Thursday, April 24, 2008

How does Semi-Open Adoption benefit the Adoptee

This post is in regards to TG'S Post as I felt that I couldn't really address it there without writing a book. So here we go!

I entered into a semi-open adoption with my birth son's parents for him. NEVER once was it about me, I had no desire to do anymore than sign the papers saying he would be theirs forever. After much talk between the agency and myself, I did decide it would be beneficial to him to have some sort of contact. How would writing to his mom be beneficial? I would keep her informed of the changes in my medical history, I would keep her updated on the things going on in my life, I would send pictures of myself for him to be able to look at over the years, I would be able to let her know where birth father was and how he was doing if the need ever came up because he did NOT want to be a part of their lives, I would be able to let her know that birth son had more siblings as they came along. So you ask, how is that beneficial to him? For one, he would never have to ask "Who do I look like?" He would never have to wonder "Why did she place me?" He would know why he has headaches that have now been diagnosed as Arachnoid cysts, He wouldn't have to spend countless hours and money to search if he so chose to do so and HE would have a say in how much contact we had as he grew up. Yes I suppose in OA he would also have the option of saying "this is to much for me, back off" but I feel that would be much easier to do in a semi-open adoption where it could be done via a letter versus having to sit down and look me in the face and say "I don't want you in my life right now" which IMO would be hard for a kid to do.

As a First mom in what was a Semi-OA, I can tell you, I cried, worried, stressed, got physically ill EVERY TIME I wrote a letter. Was I saying the right thing? Did I overstep my boundaries? Did I include enough info, too much? Can they read through my words how much I care and love him? Do they understand how important all of this is to me? No, I didn't have to physically leave him over and over again, but everytime I sent a letter it was a reminder of what I was missing. Everytime I received a letter about him hitting milestones it was a reminder of what I was missing. I didn't seem him face to face, but it was just as hard to see him through pictures knowing he was growing up without me. Seeing that big boy that he was becoming and knowing I had nothing to do with that, but also knowing that the older he got the more he "might" want to know more about me.

I am rambling, but I can tell you this, I DO NOT CARE what ANYONE in society belives, thinks about OA or Semi-OA but for this MOM it was never about me, not one time!

I am not totally sold on OA, although I know it is working out for some and I think that is great, but even today, 17 years later, I am not sure I could have done it or even would have done it. Maybe someday I will live to regret it, hell maybe I am now.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Invitation Accepted!!

One of my cyber-sisters and a dear friend is having a rough time with the amom of her bdaughter and has invited some of her cyber friends to write a letter to amom, these will not be sent but it does our heart good to get it out so that we can continue to be supportive of her during these hard times. Others have written some really good letters, I do not write eloquently, but I wanted cyber friend to know that I gave it thought and put it in my words the best I can with her in my mind, so here it is.

Dear AM, There are so many things that I think you need to know about me, things I wish I could have communicated over the phone to you but you were to busy to make the time to do what you said you would do. You have left me no other choice than to tell you in this email what I think you may not know. First, I am here, for life, not for you not for me but for M. This is not about you or me, it is about M. If you will keep M and her best interest at heart at all times, we will have no need to continue having this conversation over and over until she reaches the age in which she can make the decisions on her own, without your negative vibes influencing her. Now that I have reiterated that M is the only one that matters here and that I am not going anywhere, I would like to discuss what it is we are going to do to ensure that M knows that I am a part of her and that I love her and that I will always be here for her in whatever way she needs me to be. You can not be trusted AM, you have proven this to me by your lack of response to the things that are important to me concerning M. The card I sent for her B-day, why did you not acknowledge that? You knew that was important to me, yet you dismissed it as if it were nothing. The busy excuse just doesn't work for me anymore, I am busy as well but I make time for the important things in my life, M is important to me. Did you give her the card? I want this to be her decision, not yours, we have been making decisions for her for 16 years, don't you think it is time she has some input? I was hoping to hear that you handed her the card (as it was for her) and let her choose whether or not she wanted to open it or stuff it in a drawer for a later date, when she was ready, not when you are ready. I am not some stranger that sent a card to your daughter, I am the reason she is yours to begin with and if she sees me as a stranger I can thank you for that. Children learn by example, I hope that M doesn't see how flaky you are through other actions in your life since surely she doesn't know you told me you would call and then were to "busy" to do so. I have dreams and hopes for M, I have had those since the day she was born and I am sure you have to, I just wonder if we have those same hopes and dreams for her? I hope she is happy, loved, secure in who she is and where she came from. I worry that you hope she is happy, loved and remembers who made her who she is and I don't think you include me in these thoughts.

