Happy Birthday M!!

17 years ago today I gave birth to you. The emotions I had on that day are present in my thoughts today. I was scared to give birth to you, not because of the pain but because I knew you were going to leave the hospital without me and me without you. In the past 17 years many things have happened in my life as well as yours, some good, some not so good. I am at peace with my decision but that doesn't mean that some days I don't wish it could have been different. I should have been your mommy, the one to rock you in the night, the one to watch your first steps, dry your first tears, kiss your little fingers and toes but I wasn't. I wasn't there for all of that, but know that I dreamed of all those things, many nights crying myself to sleep. I don't know that you would need to hear of the regrets I have but I want you to really understand the love I have for you, I had many dreams of how I wanted your life to be. For the most part that is your reality now. From afar I can see that your life is full, for that I am happy. It is what I wanted for you. There are so many what if's in this life, I try not to dwell on them. Sometimes though I think , What if someone had told me that I would parent another child in 2 short years, What if someone would have known that you would lose your dad at such a young age, What if I would have tried it as a single mom if your First dad had decided to leave, oh the what if's. We can't live in hindsight though so we move on, move forward,continue to remind ourselves that the path of all of our lives would have been different and to wonder what it would have been like versus what it is would be wasted energy. I hope that we can reunite someday and share what life has bestowed upon us, good and bad.

For today though, I will praise God that you are alive and well. This time last year I still didn't know if you were alive, I had just as many emotions then as I do now. They were different though, worried whether you were ok, and if you were ok, if you were happy. I thought of what you might be doing for that magical 16th birthday. I wondered if you had a new car, a girlfriend, what kind of person you were turning out to be, all the questions I should have had answers to but didn't. Then I found you, well I didn't but a dear friend of mine helped to find you. I had my answers, you may think that I didn't have that right to search you out and look at your myspace but I needed something, anything. The hurt was so intense, the not knowing was more than I could stand, so I took the information given to me and set out to find you. I am happy with what I found, with the exception of your dad's passing. I am sure you miss him today as I miss you, know that I cared deeply for him and that I am truly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are as scattered as this post, I feel so many things today but my deepest feelings come from the love I have for you, the love I will ALWAYS have for you. I miss you. Happy Birthday Son!