We Went, We Saw, We HATED Chicago

We are back! I wouldn't live in Chicago for all the money in the world! Now, I am not saying that the people there were not friendly, they were. But the TRAFFIC, OMG, It was awful! I have never seen so many people speed, weave in and out of traffic, and fight to be first at the toll as I did this weekend. The streets are funky and I got lost more times than I care to share with you all! I should mention that the person reserving our rooms for the team managed to find the furthest hotel from the baseball field, so I am sure that the fact we had to drive clear across the freaking world to get there played a part in the "getting lost" and "hating the way people drive" feeling from me. The boys had a great time! They won the first game, lost the next 2 and that sent us home and praise Jesus it did. I could not have spent another night there. We didn't see much more than a few stores, restaraunts and the inside of our hotel room. We swam, sat in the hot tub, ate some pretty good food and watched the boys run through the halls annoying other guests.

While on my trip (remember my mom went with us) I learned a few things;
1. Apparently I can not drive at 37 (this said because my mother was constantly reminding me of my speed, to watch out!, and be careful!)
2. She knows more than I and isn't afraid to tell me despite embarassing me in front of 13 other couples.
3. Kids do not care if you are sitting in the hot tub trying to relax, they will still enjoy throwing cold water from the pool in on you and try to get the funniest reaction possible.
4. That it is possible to put 13 boys together and have a good time even when you lose your games!

I am so glad Q had the opportunity to travel with this team, we have a great group of boys who played well in the games and were good losers! Baseball is over now until the end of August when we start Fall Baseball, we will gain some new kids, lose a few, but for now I am just gonna sit back and enjoy the next 4 weeks!!

You GAVE me a title and NOW you tell me how I FEEL???

I am on a rampage this week, ignorance is following me and I am not sure why? Not only have I been told what title I hold and what I should be called in reference to my fisrt born son, but now I am being told that there is NO way that I should feel as I do, NO way that I could have possibly been made to feel like I had to place. Um, Excuse me, were you there? Have you been there? NO! I was not FORCED to place my child in the way that you force something, no one took my hand and signed the papers, BUT, Society told me along with the agency that my child needed a 2 parent home, with financially stable parents and what a great person I was to think of him first and do what was best for him. I was best for him, I just didn't know it, know why I didn't know it, I had no one telling me so. YOu have heard me preach it a million times over, ONE PERSON, JUST ONE, to have told me that I could have done it, but they didn't, they encouraged me, not MADE me but encouraged me and they used wonderful words like, Gift, happy, healthy, loving families, better life,etc. So for those that say "No one can make you do something you don't want to do" I say think again and look around ya, it happens EVERYDAY!

Chicago~Here we come!

We are leaving in the morning to go to Chicago! Q has a baseball tournament, we will return on Sunday if he loses and if he wins we will stay and play in the Championship game on Monday, I am Excited! I am excited because it is "family time" we will also be doing other things besides baseball and I am always happy to show the kids new places. As a child my mom took us to The Sears Tower, we shopped, we loved Chicago! I will be able to share that not only with my children and hubby this weekend, but Mom will be joining us as well, FUN! Sooooo, this brings me to my favorite subject.....ADOPTION. My son will not share this weekend with me, I will not be able to say "we went to Chicago and had a great time" with him, I have never seen him play baseball (though I do have an awesome picture of him in his uniform) . I am saddened by this realization, it is just another "family" activity where I feel a part of my "family" is missing, I always have and I always will miss him more during these special moments. My thoughts during this weekend as I watch my children in the excitement of Chicago, will wander back to "what he is doing" "Where he is for the weekend" I love him and I miss him, OH I LOVE HIM!

First mom, Natural mom, Birth mom, Real mom, Biological mom, what do you want to be?

