Things happen in our lives that sometimes require us to find peace. For me that comes in the form of adoption, particularly the placement of my first son. I thought I had found it, then this past month I realized I hadn't. I am not at peace with it, I regret it, I hate it, not because I regret the parents I chose for him but because I wasn't in a place to parent him. I am not going to talk about my regrets though, if you know me you know my thoughts on that. I want to talk about peace.
To me, peace is accepting what happened, accepting that I can not change the situation, accepting that God has a hand in it all and a plan yet to come. I am not there, I am not at peace. I want to be, I really do, but things aren't where I need them to be to allow my heart a chance to heal. Promises were broken, trust was shattered, friendships were dissolved, anger and hurt are still prevelant, I need to let it go. I can't. I fear becoming bitter and my heart becoming hard, I fear the walls that have been up for years may never come down. Until I can get rid of this anger and hurt I will not find peace in anything that pertains to my adoption journey. I fear that if I continue on the path that I am on I will only suffer more. M will find a First Mom that is bitter and I have spent to many years on trying not to be. This last month and all that has transpired has taken it's toll on me, but it won't win. I will overcome it, I have to.
5 comments:
As a reunited birth mom, I went through a period of time that I was ultra angry (still have my moments.) I found that activism and trying to change adoption practices and prevent unnecessary adoptions helps me channel the anger for positive purposes.
Acceptance was a hard place for me to get to as well. I will never believe that what happened - my son's adoption - should have happened or was "for the best." BUT, I accept that it happened and that I need to deal with it. I have learned how to do that - has not been easy though.
Being reunited, and coming out of the closet with my son's adoption has brought me some peace that nothing else could.
http://www.cafemom.com/group/26942
You will overcome it, because you want to.
I hope that very soon, there will be no new things that need forgiving.
((((HUGS)))
I am so on your wavelength lately
You are a strong woman, and if anyone can find peace, you will. It might not happen now, but you'l get there!!!
You will overcome it Chelle, I'm here for you, I know I'm not "here" much anymore, but I'm only a phonecall away, and if you don't reach me for some reason that I will leave unmentioned, I WILL call you back!!! Sending you HUGE HUGS and lotsa love. Miss Ya tons and tons....
I will pray you are able to find peace. The fact that you are searching is a good thing. You will find it, and possibly lose it, and find it again.
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