It's My Birthday!

Today is my birthday and I am so glad it is almost over. Not because it is a bad thing, age doesn't affect me much, but because this means that the end of October is very near. I hate this month, I do. I am doing better, I am realizing that I can not change the things that my ex has done, I can not make Mark want to meet me, I can not undo the past. What I can do? Be the best mom and wife to my family right here, be healthy emotionally and physically in case Mark ever wants to meet me, Love them all with everything I have. I am not spending any more negative energy on trying to make things be the way I want them to be. It is what it is and I can't do a darn thing about it.

All that said, we went to a Halloween party with my youngest boys tonight (the older 2 had a teen party to go to). We had fun and it felt good to focus my thoughts and time on them. Life is looking up, keep praying for me. Thanks!

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing in around you? Have you ever felt the weight of an elephant on your chest? Have you ever felt like everything was against you? This is no pity party, DO NOT pity me, pray for me. I can not get through this alone without God, I can't and I won't even pretend that I can. I need him more now than ever and I know he has been by my side through it all, but the pain is so intense right now. Every time I sit down at this computer I get more bad news, what is he trying to convey to me? I want to hear him but I don't, maybe I need a 2x4 upside the head, cause GOD I am not getting your message clearly.

I am on my knees, I don't feel like it can get any worse. Some of you may think that I am over-dramatizing it all but let me tell you, this pain isn't any kind of pain I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't see past the moment, tomorrow looks so bleak, I have GOT to get it together. I have kids here that need me, a hubby that needs me but I can't quit thinking about what I have lost and how long it may be before I "might" get it back.

I want to be positive, I want to keep reminding myself that this is just another obstacle that I will overcome, but I am tired. I am worn down. I have so far to go. Life sucks right now!!

I need sleep, I need a nerve pill, I need my son to want to know me.

Well it keeps getting worse!!!!

M has made his Myspace private! I would like to say a public THANK YOU to my ex, thanks for a whole lot of NOTHING. What little I had has been taken from me in the blink of an eye all because that impatient bastard couldn't wait for M to make the first move. How dumb can one person be?? Better yet I think the word is SELFISH, he was only looking out for himself. He didn't care about M, Me, or our parented children. Now I have nothing! I know he is alive and that is all I know. I feel like I am right back where I was a year ago. I am so sorry that I shared anything with him, so sorry. Shame.On.Me. I hate that I seem to have to learn every lesson in my life the hard way. I hate him. I really do.

The World Feels Different Today

I remember this feeling, it was 17 years ago this month that I felt exactly what I feel right now. I am having a hard time breathing, I can't seem to get anything into perspective and I feel like I will never be the same again. My world will never be the same again. At midnight last night I lost all the hope I had that I would reunite with my bson. My fantasy of him sitting around daydreaming of me was taken away from me by a very selfish man, my ex. I know this probably wasn't healthy but it has gotten me through the last 10 years and I am so mad that I have to face my reality before I am ready. But alas, I do and I will but it is killing me. He isn't sitting around fantasizing about me and my kids, he has the life that I wanted for him but I think someone forgot to tell him that I wanted to be included in that life. I didn't place him so that someone could raise him and then I could waltz in and reclaim him (someone said this to me today) but when I placed him I was promised that I would always be included, I didn't sign up for this. Initially I didn't think I could handle knowing how he was but anyone who "knows" me knows that didn't last long. I wanted to be there for him, and they took that away from me, after they closed the adoption completely I wanted to wait here for him, my ex took that away from me. I will still be here waiting, not sure if it will do me any good but I will be here, always. In the meantime, I have a family that needs a healthy wife and mom and I have to get myself together, how do I do that? How?

M has no desire for Reunion

Yep, you read it right. The dumb ass ex emailed J (M's sister) and told her that we wanted to meet M. She told him that when she reunited with her birth family M told her that he didn't want to meet his. I am devestated. I wasn't ready for this, I needed more time to come to that point. Thanks to the ex though I didn't get that, with is head-strong attitude he had to go forward with trying to get things his way instead of allowing M to take the lead and now everyone will suffer for it. I am so lost, I know things may change as he gets older, but today it hurts. Today I feel like all hope is gone. I feel rejected and I can't even write, so you know where I am if you need me.

We love this time of year!!!!