Titles! It seems that no matter what you call yourself in this world of adoption someone is pissy about it. There is much controversy right now about the term First mom. I prefer it, haven't always but I do now, why you ask? I was labeled a birthmom when I placed my son for adoption, a label I didn't ask for, a label I was given. Yes I gave birth to him, but before I gave birth I made decisions based on what was in the best interest of him, making sure that I stayed healthy, so he stayed healthy, making sure that when he made his arrival into this big world he would have every opportunity to be the best that he could be, even if that meant it wasn't with me. I made the FIRST parental decision for him and that was to find a family to raise him,love him and provide for him, I was told my love wasn't going to be enough. So I did what any caring mother would do for her child, I made a plan, a plan for him to be adopted by people who could do what I was told I couldn't. I was the FIRST to see him, I was the FIRST to love him, I was the FIRST to touch him, I was the FIRST to make a decision concerning him, does any of this mean that his mom is unimportant or 2nd best? Never! She has her own set of firsts with him, and I completely respect that, when I speak of her it is never with a qualifier, she is his MOM. It honestly saddens me that I need a qualifier of First mom, as I am his mom as well, but to make things simpler I do.

Birth mom doesn't work for me anymore and it never will again, No one can make me feel like the only thing I did for my child was give him life, I provided him with life and gave him the opportunity to have a life. I was the FIRST to make that happen.

To the adoptive parents out there that I have offended by this post, reach a little deeper within yourselves and find some security in your ability to be a parent, a mom, a dad to your child. What I want to call myself should have no affect on you if you are secure in your role as a parent. I do not wish to be called First mom because I think your second, or that I am better than you. It is because I was not an incubator, I did what I felt I had to do at that time out of PURE LOVE for my unborn child, my child for 9 months, I was his First Mom and I will always be his FIRST MOM, not his only, not his last, but his FIRST!!!!

Lesson's Learned

This is a song by Carrie Underwood, for me, the words hit home.

"There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get threw the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past.
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons leanred.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I'd get through the night,
From Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

I can't change the past, I can only move forward and learn from the mistakes I have made. I have. It is hard to come to terms with some of the things I have done, but I have. Each and every "mistake" I have made, I have learned something from, each and every situation has molded me into who I am. Are there still things I am working on, sure, but I know that God has led me down this path for a reason and I know that he will carry me when I am not strong enough to do it on my own, I know it because he told me so.

Missing dad!

It has been 7 years today since my dad passed away. I miss him! We had a rough relationship, many years of anger and resentment coming from both sides. But 2 short years before he passed away, we made amends. I truly attribute the mending of our relationship to God. I believe he knew that I could not go on in this world after my dad passed away if things had not been "right" between us. I forgave him for his shortcomings and he forgave me for mine, I am thankful and I am blessed to have had the last 2 years of his life with him. My biggest regret in it all is that my children really never knew grandpa, and grandpa really never got to be the grandpa to them that he wanted to be. I do tell them stories about him from my younger days, I tell them that even though he didn't live long enough to make many memories, I know he loved them and is looking down on them with a smile.

My brother got married last Saturday for the first time, it was bittersweet, but Dad was missing from it. It was never discussed, but I know that my brother was thinking of him too. My dad wasn't invited to my wedding, at the time he was being hard-headed (hmm..wonder where I get it?) Funny how it wasn't until my brother's wedding that it hit me how stupid we were, how much we missed out on, how short life can be. He is gone now, and nothing I can do will bring him back, or change the past. What I can do is learn from our mistakes,I will do everything humanly possible to keep my relationship with my children the way God intended for it to be. I will keep the doors of communication open, I will cherish them, I will make memories and I will always be there!

Dad, I love you and I miss you!

Are First Mom's Really "Made" to place?

In light of a recent conversation on the forums I belong to, I have been thinking of this all day. I was not forced, per say, to place my son. However, looking back on the events that led me to place, I believe that society made me feel pressured to place. I was not married, I did not have a job, I was young, I was led to believe that money was what it took to be a good mom and to raise a happy child. How wrong those thoughts are! I know love doesn't put food on the table, but there are ways to make sure they are fed, clothed and a roof over there heads. There are services out there for single mom's to make it. You don't have to be wealthy to parent your child, they don't have to have the best of the best. Now I am not saying that we don't obviously want the best of the best for our children, we want (or should want) to be able to provide for our children without the services of the government, but to know that it is temporary help and that most times it is that "extra help" that can really get us on our feet and on our way to parenting our children the way we are conditioned by society to do.

