Thursday, December 13, 2007

Well, it has been almost 2 weeks since that first email from M. I have sent another email to him and I am waiting for his next response. I know he is busy and 17 which likely means I will be patiently waiting for sometime, that is ok. I am OK. Life feels really good right now. I do have to admit that I worry that this email will come and it won't be as good as the last one, it might say "Hey I can't handle this" and I need to prepare for that. But I can't. I will continue to enjoy the feeling I have for now, enjoy this first Christmas with contact and Praise God for it! He has been with me through all of this, he will not forsake me now.

I do feel guilty. Why? Well this will seem contradictory to my previous posts, but I feel guilty that I have contact and I haven't told the ex about it. I want to. I have in the past, and it has come back to bite me. But I know how I have felt in the past, not having contact, and if he feels that pain........Well I just can't wish that pain on my worst enemy and I don't want it for him either. So, I am THINKING of telling him, but I am scared. Scared that he will do something stupid, scared that he will try to email M and scare him off from both of us and then his pain will cause me pain again *sigh* I am still thinking about all of this, I just know that as much of a jerk as I think he has been, he very well may be the reason I have what I have.

Christmas is coming, I think I will send them a Christmas card. His mom still hasn't replied to my email to her, just don't know what to make of that. I want to have a relationship with her, maybe she doesn't feel the same way. I find it somewhat sad, I think it would be much easier on him if we could develop "something" anything, to know that his First Mom and his Mom get along sure seems like it would ease his fears, if he has any, of having a relationship with me.

Well, it is late, I am off to bed. Best wishes for everyone and I hope Santa brings good things to all of you!

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