Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Prayers for my son

This blog entry isn't about M, it is about Fred. The prayers are for him and for the friend he lost yesterday. Prayers are needed for 2 parents who will bury their dear son on Thursday, a life lost at the tender age of 15. My hurt aches tonight for my son, for all of his friends that are feeling the loss, for the parents of this child. I can't fathom having to deal with my child committing suicide, infact, it is killing me to think about it. Have I always said the right things? Do my kids know that no problem is to big to come to me with? Have I instilled in them the value of life? Do they know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how devestating suicide is to those of us left behind in this world? I love my children, this is a huge fear! Unfortunately not a fear I think about daily, until this happened. Now, here I sit, worrying, not because I am not an awesome mom, I am, I know that. But did B's mom think the same thing? Did she think that it couldn't happen to her child? Were there signs she missed? He left a note, he failed a random drug test (all of our athletes have them randomly done) he was afraid what his parents would do to him, does my Fred think that? He passed his, but I am not naive enough to believe that it might not just be a failed random drug test, it could be the break up of a girlfriend, it could be being cut from the baseball team, a number of things push our kids of today to think that they can't handle life and for some, the answer is suicide, HOW do I keep it from being one of mine? I love them with all I have, I try to reiterate that I am always here and that no problem is to big that together as a family we can't get through, but is it enough?

Thursday will be a tough day for Fred, this is the first friend he has ever lost and it breaks my heart that he has lost him at 15. 15, too young...please keep everyone in your prayers!!

Monday, February 4, 2008

For M

My Dearest M,

In my previous emails I have tip-toed around all the things I really want to say to you, so today I will put it all out there.

Son, I have loved you from the day I knew you were in my womb. There hasn't been a day in 17 years that I haven't thought of you, longed to hear your voice, to see your face, to tell you how very much you are loved by your first mom. Yes, I went on to have other children, I love them with all of my heart, just the same as I love you, the difference is that I didn't know I could have parented you, that the intense love for you that drove me to place you, was enough. I was so worried that you wouldn't have the best of the best in material things that I didn't realize that the sound of a familiar voice, the intense love that I have for you, the bond we had from you living in utero for 9 months would have been enough while I was trying to get it together. I simply didn't want you to suffer, not for one minute, so I made the plan and I cried a million tears, today I still cry those same tears. 17 years ago those tears were for what I knew I was going to miss, today they are tears for what I KNOW I have missed. You have grown into such a wonderful young man and from the few emails I have receieved thus far, you have a good heart. I am very proud of who you have become, but I wish you would give me a chance to show you who I have become. I am much the same person I was 17 years ago, though I do see things much differently today than I did then. I love you now, I loved you then, make no mistake about that, but today, today I realize just how big the mistake of placing you was. There is a hole in my heart that may never be filled, a hole that I created by not raising you. I am glad that you had a good life, but it isn't anything I couldn't have given you, it would have just been a different life, good, but different. I don't own a million dollar company, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't live in a half a million dollar home, but in this house there is so much love that I am very wealthy! I am blessed to have 4 children who love me without boundaries, with the same intense love I have for them and for you. The chance for us to find that love was taken away from us, by your mom, from her insecurities.See, we could have built this relationship for the last 17 years, she took that away from us. I am having a hard time forgiving her for that, I will, but it is hard. I have always respected her, always respected her as your mom, she didn't have the same respect for me. She feared me, feared I would try and take you back.....she wouldn't be wrong in thinking that I loved you so much that I longed to have you back with me, where she was wrong was in thinking that I would have ever caused you the pain of having to go through something so awful, aside from the fact that legally there was nothing I could have done 7 years post placement of you. I made that awful decision, I regret it to this day, but I would never disturb your life, I love you that much that I continue, 17 years later to sacrifice my heart and my feelings for you to be happy.

I want you to know......I loved you then, I love you now and there is nothing I can do to change the past, I am here when you need me, still loving you.

Forever your first mom,

FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS......I will NOT be sending this, but it was theraputic to write it out!

Could it be that she is pregnant???

So, I checked out M's girlfriends myspace and although it is private I did see her headliner. It says and I quote "Mrs.D Loves Mr.D equals Haley Nathan". Now, I don't know about you, but that reeks of baby names to me and it scares the shit out of me. They are 17 years old, still in HS and so close to what my situation was when I made that agonizing decision 17 years ago. I so hope this is just a girl playing grown up, thinking about being married to him and having his babies and choosing names, but I sure wish I knew if that were the case.

Maybe I should summons the ex to ask in his next email, since they are such good buddies now? ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I am here!

I really can't believe it has been almost a month since I posted last. I guess other than the normal "mom" stuff that I do, nothing much has been post worthy, until tonight.

First I must say "Eli Manning ROCKS!!" I am so excited for The Manning family, how proud the parents of Eli and Peyton must be. So, while we were celebrating the win of the Giants tonight and talking amongst ourselves in this house, thousands of miles away my first son was thinking of his first father and corresponding on how awesome it is that the Manning boys had back to back MVP's and Superbowl wins! Am I jealous? Damn straight I am! Am I still pissed off that I was the one to do the "leg" work in finding him and making contact with his mom so that I could try and build some type of relationship with him, only for first father to have what I long for? Absolutely I am! I am crushed tonight. I am sick and tired of being crushed, I am tired of being patient, I am tired of doing the right thing only to be smacked in the face.

I have emailed him, I have been patient, I am tired. I hate adoption today, I hate ex most everyday, and right now, I am hating myself for making such a stupid decision almost 18 years ago, that is still affecting me today. So, if you pray, pray for me. Pray that God will give me guidance ( DO NOT PRAY FOR ME TO HAVE MORE PATIENCE...LOL)
Pray that he will see me through this and that I can stay strong in my faith that he is going to carry me through this.

(((hugs)))) Hope you are all well!