Friday, November 30, 2007

It has been 4 days....

Since I wrote and sent the email to M. I knew he wouldn't return a response very quickly, but now I am allowing myself to go places in my mind that I don't need to go. What if he just wanted to hear from me, he might not write back. What if he isn't handling it well? I don't want to be a source of pain for him, it was never my intentions. I know he got it, he has read it and he has logged into Myspace every morning before school since he got it, could he be composing a return email? Could he be re-reading it, trying to read something that isn't there? Did I say to much? Did I not say enough?? I was thinking yesterday that I wish I had invited him to be friends on Myspace but now I feel it is to late, I don't want to push him. I just wish he would give me something, and I guess he kinda did. He and K (his girlfriend) both changed their pics, so I got to see new ones, that was nice. But I want so badly to hear from him, for him to tell me he is ok, to tell me I haven't completely ruined his life by my dreams of being a part of it.

I need Starbucks, I need a freaking EMAIL from a 17 yr old kid who probably has not thought about me since he read it on Monday....*sigh*

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Santa has come to visit...............ME!!

I do believe this could be written as one of the best days of my life thus far!! I received an email on Thanksgiving from M's mom. She was somewhat cold and distant, I was disappointed. Basically she said that she had intentionally let the P.O.Box go out of fear. 7 years after the adoption is finalized and she became fearful of losing him? I don't understand it, but it is what it is. I must admit I was angry, she took a lot away from us in these past 10 years. I will not go any further with these thoughts because I have good news now.................................

He wants contacts!!!!!!!!!!! I received another email today from his mom, she was much nicer and more sincere in this email. She said that they had talked about me and that while he is not ready for f2f contact he would like to correspond with me via My space. OMG, I can not even begin to tell you how excited I am about this. This opens up so many possibilities, I am scared, I am happy, I am FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do I say, where do I begin????? I can not wait to email him, I can not wait for him to email me back!!

CHOOO FREAKING CHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My Pain Is Worse Than Yours.........

This gets so old. Pain is pain, plain and simple. To invalidate someone else's pain to make one feel better does a disservice to all involved. The pain I feel after having my semi-open adoption closed is no more painful than a First mom who has an open adoption with issues. Some may say, well at least an open adoption with issues still means First mom gets to see her child, have communication, mine being closed I get nothing so that must mean my pain is worse. I disagree, I can't feel the pain of the open adoption First mom, I do not walk in her shoes. I acknowledge her pain, empathize with her and just allow her to feel what she feels. In turn, she acknowledges my pain, though she has no idea what my pain feels like, she empathizes and lets me feel what I feel.

How hard is this people? We can all have pain without comparing who's pain is worse. I can only imagine that being infertile must bring some kind of pain for some. I can only imagine that being adopted must bring some kind of pain for some, I will not diminish their pain by trying to convince them that because I hurt they should walk a mile in my shoes and know what real pain is, their pain is real TO THEM, and that is all that matters.

We need to find more compassion in this world, we do. I don't want to feel an adoptive mother's pain, I don't want to feel an adoptee's pain and I wouldn't wish my pain on any one of them. What I do want, I want to acknowledge them, lift them up when I can, give a hug and tell them I don't live their pain but I wish good things for them. WWJD?

Monday, November 12, 2007

What I am Thankful for.......

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I don't have that I easily forget what I do have. I am so thankful first off for my Savior Jesus Christ, without him I wouldn't be where I am today. There have been many trials and tribulations in my life, he sees me through them all. I am thankful for my husband, without his unconditional love and support I couldn't be the wife and mother that I am . He is a blessing not only to me but to my children. How many men at the age of 24 would take on 3 kids that don't belong to them and love them as if they were his own? He is a wonderful father to our son and an awesome step-dad to our children. I am thankful for my children, they are my life. They keep me on my toes, teach me things I never knew they could teach me and I am so very proud of each one of them. It is a blessing to be their mom. I am thankful for my mom, takes a strong woman to raise 2 kids after a divorce. She did it, she struggled, she sacrificed, she worked a lot and today she would tell you that if she could do it all over there are things she would have done differently, I think she did ok. I am proud of my mom.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the knowledge of my First son's whereabouts. To know he is alive and well gives me more than I could ever ask for. I lived 10 years with so many thoughts as to what could have happened to him and his family and now I have the peace of mind of knowing he is right where I left him, with his mom and his sister, alive and well. I am thankful for his family, even in these days that I think they have done me wrong, they have done what I asked them to do, raise him,love him,and make him part of their family....can I really ask for more than this?

