Dale Jr. 88

Oh Dale! For those that don't know, I LOVE Dale Jr. Nascar is ok, but I love me some Dale. You may ask, What is it about Dale that I love? Well, it isn't that he is HAWT, because really, he isn't what I consider HAWT, rather I think he is just so damn cute I could, uhm, well, I love him! The past 6 years have been tough for Dale, with the loss of his daddy and then having to deal with his witch of a step-mom and all things dealing with DEI, I am so glad that he is now with Hendricks where he WILL succeed. He has the pole for tomorrow, sure would love to see him give Hendricks their first win of the year!! If you don't know anything about him, check him out. You don't have to like Nascar to love Dale,just a good guy, a guy you would be proud for your daughter to bring home to you. GO #88!!!! WHOOOOO!

I am OK, is that a bad thing?

So, I have been thinking alot about why I am so calm about the lack of contact from M. Surely I should be upset and devestated that I have not heard from him since C-mas, right? Now, don't get me wrong, I think about it, I make up crazy reasons in my mind as to why there is a lack of contact, I even get upset occasionally, but I work hard at not letting it consume my daily life. But, but, then I get upset that I am not upset, that there are days when it just doesn't matter, that it is what it is. I reflect back on the 10 years of not knowing if he was dead or alive, I remember that there were days that I was devestated and then there were days where "it is what it is" so maybe it is a way of protecting myself? Maybe it is my way of dealing with it? But I worry so much about becoming emotionally unattached to it all and honestly, some days, I just get tired of caring. It hurts. Maybe it always will. I know he is young, I know he is consumed with all the things kids his age are supposed to be consumed with, maybe that is why I am ok most days, because I finally know that he is alive, healthy, and doing what he is suppose to be doing at this time in his life. So, with all this knowledge I claim to have, why do I still feel guilty for being ok? Not that I want to go back to being the whine bag that I was when I didn't know where he was, but will I grow cold? Will my heart learn to live without him and be ok with it? I don't want to be ok, being ok seems to say "I don't care" and I do care. I do.

So, tonight, I miss him, I love him and I want to remind myself that 17 yrs ago I said I would always care, I would always be here and I will. I Promise.

Feb 19, my last post, OMG...

How does time go so fast? How do I spend so many hours on this computer and yet never seem to make time to blog? I have TONS of thoughts running inside my head, lots to talk about and yet I don't make the time to come here and get them out. So much is going on that I don't think I even know where to begin. Hubby being laid off has caused alot of stress over here, financial stress sucks! Thankfully our marriage is strong enough to handle it, but I tell you, the toll it is taking on me physically is awful. I am in the 3rd week of pain in my shoulder. I know it is tension and stress, icy hot helps for a brief time but I need the pain to go away.for good. The ex continues to be an ass, could careless to help out during this time, thinks his child support is enough. M hasn't made contact with me since C-mas, kinda irritated about that. I dropped him an email at the first of Feb., no response. I did find out that his sister is having a wonderful relationship with her birth family and is contemplating moving to the state in which they live, so wonder if that may have something to do with him not contacting me. Is his mother having a hard time dealing with J's new found relationship and M doesn't want to add to it? I sure hope he isn't taking on that responsibility, but I can understand if he is.

F has his first game tomorrow night, he has worked hard. I hope they win! He has done well dealing with the loss of his friend, however he did mention him tonight. I think he is afraid to "forget" him, poor kids, I hate that they have had to deal with something this tragic at such a young age.

K, Q, & J are all doing well. I am blessed to have such wonderful kids, but don't let them fool you, they all have their days...LOL

Well, for tonight that is all I have. So much more I could ramble about, especially if we want to talk adoption and stereotypes, but ahh for tonight I am too tired.

Hope everyone is well!

Prayers for my son

This blog entry isn't about M, it is about Fred. The prayers are for him and for the friend he lost yesterday. Prayers are needed for 2 parents who will bury their dear son on Thursday, a life lost at the tender age of 15. My hurt aches tonight for my son, for all of his friends that are feeling the loss, for the parents of this child. I can't fathom having to deal with my child committing suicide, infact, it is killing me to think about it. Have I always said the right things? Do my kids know that no problem is to big to come to me with? Have I instilled in them the value of life? Do they know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how devestating suicide is to those of us left behind in this world? I love my children, this is a huge fear! Unfortunately not a fear I think about daily, until this happened. Now, here I sit, worrying, not because I am not an awesome mom, I am, I know that. But did B's mom think the same thing? Did she think that it couldn't happen to her child? Were there signs she missed? He left a note, he failed a random drug test (all of our athletes have them randomly done) he was afraid what his parents would do to him, does my Fred think that? He passed his, but I am not naive enough to believe that it might not just be a failed random drug test, it could be the break up of a girlfriend, it could be being cut from the baseball team, a number of things push our kids of today to think that they can't handle life and for some, the answer is suicide, HOW do I keep it from being one of mine? I love them with all I have, I try to reiterate that I am always here and that no problem is to big that together as a family we can't get through, but is it enough?

