Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Have you ever felt like the world was crashing in around you? Have you ever felt the weight of an elephant on your chest? Have you ever felt like everything was against you? This is no pity party, DO NOT pity me, pray for me. I can not get through this alone without God, I can't and I won't even pretend that I can. I need him more now than ever and I know he has been by my side through it all, but the pain is so intense right now. Every time I sit down at this computer I get more bad news, what is he trying to convey to me? I want to hear him but I don't, maybe I need a 2x4 upside the head, cause GOD I am not getting your message clearly.

I am on my knees, I don't feel like it can get any worse. Some of you may think that I am over-dramatizing it all but let me tell you, this pain isn't any kind of pain I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't see past the moment, tomorrow looks so bleak, I have GOT to get it together. I have kids here that need me, a hubby that needs me but I can't quit thinking about what I have lost and how long it may be before I "might" get it back.

I want to be positive, I want to keep reminding myself that this is just another obstacle that I will overcome, but I am tired. I am worn down. I have so far to go. Life sucks right now!!

I need sleep, I need a nerve pill, I need my son to want to know me.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers. I am here if you need me. I imagine it's like placing him all over again, and then losing connection once the adoption was closed.

I am so so sorry you are going through this. No, I am not pitying you, I am just saying how sorry I am you're going through this.

Lean on those who love you and you have people praying for you.

Ani

Brown =) said...

You KNOW you will get through this.
If I can, you can too. I am here =)

Bear's Mommy said...

Oh no . . . I just read the part about the myspace page. I'll pray for you. I'm crying for you. Really I am, because in 5 years this could be me. And I know how much i am hoping . . .

lhjh4 said...

I feel much the same way. I hope it will change and I can only continue to hope that something happens.
I am with you.
(((HUGS)))

erased said...

Our son(adopted) avoids conflict at all costs. Right now he is avoiding a major conflict between his parents. He is 21. This is how he deals and always has. The only difference is that he fields all phone calls through me and has me keep in touch until it gets less complicated. Otherwise he talks to them himself. This may just be your son shutting down to avoid conflict. Especially at 17. Even as a female adoptee myself, I RUN during these times. Please don't give up.(((((hugs)))))))

erased said...

Insert foot in mouth. Sorry, I only read this one post until today. I see your son said that when his sister searched and it has nothing to do with a conflict. In that case, I have much more hope that he said that out of reaction to her reunion and all the emotion he was observing.That is exactly what my brother said after my reunion.