Saturday, November 3, 2007

*sigh* They say we should "Suck it Up"

I should preface this with "most" of the time people are very supportive of my feelings and emotions surrounding the placement of my First Son. Then sometimes I come across a few that think I need to "suck it up" and deal with it. You see, it was my decision, I had a choice, If I couldn't or wouldn't parent my child then I should just be thankful that someone did.

Well let me tell you this, BALONEY! Choice, what a funny word. Yes I had a choice, in fact I had 3. I could parent, I could place, I could abort. Abortion was out of the question, my heart doesn't allow it, my religion is against it and so that eliminates that choice for me. Parenting was an option, yet one that when I sought out help in my crisis pregnancy, no one encouraged me to do. I was told that my baby deserved the best possible life he could have and since I was single and didn't have tons of money adoption was a wonderful option. Wonderful option for who? For me, I live with the regret of placing him and a year and a half later being in a completly different place in my life and able to be a great parent to him. For him? Maybe, who really knows, he has a good life but who is to say his life wouldn't have been just as wonderful with me and his siblings?

My decision, well last I checked I am not the Virgin Mary and there was no immaculate conception. So that would mean there was another party involved in this decision, the First Father. Some may say "Well if he didn't want to parent, you still could have" and that seems like a simple solution. But again, I heard the voices of the agency workers saying "your child deserves the best", "your child deserves 2 parents that are married and stable", so while it was my decision, I felt like I had no right to make any other decision than the one I made.

As for being "Thankful" for the people who did raise my child when I chose not to or could not? I am thankful that my son was able to be placed into a loving home and to grow up into the man he is becoming. Thankful can go 2 ways here, I could say "The a-parents should be thankful I was able to place my child with them, they may not be parents without me" I would have been far more thankful had someone told me there were resources to help me parent my child for that year and a half I struggled, or if one person had encouraged me to try to parent when I was sobbing and telling them if I held my son I would never be able to let him go, but they didn't. SO tell me, why should I be thankful that my son isn't here with his me and his bio siblings today??

So, you see "suck it up" and deal with it, I have. 17 LONG years of sucking it up and dealing with it and for those of you that can't muster up a bit of compassion for those who felt like they did the best they could and have some hard days emotionally I say , Shame on you!


Pickel said...

I wonder how many people like you are in a different place so shortly after pregnancy and the placement of their child. And I wonder if it contributes to the way you feel about your child. For what its one should ever tell you to suck it up. Grief is real.

Michelle said...

Thanks Pickel! I have loved my child from the day I found out I was pregnant, figuring out that I could have parented really had no bearing on my feelings for him. It only gave me strength to tell other E-mom's to be informed of all of their options, not just adoption. Being married and wealthy doesn't make good parents and in my young 19 year old mind, I sure believed that it did.

lhjh4 said...

(((HUGS))) I think those other people need to practice what they preach. So really they should just suck it up and keep their opinions to themselves.

Cookie said...

Think it would go over well if first/birth moms told infertile women to just "suck it up" and deal with it? Nah, don't think so. Besides I cannot imagine a birth mother saying that.

Whenever it hits, when a woman realizes she could have parented and was duped, it is a painful realization.

Just started a new group for women considering options.It is pro-parenting and not so thrilled with the adoption option.

So far, our members are birth mothers and one female adoptee. We'll be ready when some pregnant women find us!

zxczxcasdasd said...

I'm not sure who told you to suck it up, but I would have said I was glad to hear their personal philosophy so the next time they were really struggling I would know what they would want to hear.

Okay that was catty. But really.

erased said...

It is offensive as an adoptee to think ANYONE could "get over" losing me. (did that sound egotistical?) I would ask those people just "which" of their children they could get over losing?

Anonymous said...

I am hoping (and praying) you are feeling better today.

As I have said in a different blog recently, keep talking, your voice will make a different to some people, and has to me.

I appreciate all I have learned from you.


Brandy said...


There are several kinds of people...

1. People who MUST totally invalidate anyone that might compromise their role as a mother.

2. People who MUST label anything that isn't sunshine and roses as 'angry'.

3. People who MUST constantly make other people feel like poo to make themselves feel awesome.

I suspect, the recent "Suck it up" Crier's are a combo of all three.

Brown =) said...

Who told you to suck it up?

I'm going to go stab them in the eye, LOL!!!

Seriously. People that tell you that are in for a rude awakening next time they need a shoulder. Karma's a you-know-what