Thursday will be a tough day for Fred, this is the first friend he has ever lost and it breaks my heart that he has lost him at 15. 15, too young...please keep everyone in your prayers!!

For M

My Dearest M,

In my previous emails I have tip-toed around all the things I really want to say to you, so today I will put it all out there.

Son, I have loved you from the day I knew you were in my womb. There hasn't been a day in 17 years that I haven't thought of you, longed to hear your voice, to see your face, to tell you how very much you are loved by your first mom. Yes, I went on to have other children, I love them with all of my heart, just the same as I love you, the difference is that I didn't know I could have parented you, that the intense love for you that drove me to place you, was enough. I was so worried that you wouldn't have the best of the best in material things that I didn't realize that the sound of a familiar voice, the intense love that I have for you, the bond we had from you living in utero for 9 months would have been enough while I was trying to get it together. I simply didn't want you to suffer, not for one minute, so I made the plan and I cried a million tears, today I still cry those same tears. 17 years ago those tears were for what I knew I was going to miss, today they are tears for what I KNOW I have missed. You have grown into such a wonderful young man and from the few emails I have receieved thus far, you have a good heart. I am very proud of who you have become, but I wish you would give me a chance to show you who I have become. I am much the same person I was 17 years ago, though I do see things much differently today than I did then. I love you now, I loved you then, make no mistake about that, but today, today I realize just how big the mistake of placing you was. There is a hole in my heart that may never be filled, a hole that I created by not raising you. I am glad that you had a good life, but it isn't anything I couldn't have given you, it would have just been a different life, good, but different. I don't own a million dollar company, I don't drive a fancy car, I don't live in a half a million dollar home, but in this house there is so much love that I am very wealthy! I am blessed to have 4 children who love me without boundaries, with the same intense love I have for them and for you. The chance for us to find that love was taken away from us, by your mom, from her insecurities.See, we could have built this relationship for the last 17 years, she took that away from us. I am having a hard time forgiving her for that, I will, but it is hard. I have always respected her, always respected her as your mom, she didn't have the same respect for me. She feared me, feared I would try and take you back.....she wouldn't be wrong in thinking that I loved you so much that I longed to have you back with me, where she was wrong was in thinking that I would have ever caused you the pain of having to go through something so awful, aside from the fact that legally there was nothing I could have done 7 years post placement of you. I made that awful decision, I regret it to this day, but I would never disturb your life, I love you that much that I continue, 17 years later to sacrifice my heart and my feelings for you to be happy.

I want you to know......I loved you then, I love you now and there is nothing I can do to change the past, I am here when you need me, still loving you.

Forever your first mom,
Michelle



FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS......I will NOT be sending this, but it was theraputic to write it out!

Could it be that she is pregnant???

So, I checked out M's girlfriends myspace and although it is private I did see her headliner. It says and I quote "Mrs.D Loves Mr.D equals Haley Nathan". Now, I don't know about you, but that reeks of baby names to me and it scares the shit out of me. They are 17 years old, still in HS and so close to what my situation was when I made that agonizing decision 17 years ago. I so hope this is just a girl playing grown up, thinking about being married to him and having his babies and choosing names, but I sure wish I knew if that were the case.

Maybe I should summons the ex to ask in his next email, since they are such good buddies now? ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I am here!

I really can't believe it has been almost a month since I posted last. I guess other than the normal "mom" stuff that I do, nothing much has been post worthy, until tonight.

First I must say "Eli Manning ROCKS!!" I am so excited for The Manning family, how proud the parents of Eli and Peyton must be. So, while we were celebrating the win of the Giants tonight and talking amongst ourselves in this house, thousands of miles away my first son was thinking of his first father and corresponding on how awesome it is that the Manning boys had back to back MVP's and Superbowl wins! Am I jealous? Damn straight I am! Am I still pissed off that I was the one to do the "leg" work in finding him and making contact with his mom so that I could try and build some type of relationship with him, only for first father to have what I long for? Absolutely I am! I am crushed tonight. I am sick and tired of being crushed, I am tired of being patient, I am tired of doing the right thing only to be smacked in the face.

I have emailed him, I have been patient, I am tired. I hate adoption today, I hate ex most everyday, and right now, I am hating myself for making such a stupid decision almost 18 years ago, that is still affecting me today. So, if you pray, pray for me. Pray that God will give me guidance ( DO NOT PRAY FOR ME TO HAVE MORE PATIENCE...LOL)
Pray that he will see me through this and that I can stay strong in my faith that he is going to carry me through this.

(((hugs)))) Hope you are all well!