Thursday, July 26, 2007

First mom, Natural mom, Birth mom, Real mom, Biological mom, what do you want to be?

Titles! It seems that no matter what you call yourself in this world of adoption someone is pissy about it. There is much controversy right now about the term First mom. I prefer it, haven't always but I do now, why you ask? I was labeled a birthmom when I placed my son for adoption, a label I didn't ask for, a label I was given. Yes I gave birth to him, but before I gave birth I made decisions based on what was in the best interest of him, making sure that I stayed healthy, so he stayed healthy, making sure that when he made his arrival into this big world he would have every opportunity to be the best that he could be, even if that meant it wasn't with me. I made the FIRST parental decision for him and that was to find a family to raise him,love him and provide for him, I was told my love wasn't going to be enough. So I did what any caring mother would do for her child, I made a plan, a plan for him to be adopted by people who could do what I was told I couldn't. I was the FIRST to see him, I was the FIRST to love him, I was the FIRST to touch him, I was the FIRST to make a decision concerning him, does any of this mean that his mom is unimportant or 2nd best? Never! She has her own set of firsts with him, and I completely respect that, when I speak of her it is never with a qualifier, she is his MOM. It honestly saddens me that I need a qualifier of First mom, as I am his mom as well, but to make things simpler I do.

Birth mom doesn't work for me anymore and it never will again, No one can make me feel like the only thing I did for my child was give him life, I provided him with life and gave him the opportunity to have a life. I was the FIRST to make that happen.

To the adoptive parents out there that I have offended by this post, reach a little deeper within yourselves and find some security in your ability to be a parent, a mom, a dad to your child. What I want to call myself should have no affect on you if you are secure in your role as a parent. I do not wish to be called First mom because I think your second, or that I am better than you. It is because I was not an incubator, I did what I felt I had to do at that time out of PURE LOVE for my unborn child, my child for 9 months, I was his First Mom and I will always be his FIRST MOM, not his only, not his last, but his FIRST!!!!


Michelle said...

I love it!!!! I have never thought of it in that light, but that is a beautiful way to think about it. The thought of being called an incubator or a "donor" which I have heard just angers me to no end. You said it better than I and YOU GO GIRL! Love Me

Jenna said...

:) Good for you.

ManyBlessings said...

I'm a new reader to your blog and an adoptive mom of a 4 year old from Guatemala. I also am a sister to "M" who we adopted when she was 5 (very long story). And also a sister to "D" who got pregnant at 19 and kept her baby, my precious niece (another very long story and one that would make anyone so proud of my baby sister!).

Because of all this and having walked this road most of my life, I have always referred to my 4year old daughter's mom as "your mommy "S" in Guatemala". I do use the term "birthmom" when I talk to others about my daughter's mom, but I also use "her mom in Guatemala" equally. Now I can see why I should be using "first mom", but here's my question.

Now I truly want to know if saying "her mom in Guatemala" is appropriate? I love her first mom dearly and respect with all my heart the choice she was forced to make. And I never, ever want to say anything about her that would make her "less" in anyone's eyes.


Michelle said...

Jenna~ It is with many thanks to you for your voice that I have become stronger in mine!! So, Thank you!

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

D~ How awesome of you to care so much about your child's First Mom and to realize how important she is in the lives of all of you, even if she isn't physically able to be with you in anyway! I love "your mom in Guatemala" it is respectful of her position in her life and if it works for you then it is good. I don't have a right to tell anyone else what they need to call anyone, what I am saying is this is my beliefs, this is what I prefer to be called.It does me good to see that others are at the very least thinking about what we are saying.

Thanks for reading my blog and I look forward to hearing more from you! Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

thank you for being so encourageing. I know you wrote this some time ago but feel like I have to say your words have really touched my heart. I placed my birthchild almost 3 years ago and I just took on the title of 'birthmom' because I thought thats what I supposed to do. I usually just do as I am told. I rarely have the courage to ask that I be respected even though that is what I crave. I sometimes feel like noone cares that I remember every detail of my pregnancy. People who parent seem to give the facts of pregnancy a birth only a passing comment here or there after the child is a few years old. Thank you for your excellent words!!