Monday, October 22, 2007

The World Feels Different Today

I remember this feeling, it was 17 years ago this month that I felt exactly what I feel right now. I am having a hard time breathing, I can't seem to get anything into perspective and I feel like I will never be the same again. My world will never be the same again. At midnight last night I lost all the hope I had that I would reunite with my bson. My fantasy of him sitting around daydreaming of me was taken away from me by a very selfish man, my ex. I know this probably wasn't healthy but it has gotten me through the last 10 years and I am so mad that I have to face my reality before I am ready. But alas, I do and I will but it is killing me. He isn't sitting around fantasizing about me and my kids, he has the life that I wanted for him but I think someone forgot to tell him that I wanted to be included in that life. I didn't place him so that someone could raise him and then I could waltz in and reclaim him (someone said this to me today) but when I placed him I was promised that I would always be included, I didn't sign up for this. Initially I didn't think I could handle knowing how he was but anyone who "knows" me knows that didn't last long. I wanted to be there for him, and they took that away from me, after they closed the adoption completely I wanted to wait here for him, my ex took that away from me. I will still be here waiting, not sure if it will do me any good but I will be here, always. In the meantime, I have a family that needs a healthy wife and mom and I have to get myself together, how do I do that? How?

4 comments:

lhjh4 said...

I have no words but am here if you need to vent (((HUGS)))

Thankgsivingmom said...

I don't even know what to say, except that I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. More than that I'm so angry that you're hurting right now.

((((hugs))))

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry hon. I have been told on more than one occassion that sometimes, it takes guys a bit longer to reunite. Hopefully that is the case.

I love ya!

Ani

Bear's Mommy said...

I am so so sorry. I feel heartsick for you.