Monday, July 19, 2010

It's been a long time

WOW! Almost 2 years since I have been here. Life got in the way of me blogging and things aren't any slower now. I need a place to get things out, to remember, to process, to find some help and some support so I come back to the trusty old blog. I know many aren't still around but I sure hope to reconnect with some of my old friends.

I have read and kept up with many of you, new babies, new boyfriends, new grand babies...I can't top that but I sure can join in :) After The Bachelorette tonight I will be back here to give an update on the last 2 years of my life and what is going on with the "kid".

Glad to be home!!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tomorrow is the Big 18

I just read through my posts from last year and WOW, I was angry! Not only was I angry, I was severly depressed. I have come so far. Yet, I am still not where I want to be. Are we ever? Will I ever feel whole again? My gut feeling is no! There will always and forever be a missing piece to my family.Yes, someday he may play a bigger part than he does now, but memories are lost and they can never be recaptured. New memories can be made, but the past is the past and as much as I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I can't. It sucks.

I am sitting here reading what I just wrote and it is so ironic to me, would I really want to change the past? Sure it sounds like a dream, the perfect answer, but to change the past would alter my future.....It would alter all things that have happened that are good up until now.

Blah! Think I will go work on M's big 18th birthday letter.

Goodnight ((hugs))

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Just a Rant

I don't even know how to title this post other than to say "Some laws really piss me off". F called me the other night after the homecoming game and asked if I would come and take him and some friends to the movies, buy their tickets for an "R" rated movie, drop them off and be on my way. I agreed after asking if the other boys had permission from their parents to see this movie. We get to the movie theater, I go in to purchase the tickets and to let the theater know that the boys have my permission to see it and I am told that "No, they can not sell the tickets to me for them unless I intend to purchase a ticket for myself and stay to watch it with them". Ok, first off, I DO NOT want to stay with a group of 16 yr old boys to watch a movie, Secondly, when did my parental judgement get taken away from me? If I say he can watch the darn movie, HE CAN watch the movie and to try and make me purchase a ticket and go sit for 2 hours with him is absurd. I could understand more if they wouldn't have allowed me to purchase the tickets for the other boys who were not mine, but to deny me the right to allow MY child to watch a movie that I was ok with??? WTF

I am trying to figure out who to contact for my next support payment on F, seems that someone else wants to parent him????

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's October!

If you know me, you know how dreaded this month has been for 18 years. This year is no different! He will be 18! Where has the time gone? What will this year bring? Will he be more open to contact now? Will things stay exactly as they are? So many questions, so few answers!

I haven't emailed him in a few months, he didn't respond to the last email and I hate feeling as if I am intruding. So, I wait. I will wait until his birthday and then I will try again. Rejection sucks! I just wish we could "connect" and I don't feel like we have. I continue to remind myself of how busy he is, but is he? Or am I kidding myself? Am I not being honest with ME? Should I accept that he doesn't want anything from me? I never got that from his emails, but the lack of response makes me think otherwise.

I am still waiting on the pics his mom said she would send....LMAO.....As if I am surprised! She has said many times she would do things she has never done, why would this be any different?

First post in forever and I am bitchy! Sorry!

Hugs to all!

Monday, July 14, 2008


WOW! I guess I am not very good at blogging? I get so darn busy!! I have random thoughts that I want to come here and blog about, I try to, but for whatever reason I get sidetracked and I never make it. Forgive me?

So, what has happened in 2 months? On the adoption front, NOTHING. I haven't pushed for anything, I know he has a lot going on with his girl moving off to college, football keeps him so busy and I am sure just enjoying his summer and anticipating his Senior year. I CAN NOT believe he is going to be a Senior, see, time just flies by! Ask me if I felt that 18 years has flown by, NOT! Seems like a lifetime has gone by since the last time I saw his little face :( I think I will drop him an email tomorrow just to let him know I am thinking of him, ya know sometimes those boys need a little "push".Ironically, he did NOT send his birth father an email on Father's Day, not sure what I think about that. Of course it made me feel special, but it makes me wonder why me and not him?

On the home front, so much has gone on! I had an abscessed tooth, I HATE DENTIST! Lots of pain and fun there, glad it is over. Hubby and I went through a rough patch, we are working on getting back on track, why do men have to be so stupid? I mean really, without going into detail tonight, why do they lie over the dumbest things? Especially mine, he knows he will get caught in the lie, he knows the lie is no big deal and if he would just tell the truth it would be so much easier? Yet, he takes the harder road. Stupid.Just. Stupid.

The kids are enjoying their summer, although Fred broke his thumb in a baseball game, UGH! Of course it couldn't just be a "break" it had to be a "BREAK", scheduled for surgery and everything, ended up not having to have surgery after they got him sedated they were able to move the bone back into place and cast it. We see the doctor once a week to make sure it is healing properly and as of last Thursday it looks like it might be moving a bit out of place, so surgery isn't completely out of the pic yet. He is pissed, wants to play fall baseball and it doesn't look promising. He seems to think, in his "I am invincible and way smarter than the doctor" 15 yr old attitude that he WILL be playing, we will see what the doc has to say about that! Here he is in his cast:

The other kids are doing well, baseball is over for the other boys and Katie will be starting Volleyball soon! School starts on the 13th of August and for the first time in 15 years I will be home alone with no children all day! What will I do with myself you ask? I don't know, but I am sure I will like it whatever it is :-)

So, that is all for tonight, just wanted to let you all know I am alive, just busy! I try to keep up on your blogs, so know that even though I am not commenting much I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best!

Miss you all!!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I have waited 17 LONG years for this............

I got a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY email from M!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe it. It was a good day, I got to sleep in, got some awesome things from my kids, went to see my mom and have lunch with her and then come home to relax for the remainder of the day. Of course, the first thing I did was check my email, NOTHING, to say that I was bummed would be putting it mildly. I was angry and hurt. I know I am not his mom, but the first Mother's Day since reunion and I was hoping that he would send something. So, I focused on relaxing and being thankful for how awesome my parented children are (and of course my hubby too). After bedtime for the kids I come to my computer, start chatting with a friend, check email and there it is!! An email from M, he is busy, focusing on school, hopes I am doing well, he is, and wanted to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and will write again soon and as always his ending "Love, M". I cried, I cried for the past Mother's Days that we missed together, for the future ones I hope to be included in and for the present one that I was so angry about. He completed a perfect Mother's Day for me, don't get me wrong, my kids and my hubby made this day awesome, but for those who know what it feels like to have a child missing from your life on Mother's Day, well you know, it's all good now! There is peace in my heart tonight!

I love that kid so much!!

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

Happy Mother's Day

What a bittersweet day this is for me. I have 4 really great kids right here with me, who love me unconditionally, who have already given me homemade gifts, a rose, a new pair of jammies to wear all day on Mother's Day (LOL, I might need to get dressed to go to mom's) and who will have more gifts of love when I wake in the morning, yet I am sitting here sad tonight.

So sad that I can't even get it into words. I think there is 1 thing that may make all the difference in how tomorrow goes and how unfair to my children is that? I will make an effort to be happy tomorrow, I know how much it means to them. But dammit, it's hard.

I am off for tonight, maybe more tomorrow. Happy Mother's Day to you all, no matter how you came to be one, even if you won't get to spend the day with your child, you deserve to be honored, take care of you today!