Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tomorrow is the Big 18

I just read through my posts from last year and WOW, I was angry! Not only was I angry, I was severly depressed. I have come so far. Yet, I am still not where I want to be. Are we ever? Will I ever feel whole again? My gut feeling is no! There will always and forever be a missing piece to my family.Yes, someday he may play a bigger part than he does now, but memories are lost and they can never be recaptured. New memories can be made, but the past is the past and as much as I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I can't. It sucks.

I am sitting here reading what I just wrote and it is so ironic to me, would I really want to change the past? Sure it sounds like a dream, the perfect answer, but to change the past would alter my future.....It would alter all things that have happened that are good up until now.

Blah! Think I will go work on M's big 18th birthday letter.

Goodnight ((hugs))

9 comments:

Michelle said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I know that one day M will play a bigger role in your life. It is hard to imagine what the future holds, but for me, nothing I imagined even compares to what I've got. You are right about changing things, to change the past would alter the future, and all those experiences and our journey up until now makes us who we are today. I love ya, and miss ya...(((((hugs)))))

Cristy said...

I read bits and pieces of your blog. I am also a birthmother, and have a blog. I like how you have made it about your family, and not just adoption issues. I have two seperate blogs. I am not at a place in my life when I feel as if I can combine the two. Thanks for sharing

Thanksgivingmom said...

grr....late again.

But hugs all the same <3

Thandi said...

Hmm, you haven't been back since last october.I hope you're fine and nothing nad has happened to you.I also pray that you and M do have the relationship you've hoped for and that his mom will be understanding and willing to get to know you.

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Anonymous said...

insideamothersheart.blogspot.com; You saved my day again.

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Von said...

None of us know what the future holds but hopefully some resolution of the grief and loss relinquishing mothers feel and the effects that has on their lives.
Good wishes.....