Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Quick Praise

I have waited 17 years to receive anything from my first son and today, I got it. He emailed me this morning to say Merry Christmas and that he hoped me and my family had a good day, that he would write again soon...The best part of his emails to me are the end, where he says "Love, M" See, he doesn't have to say love, in fact most 17 year old boys that I know, wouldn't. It would be something like "talk to you soon , M" or "Later, M" but he chose Love and it sure feels good! Does it mean he "loves" me, maybe not, but it means something, something good and I LOVE it and I love him! I am so blessed this Christmas and I give all the glory to GOD!

I feel so complete this year, my children, ALL of my children gave me something special this year. Merry Christmas again everyone!!!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry Christmas!!

Ya, Ya, I know, it isn't Christmas yet. We will be so busy the next 2 days though and I wanted to make sure everyone knows how much I appreciate them! This year has been amazing and I plan to recap alot of it before the year ends. Today I have had a few moments of weakness, I am happy. I am. But my emotions are all over the place, whoever said that reunion was hard, nailed it on the head. I haven't received an email yet, I am hoping for a Christmas email...that would be the BEST gift I could get, so Santa if your reading, that is what I want.

Ok, So let me post what I intended to post here. For all of you, you know who you are, that have cried with me, listened to me bitch, encouraged me and rejoiced with me, THANK YOU! I have been so blessed to have each of you in my life, I couldn't have gotten as far as I have without you girls. Many miles separate each of us, but I know I can count on all of you to be there for me anytime I need you and I am so grateful for that. In turn, I hope that each of you know that you can count on me to always be there for you as well. I love you all and I hope that each and everyone of you have a Merry Christmas and that the New Year brings good things for all!!

Chooo FREAKING Choooo! LOL

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Well, it has been almost 2 weeks since that first email from M. I have sent another email to him and I am waiting for his next response. I know he is busy and 17 which likely means I will be patiently waiting for sometime, that is ok. I am OK. Life feels really good right now. I do have to admit that I worry that this email will come and it won't be as good as the last one, it might say "Hey I can't handle this" and I need to prepare for that. But I can't. I will continue to enjoy the feeling I have for now, enjoy this first Christmas with contact and Praise God for it! He has been with me through all of this, he will not forsake me now.

I do feel guilty. Why? Well this will seem contradictory to my previous posts, but I feel guilty that I have contact and I haven't told the ex about it. I want to. I have in the past, and it has come back to bite me. But I know how I have felt in the past, not having contact, and if he feels that pain........Well I just can't wish that pain on my worst enemy and I don't want it for him either. So, I am THINKING of telling him, but I am scared. Scared that he will do something stupid, scared that he will try to email M and scare him off from both of us and then his pain will cause me pain again *sigh* I am still thinking about all of this, I just know that as much of a jerk as I think he has been, he very well may be the reason I have what I have.

Christmas is coming, I think I will send them a Christmas card. His mom still hasn't replied to my email to her, just don't know what to make of that. I want to have a relationship with her, maybe she doesn't feel the same way. I find it somewhat sad, I think it would be much easier on him if we could develop "something" anything, to know that his First Mom and his Mom get along sure seems like it would ease his fears, if he has any, of having a relationship with me.

Well, it is late, I am off to bed. Best wishes for everyone and I hope Santa brings good things to all of you!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Could it really be a positive post????

We have contact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I received an email from M tonight. He is so sweet!! He said he is sure we will talk again soon and that he hopes to hear from me soon and then he said.....
LOVE, M(his name). I can not even begin to say how completely happy and relieved I am! 17 years of waiting for this and honestly it is about 8 years earlier than I ever dreamed of. I will post more tomorrow, I am gonna go read and re-read and re-read my email.......LOL

Love to all of you who have helped see me through all of this!!!

Monday, December 3, 2007

My child is NOT a gift to be given away like a pair of socks!

