Monday, February 4, 2008

For M

My Dearest M,

In my previous emails I have tip-toed around all the things I really want to say to you, so today I will put it all out there.

Son, I have loved you from the day I knew you were in my womb. There hasn't been a day in 17 years that I haven't thought of you, longed to hear your voice, to see your face, to tell you how very much you are loved by your first mom. Yes, I went on to have other children, I love them with all of my heart, just the same as I love you, the difference is that I didn't know I could have parented you, that the intense love for you that drove me to place you, was enough. I was so worried that you wouldn't have the best of the best in material things that I didn't realize that the sound of a familiar voice, the intense love that I have for you, the bond we had from you living in utero for 9 months would have been enough while I was trying to get it together. I simply didn't want you to suffer, not for one minute, so I made the plan and I cried a million tears, today I still cry those same tears. 17 years ago those tears were for what I knew I was going to miss, today they are tears for what I KNOW I have missed. You have grown into such a wonderful young man and from the few emails I have receieved thus far, you have a good heart. I am very proud of who you have become, but I wish you would give me a chance to show you who I have become. I am much the same person I was 17 years ago, though I do see things much differently today than I did then. I love you now, I loved you then, make no mistake about that, but today, today I realize just how big the mistake of placing you was. There is a hole in my heart that may never be filled, a hole that I created by not raising you. I am glad that you had a good life, but it isn't anything I couldn't have given you, it would have just been a different life, good, but different. I don't own a million dollar company, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't live in a half a million dollar home, but in this house there is so much love that I am very wealthy! I am blessed to have 4 children who love me without boundaries, with the same intense love I have for them and for you. The chance for us to find that love was taken away from us, by your mom, from her insecurities.See, we could have built this relationship for the last 17 years, she took that away from us. I am having a hard time forgiving her for that, I will, but it is hard. I have always respected her, always respected her as your mom, she didn't have the same respect for me. She feared me, feared I would try and take you back.....she wouldn't be wrong in thinking that I loved you so much that I longed to have you back with me, where she was wrong was in thinking that I would have ever caused you the pain of having to go through something so awful, aside from the fact that legally there was nothing I could have done 7 years post placement of you. I made that awful decision, I regret it to this day, but I would never disturb your life, I love you that much that I continue, 17 years later to sacrifice my heart and my feelings for you to be happy.

I want you to know......I loved you then, I love you now and there is nothing I can do to change the past, I am here when you need me, still loving you.

Forever your first mom,

FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS......I will NOT be sending this, but it was theraputic to write it out!


Valerie said...

I found your blog through an adoption forum and just wanted to say thank you so much! I am a young parent who's been struggling with some things lately and this post made me feel like I'm doing the white thing. Thanks so much and may peace be with you!


zxczxcasdasd said...

It does feel good to stop censoring yourself, doesn't it? Glad you have this safe place to be completely honest.


Brown =) said...

Wow, I think I'm going to cry. Beautiful. And I KNOW that felt good to get it out. I love blogs for that very reason =)

Love you!!

lhjh4 said...


Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog the other night and I just wanted to tell you that your letter really touched me. See I was adopted and I haven't been able to locate my first family. You have given me insight into the heart of a first mother (I love that by the way- so much better then BM) and my first mother. I know in my heart that she loves me too and thinks about me as much as I do her. Good luck to you and your son.