Thursday, November 8, 2007

Finding Peace

Things happen in our lives that sometimes require us to find peace. For me that comes in the form of adoption, particularly the placement of my first son. I thought I had found it, then this past month I realized I hadn't. I am not at peace with it, I regret it, I hate it, not because I regret the parents I chose for him but because I wasn't in a place to parent him. I am not going to talk about my regrets though, if you know me you know my thoughts on that. I want to talk about peace.

To me, peace is accepting what happened, accepting that I can not change the situation, accepting that God has a hand in it all and a plan yet to come. I am not there, I am not at peace. I want to be, I really do, but things aren't where I need them to be to allow my heart a chance to heal. Promises were broken, trust was shattered, friendships were dissolved, anger and hurt are still prevelant, I need to let it go. I can't. I fear becoming bitter and my heart becoming hard, I fear the walls that have been up for years may never come down. Until I can get rid of this anger and hurt I will not find peace in anything that pertains to my adoption journey. I fear that if I continue on the path that I am on I will only suffer more. M will find a First Mom that is bitter and I have spent to many years on trying not to be. This last month and all that has transpired has taken it's toll on me, but it won't win. I will overcome it, I have to.


Cookie said...

As a reunited birth mom, I went through a period of time that I was ultra angry (still have my moments.) I found that activism and trying to change adoption practices and prevent unnecessary adoptions helps me channel the anger for positive purposes.

Acceptance was a hard place for me to get to as well. I will never believe that what happened - my son's adoption - should have happened or was "for the best." BUT, I accept that it happened and that I need to deal with it. I have learned how to do that - has not been easy though.

Being reunited, and coming out of the closet with my son's adoption has brought me some peace that nothing else could.

zxczxcasdasd said...

You will overcome it, because you want to.

I hope that very soon, there will be no new things that need forgiving.

Brown =) said...


I am so on your wavelength lately

You are a strong woman, and if anyone can find peace, you will. It might not happen now, but you'l get there!!!

Michelle said...

You will overcome it Chelle, I'm here for you, I know I'm not "here" much anymore, but I'm only a phonecall away, and if you don't reach me for some reason that I will leave unmentioned, I WILL call you back!!! Sending you HUGE HUGS and lotsa love. Miss Ya tons and tons....

Anonymous said...

I will pray you are able to find peace. The fact that you are searching is a good thing. You will find it, and possibly lose it, and find it again.