Fall is my favorite time of year! The leaves are changing, everything is so beautiful and it is cool, ok, normally it is cool. We have had a hard time getting our fall weather this year, we have had some pretty warm days compared to years past, but we are getting there. Tonight was one of those cool nights. My mom gave me my birthday present early, it is a gas fire pit. Are you excited? I was!! There is nothing better than sitting around a fire pit with the hubby and the kids and roasting marshmallows and that is exactly what we did tonight. Lil James decided he doesn't like the "black stuff" on his marshmallows so he sat around most of the night trying to "pick" it off...LOL. Fall means Halloween to my kids. They are anxiously awaiting for mom to take them costume shopping and I am procrastinating like nothing you have ever seen. Why you ask? Have you seen the prices of costumes? I am not Martha Stewart so there will be no sewing done here in the Sutton house, I will "suck"it up and go buy them sometime this week, Blah! I didn't mind it when they were younger as they continued to play dress-up with their costumes and I felt like it was money well invested, however, now that most of them are older it just seems crazy to spend that kind of money on a few hours. But I will. I will.

Hubby made a couple of coffins for the yard and decorated. He has done an awesome job of making sure every kid in the neighborhood is scared to death of coming to my house, haha! My oldest wants to sit in between the 2 coffins and pretend to be a fake person, jumping up when someone comes up to get candy. Tis the fun of Halloween for my kids, but I do worry about the "wee" ones and how I can get candy to them without scaring them to death. But really, it is all in fun.

ALERT!! ALERT!!! THIS IS A NASTY POST

Stop reading here if you can't handle pure, raw emotions and lots of cussing.

I am so FUCKING pissed off right now I could kill my ex-husband..aka.. THE SPERM DONOR my son will call birthdad. He invited my bson's sister to be his friend on MYSPACE...WTF!! After 10 years of sitting at this computer searching day and night to find him, guess who is going to get contact first???? He doesn't deserve it, he hasn't done anything to try to find him. He didn't even fucking want to know whether he was a girl or boy and has lived in denial for 16 years, now because it is easy and the hard work is done he wants to waltz in and make everything right. WHO DOES HE FUCKING THINK HE IS, and don't tell me "he is the birth father" cause I know that and I don't fucking care. How many nights did he lose sleep on the computer, ZERO, I tell you ZERO!!!! He wasn't there to see him born, he never wanted to meet his parents, he didnt want anything until now, now that he is almost grown and I did the work of finding him, NOW, NOW he wants to be a part of his life.


WHY THIS FUCKING WEEK, the week is hard enough with his bday and all that comes with that, now I get to deal with more emotions as to why the ex thinks he can do the stupid shit he does. I hate him, I DO.

I DO have other children

I find myself blogging so much about M and adoption that I forget that I have other children. Well I don't forget, I remember when they need money, I remember when they need clean clothes or a ride to a friends house but I forget to write more about them here. So I will include them tonight. Kaytlynn who is almost 13 plays Volleyball and I am her coach, she is awesome! She listens so well and really tries hard to do well and she has shown such improvement in the last year. WE had a game tonight, and won!! I try so hard not to emphasize winning and how to be good losers but darn it feels good to win! All of the girls were on their game tonight and it made me feel good.

Fred is almost 15 and has little time for us people he calls family, LOL. He is such a social bug, lots of friends and extremely concerned about being the best at everything he does and being healthy. He has a wonderful sense of humor and I am actually starting to like him again. You may say "how can you not like your kid" and I say "do you have a teenager?" LOL, I love him with every ounce of me, but liking him during the "teenage raging hormones" stage makes it hard some days. We are managing and he is becoming more pleasant daily. If you have older teenager and are wanting to tell me that he will grow 2 heads again at 16, save it, I like my fantasy world. HA! Fred plays baseball and plays very well I might add. He is a 2nd baseman, shortstop and a pitcher and again he works hard to excel at them all!! Mama thinks he is pretty awesome. This is actually off season for him right now so you can find him at the local gym working out to keep himself in shape!The picture above is him going to his first homecoming dance.

Quinton is 10. He will forever be 5 to me if he doesn't start growing soon! Honestly he is so little, weighs all of 53 lbs. He also plays baseball and infact plays the same positions as his big brother. He made the travel team this year and played well over 60 games and has decided it may be a few years before he does that again. It was an exhausting year for the little guy, but he did enjoy it while he did it. Quinton is very laid back, not to much bothers him and he lets most everything roll of his back. He makes friends so easily and has never been a shy kid. He has the sweetest personality and loves his little brother James, irritated by the older siblings and would probably rather sell them for more Wii games than call them siblings.


And then there was James. He is 6 yrs old and just started Kindergarten this year. I have never seen a kid love school as this one does. He REALLY loves it. He goes in the afternoon, has to be there at 12:40, by 9 am he is already asking if he can go to school. He is learning so much and I am so proud of him. They told us when he was born that he would not make it through the night, he fooled all of them. They then told us he would be severely delayed, again they were wrong. He is a VERY healthy kid, active, plays baseball as well as the other 2 and it learning just as quick as the other 3 did at this age. This is the last one and I have enjoyed each one of them with their similarities as well as their differences. I wouldn't change anyone of them even when I feel like I live in a zoo!!!