I am sad for how things are turning out, again, not for me, but for M. I hope soon, we can work this all out for M.

Cyber friend and sista~ I love ya and I am so sorry that things are the way they are. Keep being who you are and doing what you do, your love for your daughter shines through it all! (((hugs))

Monday, April 21, 2008

I've been Tagged.......

Apparently since I have been silent about my weight loss and elliptical progress a dear sweet cyber friend Becky decided this would be a great way to hear from me, so she wants to hear 6 random things about me, here we go!

1) I love to read! Janet Evanovich is my fav author and life stops when she publishes a new book. She is a very talented writer and her books are absolutely hilarious to read. Love, Love, Love her. I once stood at Barnes & Noble for 5 hours just to meet her and get an autographed copy of one of her books!

2) I love being at home. There is alot of truth to what Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz said "There's no place like home". My friends all like to go out, shop, meet for lunch, meet for girls day out but me, I like being home. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE TO SHOP, but for the most part, home is good! I even married a homebody like me, we just love being at home.

3) I love reality TV! The Bachelor, Big Brother, American Idol, are among the many shows I really like to watch. Maybe it is because I can visually see that dysfunction doesn't just live in my house...LMAO!!!

4) In general, I do not like women! I have had such bad experiences with girlfriends,the backstabbing, 2-faced kind. My heart is very guarded when it comes to making friends with females.However, with that said, I am VERY fortunate to have some awesome cyber girlfriends that I wouldn't trade for the world!!

5) I like to bowl and I am pretty good at it. Hubby and I bowl in a league once a week, this is our night out, see I told you we are exciting people..LOL

6) And the 6th random thing about me.....I really wanted 6 kids when I was younger. I have 5, parent 4 and can NOT imagine life with 6 kids. What was I thinking????

OK, there you have it. You can now officially say you know one of the most boring people in the world. I am going to TAG.....Michellebecause I think she forgot how to blog ! Leigh because she needs more fun in her life :-) Jennabecause having 2 kids isn't keeping her busy enough and last but not leastB because like Jenna she just isn't busy enough!!

Sunday, April 13, 2008


In 1 week I have lost a total of 5 lbs. WHOOOOO!!! OK, so I know I won't lose that every week, but man I needed to see that on the scales today. Late night desires for snacks are still getting to me, I don't give in, but sure do want to! So that is my biggest battle right now.I am on the second week of my walking regimen, started today.It is hard. My legs are so sore tonight and my family has had much fun at my expense. I also took pics today for later comparison. I am a visual person, so I will need to be able to look back and see the weight gone! OK, gotta get to bed seems to be the easiest way to stay away from snacking..LOL

Brown~ 20 minutes on the elliptical today~~GO ME!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Day 3 Feeling Good!

Ok, NO this will not turn into a blog about my new healthy life. BUT, for now, yep that is what it is! Today I walked twice, once this morning and again this evening. It relaxes me, gives me time to think about things and a welcomed break from the kids being home on Spring Break. I drank 80 oz. of water today and wrote down all of what I ate for the day. I will share.....small bagel with tsp. cream cheese for breakfast, broccoli with butter salt for lunch, some grapes in between lunch and dinner, 4oz. steak, baked potato with a tsp. butter and more broccoli for dinner. I feel totally full and have yet to feel the need to run grab the bag of Doritos..LOL. I need suggestions for what I am going to do on Thursday when it rains all day??? I will not walk in the rain (yes, I would melt, I am made out of sugar ya know). I have an Elliptical machine, isn't that for hanging clothes on though?? No, really, I hate it! My feet hurt when I am on it, it seems so long and boring, so help me! OK, so maybe a little pain and extra time would be OK, or not?

