Thursday, June 28, 2007

No Guarantee's

In this last week I have come to realize that there are no guarantee's in this life. Now you may say "Michelle, you are 36 years old and you are just realizing that?" The truth is, I have always "known" it but it kinda kicked me in the ass when a fellow first mom friend found out some things about her daughter and her daughter's adoptive parents. You see, I also had this revelation last year when, after 10 years, I finally found my son and his adoptive parents. How excited I was to find him, yet so sad to find out things weren't as I had hoped and planned for, for him. His adoptive dad passed away in 2003 from a brain tumor and from what I have read via his myspace he and his mom have a shitty relationship. This was a shocker to me, as I also lost my dad in 2000 of a brain tumor. At 36 it was hard for me to handle, I cant imagine at 13 what it did to him, and it breaks my heart to think of it. I placed for 2 reason's and 2 reason's only. 1. Because I wanted my son to be raised in a 2 parent home and 2. Because I didn't have the financial means to raise him alone. 16 years later I can now tell you that those are NOT good enough reasons to place a child. First, he is now without a father figure, in what I feel is the most crucial time to need a dad, he has no relationship with his mom. She is 61 years old, has a new boyfriend and apparently a social life more like a teenager and from what I have seen and read, has no idea what her son is doing ie...having sex with the g/f of3 years, possibly smoking weed and claims to be an atheist which KILLS me. That was something that I talked about deeply with his parents before choosing them, I explained how important I thought it was for my child to have God in his life, they assured me they would raise him in church, it appears that this didn't happen ( I could be wrong and maybe he is now mad at God over the death of his dad, but it hurts to think that she didn't help him keep his faith if in fact he was raised in the church).
His First Father and I went on to marry and have 3 other children, we could have parented him with some direction from someone.

Financially, what a joke that is. It wasn't until I had my 2nd child that I realized that babies don't require a whole lot and there are so many programs out there to help with the things they do require. They don't have to be dressed from "The Gap" and they don't need toys for a while to come, but within a year and half, I could have provided all of those things for him. Not one person ever said " This could be temporary" "Let me help you find the resources to parent" or even "go search here, before making a life altering decision" Instead all I heard was " You are so good to think of the well being of your child" "He will grow up happy and loved", UM, excuse me, he would have been happy and loved with me as well.

So, Nope there are no guarantee's in this life. Life happens, things change, circumstances change and we need to be telling expectant mom's this before we ever even discuss adoption with them.


Kelly said...

Yes; there are so many of us who were told adoption is better for the child??? It was 1992 to for me; I have one other little girl; and I love her with all my heart. But, I mioss my son so much.; if you ever want to talk.

Kelly said...

Thank you; for your comment. My sister's name is Michelle. Your little one is so handsome.

Michelle said...

Thanks Kelly! I look forward to hearing more from you :-)

Brandy said...


Thanks for posting - you're right there are no guarantees in life or for that matter adoption.

Things have been stressful, but with the support of my friends (you guys who life me up every time I am knocked down!) I know things will get better!