Things happen in our lives that sometimes require us to find peace. For me that comes in the form of adoption, particularly the placement of my first son. I thought I had found it, then this past month I realized I hadn't. I am not at peace with it, I regret it, I hate it, not because I regret the parents I chose for him but because I wasn't in a place to parent him. I am not going to talk about my regrets though, if you know me you know my thoughts on that. I want to talk about peace.
To me, peace is accepting what happened, accepting that I can not change the situation, accepting that God has a hand in it all and a plan yet to come. I am not there, I am not at peace. I want to be, I really do, but things aren't where I need them to be to allow my heart a chance to heal. Promises were broken, trust was shattered, friendships were dissolved, anger and hurt are still prevelant, I need to let it go. I can't. I fear becoming bitter and my heart becoming hard, I fear the walls that have been up for years may never come down. Until I can get rid of this anger and hurt I will not find peace in anything that pertains to my adoption journey. I fear that if I continue on the path that I am on I will only suffer more. M will find a First Mom that is bitter and I have spent to many years on trying not to be. This last month and all that has transpired has taken it's toll on me, but it won't win. I will overcome it, I have to.