Day 2 of Getting Healthy

I love this program! It totally motivates me to get my butt moving. I also found someone to do it with me, that makes it sooo much easier. What I like best is that I walk a total of 20 minutes... walk 5 minutes, stop, do 15 of these exercises, walk 10 minutes, stop, do 30 exercises, walk 5 more minutes getting you home. Once your home you do 1 minute of "reeds" and your done! Of course that is this week and next week gets harder, still only 20 minutes of actual walking, continuing the exercises I am dong and add in squats, the third week even harder. But I am determined and I will post my weight loss once a week. I am drinking my water, watching what I eat and trying to steer clear of snacking to much. I already feel better, just knowing I am doing something. Maybe I won't dread summer and bathing suit season quite so much :-)

Monday, April 7, 2008

Getting Healthy

I don't talk about this often, but today I am going to. My weight is such an issue for me. I am heavier right now than I have ever been in my life. So while standing in the check-out line at the grocery, I saw a magazine called "First" and in big bold letters it said "Walk OFF 96% More Fat" Well let me tell you, 5 years ago I had some left over "baby" weight and to get it off I start walking 2 miles a night. It worked! I lost inches, weight and I felt so good about me and then I began to get depressed over M and I gained it all back and then some, er, alot. So, today, I vowed to get to steppin...I am going to get the weight off, be healthier for my kids and hubby and feel better about me. I am following the article in the magazine versus walking my usual 2 miles as it makes more sense to do what it says. Kim Lyons from "The Biggest Loser" outlines how to do this 3 week walking, exercise program to boost your metabolism and help you lose weight and tone your muscles as you are doing it.

Now, this is where you all come in, I NEED SUPPORT! I really need an accountability person, but since you all are not here and I could lie to you, LOL, just an occasional pop in would help greatly. I love food! Really love it! So, the walking and exercise will not be a problem however, passing on the foods that are bad for me and the stress eating that I do, will be. Anyone have any suggestions on how to keep from eating when I am stressed, pass them on.

Oh food. Go Away. Just for a little while??

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Dale Jr. 88

Oh Dale! For those that don't know, I LOVE Dale Jr. Nascar is ok, but I love me some Dale. You may ask, What is it about Dale that I love? Well, it isn't that he is HAWT, because really, he isn't what I consider HAWT, rather I think he is just so damn cute I could, uhm, well, I love him! The past 6 years have been tough for Dale, with the loss of his daddy and then having to deal with his witch of a step-mom and all things dealing with DEI, I am so glad that he is now with Hendricks where he WILL succeed. He has the pole for tomorrow, sure would love to see him give Hendricks their first win of the year!! If you don't know anything about him, check him out. You don't have to like Nascar to love Dale,just a good guy, a guy you would be proud for your daughter to bring home to you. GO #88!!!! WHOOOOO!

I am OK, is that a bad thing?

So, I have been thinking alot about why I am so calm about the lack of contact from M. Surely I should be upset and devestated that I have not heard from him since C-mas, right? Now, don't get me wrong, I think about it, I make up crazy reasons in my mind as to why there is a lack of contact, I even get upset occasionally, but I work hard at not letting it consume my daily life. But, but, then I get upset that I am not upset, that there are days when it just doesn't matter, that it is what it is. I reflect back on the 10 years of not knowing if he was dead or alive, I remember that there were days that I was devestated and then there were days where "it is what it is" so maybe it is a way of protecting myself? Maybe it is my way of dealing with it? But I worry so much about becoming emotionally unattached to it all and honestly, some days, I just get tired of caring. It hurts. Maybe it always will. I know he is young, I know he is consumed with all the things kids his age are supposed to be consumed with, maybe that is why I am ok most days, because I finally know that he is alive, healthy, and doing what he is suppose to be doing at this time in his life. So, with all this knowledge I claim to have, why do I still feel guilty for being ok? Not that I want to go back to being the whine bag that I was when I didn't know where he was, but will I grow cold? Will my heart learn to live without him and be ok with it? I don't want to be ok, being ok seems to say "I don't care" and I do care. I do.

So, tonight, I miss him, I love him and I want to remind myself that 17 yrs ago I said I would always care, I would always be here and I will. I Promise.