I have been patient for 10 years. I have waited for the right time to contact my bson and he decided now was the time, so I did, and what has it done to me? It has made me crazy, crazier than I was, hush. I wake up looking for an email, I constantly check email all day long, I sit here night after night, knowing he is online, waiting for something, anything. I have nothing. Wait, I have something, I have anger.
I am angry at his mom. For the last 10 years I told myself "she did not do this intentionally" and now, I know that she did do it intentionally. I would be content with saying "No biggie, stuff happens, we can move on now" IF she would do the right thing now, and she isn't. I emailed her the same day I emailed M, he hasn't responded becasuse 1. He is 17 2. He is 17 and 3. he is 17. She is 60, what is her excuse? I don't want to hear "busy", "scared", "guilty" I just don't. I am a mother to 4, a wife, a secretary, a moderator for a very busy adoption site, a cabbie, need I go on...and I make time to email her. It would be nice to have gotten an email from her letting me know how M "dealt" with my email to him, but then she isn't looking like such a nice person these days.
I am also angry because this is her fault. We wouldn't have this big "reuinion" if she had kept her word. She didn't. I can not change it. But, sheesh, can you try to right a wrong? *sigh( What is she teaching him? That you can deceive people and it is ok? That you can hurt people and it is no big deal? That you do what you have to, to get what you want and it doesn't matter who you hurt along the way??
I am frustrated tonight, I am going to bed. Pray for me, pray she will dig deep and find some compassion and at least let me know how he is dealing with all of this.
2 comments:
You are absolutely right...what she did was wrong...on every level. WRONG. It angers me because you gave the benefit of the doubt, you were willing to understand, you were willing to believe the best, but all along she just gave one more example of adoptive parents who lie to their kids and their birth parents, and manipulate things for their own comfort, which makes me really angry, on a number of levels. I really didn't want that to be true here and it angers me that it is.
I am angry for you and with you. I am so sorry this is happening. It is wrong, something I don't understand. It would be so easy for us to just not try to keep our adoptions open with the other families, but it seems so counter-intuitive to see that as being good, compassionate and in the end, right. No matter how hard it is, keeping that commitment is right. I am just so sorry. I hope you hear from your son soon.
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