It has been a long night. Not sure if I can even form a coherent post, but I will give it a try. I checked the ex's myspace tonight and found this:

This has been the best birthday ever , I got a wish and prayer answered after 17 years , A new promotion a great church family and great friends and the best kids ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I found this:

I feel that Adoption is the most wonderful gift for one couple, and the most heartbreaking reality for another, Giving a gift to a couple that otherwise would not be able to have a child, is a selfless act. But by giving them up out of LOVE , is knowing the child will have a brighter future. Eventhough the choice is a very hard one, the child welfair is the main goal. Although the reality is knowing there a child out there that your heart will alway yern for always.

And some times the couple try to stay together but no amount of true love can keep them together!!!! because the feeling and heartbreak of having a child and giving up a child you start to blame the other person !!! It took two people to sign to give up the child (but if one person said no maybe the other one could have changed there mind? The couple that loved, laugh, cried ,and where soul mate forever IS NO MORE ??!!??

First off, let's agree he can not spell or write, mmmmmk! Next let's look at what I see wrong with both sets of "thoughts" from Wonder Daddy. When I read the first one about his best birthday ever, I got a funny feeling that he was in contact with M and it really pissed me off. SO I call him, ask him if he has made contact with M (already knowing that he did a couple months ago) He played dumb, repeated my question, and we played this game for a few minutes before he finally confessed that he did contact him and that M had emailed him back. To say that I am hurt is putting it mildly, as I sit here waiting for a return email from M myself. Then to know that Wonder Daddy didn't share this email with me hurts me as well, because, well, I shared all the information that I worked 10 long years, all by myself to get ,with him. How I long to see his words even in typed formation, and he couldn't share that with me??? I am devestated, I did it the right way, I contacted his mom and she in turn was able to ask him if he wanted to hear from me. I put him in the driver's seat, his bfather disregarded all the right things and went in head strong and he comes out with an email. Can someone tell me what is wrong with this picture??

The second thing, MY child was not a gift to J&D. He wasn't a cool pair of shoes, he wasn't a cute pair of socks, HE WAS A BABY in need of a home. I hate that, but it is the truth. Wonder Daddy thinks this is the best thing he has ever done, he is a hero. He gave a childless couple a baby (though he forgets they already had adopted one and J had 2 kids from a previous marriage, or hmm, maybe he didn't know that since he wouldn't get to know them or meet them) HE gave them a gift. Funny, I didn't feel like I was giving them a gift, I felt like I had just ripped my heart out and handed it to them.

Apparently now, in his tiny little brain, he blames me. If one person had said no, then maybe the other would have changed their mind? Hmmm, funny, The way I see it was, Maybe if someone had taken responsibility for their actions, stepped up to the plate and been the dad M needed him to be, I wouldn't have been scared to death that I would have to raise a child on my own. Neither here nor there, but I didn't do it alone and neither did he, sure seems like he wants me to take the blame.

Not today Wonder Daddy, Not TODAY.

Fresh out of Patience

I have been patient for 10 years. I have waited for the right time to contact my bson and he decided now was the time, so I did, and what has it done to me? It has made me crazy, crazier than I was, hush. I wake up looking for an email, I constantly check email all day long, I sit here night after night, knowing he is online, waiting for something, anything. I have nothing. Wait, I have something, I have anger.

I am angry at his mom. For the last 10 years I told myself "she did not do this intentionally" and now, I know that she did do it intentionally. I would be content with saying "No biggie, stuff happens, we can move on now" IF she would do the right thing now, and she isn't. I emailed her the same day I emailed M, he hasn't responded becasuse 1. He is 17 2. He is 17 and 3. he is 17. She is 60, what is her excuse? I don't want to hear "busy", "scared", "guilty" I just don't. I am a mother to 4, a wife, a secretary, a moderator for a very busy adoption site, a cabbie, need I go on...and I make time to email her. It would be nice to have gotten an email from her letting me know how M "dealt" with my email to him, but then she isn't looking like such a nice person these days.

I am also angry because this is her fault. We wouldn't have this big "reuinion" if she had kept her word. She didn't. I can not change it. But, sheesh, can you try to right a wrong? *sigh( What is she teaching him? That you can deceive people and it is ok? That you can hurt people and it is no big deal? That you do what you have to, to get what you want and it doesn't matter who you hurt along the way??

I am frustrated tonight, I am going to bed. Pray for me, pray she will dig deep and find some compassion and at least let me know how he is dealing with all of this.