The second issue of the conversation is that "we" as First Parents are blaming our parents, others, for having to place our children. I don't blame anyone except the agencies that these young women go to and are not given adequate info to make an informed choice. I have blogged about this, I have beaten my head against a wall a million times over about this. If agencies were made to tell these girls that X and Y are available to you, that most times financial issues are temporary, that even young girls can make good mom's, that you will grieve, not for a year but possibly for the rest of your life over what you will miss, I believe that we may have less women coming back years after placement regretting what they didn't know, what they weren't informed of.

I made a "choice" I made a "decision" I did it all by myself, I could have made another choice, another decision, but when I went to the only place I knew to get help, I was told "You should consider adoption, it is a wonderful option for you" "He will grow up in a nice home, with a nice family, with everything he needs" "It is nearly impossible for a single young girl to parent a child, unless you put him in daycare and let them raise him".......BLAME? I blame them, the agency for making my choice for me, they painted it rosey, they made me believe I couldn't do it, and made me believe he would have a better life with out me........BULLSHIT!

Want a baby.....apparently 18,000.00 might get you one!

I am so pissed off right now I could spit!! It seems that there is a "person", I will not call her a woman as she isn't fit to be anything in society if you ask me, that claims she wants to adopt, yet the agency she gave her money to is lying and keeping her from it. So tonight I come across a post from her stating that she has offered her best friends cousin $18,000.00 to adopt her baby and she will graciously pay all legal fees on top of that.

WTF! She goes on to say she doesn't know the sex of the baby, but who cares, and maybe the money would sound good to this expecting mom.

OMG, I can not even put into words what I am thinking about this......I mean, baby buying??? That goes against everything we have worked so hard to dispel in the myths of adoption. She has degraded all 3 sides of the triad. Children are not to be bought and sold, they aren't possesions at a garage sale. What would this child grow up and think if he/she found out that there was a price tag hanging from their toe?

I am sick, disgusted and appalled!

More Adoption talk

OK, So I love reading other opinions on adoption and reform. While reading B's blog, I came across this http://www.quietlymothering.com/?cat=28 . This is something I have thought about for many years. She is talking about "parental notification" when a child is considering placement of a child. I think this would be a step in the right direction toward more ethical adoptions.

That brings me to my own situation. I was 19 (an adult, by state law, yet still a scared kid in my heart), facing an unplanned pregnancy, a boyfriend who didn't know his head from a hole in the wall and no family close by. Once the boyfriend and I decided that adoption was something to consider, I called the agency, went alone and discussed it with them. I told them that we had told no one and that b/f never wanted to tell his parents or anyone for that matter. I was afraid to tell my mom for fear that she would want to help me raise him and I wanted a better life for him than one where my mom and I would be arguing over what was best for him and her trying to be mom, etc...I was so confused and really looking back now, I was to overwhelmed to make any life altering decisions at that time. But as I continued to talk to the agency they convinced me that I was doing what was in his best interest and that he deserved the best chance at life that I could give him and adoption was a great option.

Years later it occurred to me that had I gone to my mom, or any family member (or hell, even a friend) I may not be his First Mom and would be his "mommy", but no one encouraged me to tell my family, it was my choice and I was an adult. What they failed to tell me is that without the support of others I didn't make an informed choice rather a hasty decision out of sheer fear and love for my unborn child.

I guess it is a fine line in the world of a 19 year old adult, I am not saying by any means that a woman should need parental permission and no one should be forced to tell anyone that they don't want to tell, but everyone has a right to know there are people out there that may be willing to help and that the fear of the unknown can cause us all to do things we may regret.

So if by chance you are reading this blog and experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, don't hang your head in shame, find some support and make an informed decision, decide if with a little help (sometimes very temporary help) you could and want to raise your child.