There is so much to be thankful for, all we have to do is look around.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I have to see this movie!

August Rush
I found this through Jenna's blog and I am telling you, I need to see it. The trailer moved me to tears, I can only imagine what the movie as a whole will do.

It comes out in theaters November 21st, go see it and let's talk about it.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Finding Peace

Things happen in our lives that sometimes require us to find peace. For me that comes in the form of adoption, particularly the placement of my first son. I thought I had found it, then this past month I realized I hadn't. I am not at peace with it, I regret it, I hate it, not because I regret the parents I chose for him but because I wasn't in a place to parent him. I am not going to talk about my regrets though, if you know me you know my thoughts on that. I want to talk about peace.

To me, peace is accepting what happened, accepting that I can not change the situation, accepting that God has a hand in it all and a plan yet to come. I am not there, I am not at peace. I want to be, I really do, but things aren't where I need them to be to allow my heart a chance to heal. Promises were broken, trust was shattered, friendships were dissolved, anger and hurt are still prevelant, I need to let it go. I can't. I fear becoming bitter and my heart becoming hard, I fear the walls that have been up for years may never come down. Until I can get rid of this anger and hurt I will not find peace in anything that pertains to my adoption journey. I fear that if I continue on the path that I am on I will only suffer more. M will find a First Mom that is bitter and I have spent to many years on trying not to be. This last month and all that has transpired has taken it's toll on me, but it won't win. I will overcome it, I have to.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

*sigh* They say we should "Suck it Up"

I should preface this with "most" of the time people are very supportive of my feelings and emotions surrounding the placement of my First Son. Then sometimes I come across a few that think I need to "suck it up" and deal with it. You see, it was my decision, I had a choice, If I couldn't or wouldn't parent my child then I should just be thankful that someone did.

Well let me tell you this, BALONEY! Choice, what a funny word. Yes I had a choice, in fact I had 3. I could parent, I could place, I could abort. Abortion was out of the question, my heart doesn't allow it, my religion is against it and so that eliminates that choice for me. Parenting was an option, yet one that when I sought out help in my crisis pregnancy, no one encouraged me to do. I was told that my baby deserved the best possible life he could have and since I was single and didn't have tons of money adoption was a wonderful option. Wonderful option for who? For me, I live with the regret of placing him and a year and a half later being in a completly different place in my life and able to be a great parent to him. For him? Maybe, who really knows, he has a good life but who is to say his life wouldn't have been just as wonderful with me and his siblings?

My decision, well last I checked I am not the Virgin Mary and there was no immaculate conception. So that would mean there was another party involved in this decision, the First Father. Some may say "Well if he didn't want to parent, you still could have" and that seems like a simple solution. But again, I heard the voices of the agency workers saying "your child deserves the best", "your child deserves 2 parents that are married and stable", so while it was my decision, I felt like I had no right to make any other decision than the one I made.

As for being "Thankful" for the people who did raise my child when I chose not to or could not? I am thankful that my son was able to be placed into a loving home and to grow up into the man he is becoming. Thankful can go 2 ways here, I could say "The a-parents should be thankful I was able to place my child with them, they may not be parents without me" I would have been far more thankful had someone told me there were resources to help me parent my child for that year and a half I struggled, or if one person had encouraged me to try to parent when I was sobbing and telling them if I held my son I would never be able to let him go, but they didn't. SO tell me, why should I be thankful that my son isn't here with his me and his bio siblings today??

So, you see "suck it up" and deal with it, I have. 17 LONG years of sucking it up and dealing with it and for those of you that can't muster up a bit of compassion for those who felt like they did the best they could and have some hard days emotionally I say , Shame on you!

10 years of Patience, Do I have any left???

So, I sent the letter to D, kept it short and sweet and sent via email. Today is Saturday and that was Tuesday and I haven't heard a word. Not.A.Word. Not a, "Sorry, I am busy will write soon", not a "Sorry, M doesn't want me to talk to you", just nothing. It brings back 10 years ago when I was waiting for a return letter from her and never received one. This time though, I have more info. I know they are ok, I know that there is a possibility that M doesn't want anything to do with me at this time, what I don't know is why it is so hard to drop a quick email to let me know something. I feel the same way about 10 yrs ago, why was it so hard then to drop a letter in the mail explaining that life was hard and when things calmed down she would reconnect. It sucks to be left hanging, it really does. I feel hopeful that she will write but my patience is gone, just gone!