Mom loves you kids!!!!!

Happy Birthday M!!

17 years ago today I gave birth to you. The emotions I had on that day are present in my thoughts today. I was scared to give birth to you, not because of the pain but because I knew you were going to leave the hospital without me and me without you. In the past 17 years many things have happened in my life as well as yours, some good, some not so good. I am at peace with my decision but that doesn't mean that some days I don't wish it could have been different. I should have been your mommy, the one to rock you in the night, the one to watch your first steps, dry your first tears, kiss your little fingers and toes but I wasn't. I wasn't there for all of that, but know that I dreamed of all those things, many nights crying myself to sleep. I don't know that you would need to hear of the regrets I have but I want you to really understand the love I have for you, I had many dreams of how I wanted your life to be. For the most part that is your reality now. From afar I can see that your life is full, for that I am happy. It is what I wanted for you. There are so many what if's in this life, I try not to dwell on them. Sometimes though I think , What if someone had told me that I would parent another child in 2 short years, What if someone would have known that you would lose your dad at such a young age, What if I would have tried it as a single mom if your First dad had decided to leave, oh the what if's. We can't live in hindsight though so we move on, move forward,continue to remind ourselves that the path of all of our lives would have been different and to wonder what it would have been like versus what it is would be wasted energy. I hope that we can reunite someday and share what life has bestowed upon us, good and bad.

For today though, I will praise God that you are alive and well. This time last year I still didn't know if you were alive, I had just as many emotions then as I do now. They were different though, worried whether you were ok, and if you were ok, if you were happy. I thought of what you might be doing for that magical 16th birthday. I wondered if you had a new car, a girlfriend, what kind of person you were turning out to be, all the questions I should have had answers to but didn't. Then I found you, well I didn't but a dear friend of mine helped to find you. I had my answers, you may think that I didn't have that right to search you out and look at your myspace but I needed something, anything. The hurt was so intense, the not knowing was more than I could stand, so I took the information given to me and set out to find you. I am happy with what I found, with the exception of your dad's passing. I am sure you miss him today as I miss you, know that I cared deeply for him and that I am truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are as scattered as this post, I feel so many things today but my deepest feelings come from the love I have for you, the love I will ALWAYS have for you. I miss you. Happy Birthday Son!

Losing my mind

My ex is at it again. The man is insane! I have a tracker on my MySpace, tonight I saw that he had visited it so I went to visit his, what do you think I found????? Pictures of our bson that he downloaded from our bson's MySpace. I swear if he screws this all up before I get a chance to get it started I will kill him. I am not sure that statement is made with any humor at all, I am seriously pissed right now. Who does he think he is, does he really think he can waltz in and be daddy??? He can't even be the kind of dad his kids need right now let alone to the son he wanted to place for adoption. M has a dad, he died of a brain tumor a few years ago, and I think my ex has this grand idea that he might "need" him since his dad has died. I just want to scream "Educate yourself dumb ass" He has never read the first thing about adoptees, reunion, adoption. He has lived 17 years in denial and now all of a sudden he wants to be a dad to him. I want to put something on my MySpace that says "If anyone comes across my ex's MySpace, nothing he has done or said has any bearing on me and his opinions are his own along with his stupidity"

*SIGH* I have talked to him before, this is not the first time he has done something this stupid. How do I make him understand that he could jepordize the relationship before it ever happens?? I understand that this is hard for him too, I do. But how dare he after 17 years of not giving a shit think that he can just come in now, after all the hard work of finding him is done, and do whatever he wants to make contact. I.AM.SO.MAD.I.COULD.SPIT.

17 years ago today.......................

This was my due date. It was a Tuesday and I was due to give birth, but apparently he wasn't ready to come into this world. To be completely honest, I wasn't ready for him to come either. Everyday that he stayed in my womb was one more day he was with me. I remember like it was yesterday, I was swollen, I was miserable, I wanted to "get it over" and at the same time I wanted him to stay forever. Everything was in place, he had a new home to go to when he got here, his parents had his room ready, but this wasn't the day he was going to make his grand entrance. I went to the doctor and he was breech, the doctor told me to go home and put a radio on my stomach closer to my pelvic area and that he would turn and I would go into labor soon. I did just that, he did turn but he still wasn't coming out of there. We continued on for 2 more weeks and then I was scheduled to be induced on October 16th, I knew that would be a day etched in mind forever and one of the saddest days of my life. I prayed the days would go slow, but they did not. It came so fast, everything was ready for him to be here, but I wasn't. I talked to him, I told him that I was sorry that when he got here he would have to leave me, I told him that I would always love him, and I do. I do.