury their dear son on Thursday, a life lost at the tender age of 15. My hurt aches tonight for my son, for all of his friends that are feeling the loss, for the parents of this child. I can't fathom having to deal with my child committing suicide, infact, it is killing me to think about it. Have I always said the right things? Do my kids know that no problem is to big to come to me with? Have I instilled in them the value of life? Do they know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how devestating suicide is to those of us left behind in this world? I love my children, this is a huge fear! Unfortunately not a fear I think about daily, until this happened. Now, here I sit, worrying, not because I am not an awesome mom, I am, I know that. But did B's mom think the same thing? Did she think that it couldn't happen to her child? Were there signs she missed? He left a note, he failed a random drug test (all of our athletes have them randomly done) he was afraid what his parents would do to him, does my Fred think that? He passed his, but I am not naive enough to believe that it might not just be a failed random drug test, it could be the break up of a girlfriend, it could be being cut from the baseball team, a number of things push our kids of today to think that they can't handle life and for some, the answer is suicide, HOW do I keep it from being one of mine? I love them with all I have, I try to reiterate that I am always here and that no problem is to big that together as a family we can't get through, but is it enough?

Thursday will be a tough day for Fred, this is the first friend he has ever lost and it breaks my heart that he has lost him at 15. 15, too young...please keep everyone in your prayers!!

Monday, February 4, 2008

For M

My Dearest M,

In my previous emails I have tip-toed around all the things I really want to say to you, so today I will put it all out there.

Son, I have loved you from the day I knew you were in my womb. There hasn't been a day in 17 years that I haven't thought of you, longed to hear your voice, to see your face, to tell you how very much you are loved by your first mom. Yes, I went on to have other children, I love them with all of my heart, just the same as I love you, the difference is that I didn't know I could have parented you, that the intense love for you that drove me to place you, was enough. I was so worried that you wouldn't have the best of the best in material things that I didn't realize that the sound of a familiar voice, the intense love that I have for you, the bond we had from you living in utero for 9 months would have been enough while I was trying to get it together. I simply didn't want you to suffer, not for one minute, so I made the plan and I cried a million tears, today I still cry those same tears. 17 years ago those tears were for what I knew I was going to miss, today they are tears for what I KNOW I have missed. You have grown into such a wonderful young man and from the few emails I have receieved thus far, you have a good heart. I am very proud of who you have become, but I wish you would give me a chance to show you who I have become. I am much the same person I was 17 years ago, though I do see things much differently today than I did then. I love you now, I loved you then, make no mistake about that, but today, today I realize just how big the mistake of placing you was. There is a hole in my heart that may never be filled, a hole that I created by not raising you. I am glad that you had a good life, but it isn't anything I couldn't have given you, it would have just been a different life, good, but different. I don't own a million dollar company, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't live in a half a million dollar home, but in this house there is so much love that I am very wealthy! I am blessed to have 4 children who love me without boundaries, with the same intense love I have for them and for you. The chance for us to find that love was taken away from us, by your mom, from her insecurities.See, we could have built this relationship for the last 17 years, she took that away from us. I am having a hard time forgiving her for that, I will, but it is hard. I have always respected her, always respected her as your mom, she didn't have the same respect for me. She feared me, feared I would try and take you back.....she wouldn't be wrong in thinking that I loved you so much that I longed to have you back with me, where she was wrong was in thinking that I would have ever caused you the pain of having to go through something so awful, aside from the fact that legally there was nothing I could have done 7 years post placement of you. I made that awful decision, I regret it to this day, but I would never disturb your life, I love you that much that I continue, 17 years later to sacrifice my heart and my feelings for you to be happy.

I want you to know......I loved you then, I love you now and there is nothing I can do to change the past, I am here when you need me, still loving you.

Forever your first mom,

FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS......I will NOT be sending this, but it was theraputic to write it out!

Could it be that she is pregnant???

So, I checked out M's girlfriends myspace and although it is private I did see her headliner. It says and I quote "Mrs.D Loves Mr.D equals Haley Nathan". Now, I don't know about you, but that reeks of baby names to me and it scares the shit out of me. They are 17 years old, still in HS and so close to what my situation was when I made that agonizing decision 17 years ago. I so hope this is just a girl playing grown up, thinking about being married to him and having his babies and choosing names, but I sure wish I knew if that were the case.

Maybe I should summons the ex to ask in his next email, since they are such good buddies now? ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I am here!

I really can't believe it has been almost a month since I posted last. I guess other than the normal "mom" stuff that I do, nothing much has been post worthy, until tonight.

First I must say "Eli Manning ROCKS!!" I am so excited for The Manning family, how proud the parents of Eli and Peyton must be. So, while we were celebrating the win of the Giants tonight and talking amongst ourselves in this house, thousands of miles away my first son was thinking of his first father and corresponding on how awesome it is that the Manning boys had back to back MVP's and Superbowl wins! Am I jealous? Damn straight I am! Am I still pissed off that I was the one to do the "leg" work in finding him and making contact with his mom so that I could try and build some type of relationship with him, only for first father to have what I long for? Absolutely I am! I am crushed tonight. I am sick and tired of being crushed, I am tired of being patient, I am tired of doing the right thing only to be smacked in the face.

I have emailed him, I have been patient, I am tired. I hate adoption today, I hate ex most everyday, and right now, I am hating myself for making such a stupid decision almost 18 years ago, that is still affecting me today. So, if you pray, pray for me. Pray that God will give me guidance ( DO NOT PRAY FOR ME TO HAVE MORE PATIENCE...LOL)
Pray that he will see me through this and that I can stay strong in my faith that he is going to carry me through this.

(((hugs)))) Hope you are all well!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I am Blessed!

I come here to vent alot about M and the adoption but believe it or not I do know how blessed I am. I have a life outside of adoption. A wonderful husband, 4 really great kids, good friends, all in all a great life. So this post will be about 1 of those 4 great kids.

Fred~ I am so blessed to have a 15 year old teenager that still thinks I am wonderful despite my nagging and the punishments I had out. I have always known that he thinks I "rock" but some days it hits me how much he really thinks of me and how lucky I am to have such a good boy. This morning, like all mornings, he was cranky. He is like his mamma in the sense that he does not do mornings. But today, in his rush to get up and get ready and out the door in under a half an hour, he remembered to hug me tight and tell me he loved me and hopes I have a good day.....this makes my heart feel so full!!I know alot of teenagers, hell, I was one, some are like mine, more aren't. He has such a good heart, my Fred, and I am sooo proud to be his mom and so proud that he is my son!

I love you Son!

Where does the time go?

I seriously thought I had posted a New Year Post, but maybe in the midst of all the "holiday" crap I forgot? Sounds good enough, Ha! Or maybe it is because I have nothing to post about, no emails from M or his mom! He is 17, yadda yadda yadda, I know this....I know that he has a life, that he doesn't sit around obsessing over me, that he doesn't sit around searching adoption sites and giving advice, he is living his life, isn't that what I wanted? SO why the moaning and groaning from me? I just want an email, it isn't to much to ask, he said he would write, so write dammit. I want to know he is ok, not ok in the sense of alive and well but in the sense that he is ok since having heard from me. I need to know that I haven't completely turned his world upside down, that he isn't angry at me and if he is let me try to help. GAH! I don't know, this reunion shit isn't as easy as I was hoping. All the research, all the listening, all the preparation for reunion did not make me ready for this, can you really ever be ready? I don't think so! So I sit and I wait, and I hope he is well!